I don’t understand how you can take a piece on how to increase your kill count (aka bang more chicks) seriously when the steps are as follows:
1. Lower your standards
2. Improve personal hygiene
3. Using a P90 (submachine gun)
4. Become gay
5. Lie
The piece literally advised using a submachine gun, in what is clearly a COD or any given first person shooter video game reference. How you take that seriously is beyond me.
As for the text in full…
Lower your standards
Every slut-shamer knows that standards and kill count are inversely proportional. The simplest and easiest way to increase one’s kill count is to abandon all standards. It’s easy! Whenever someone hits on you — be it varsity athlete, 35-year-old townie, horse or zuchini — simply say yes.
Abandon any idea of what you want in a mate. Your only goal now is to increase your kill count. Whenever anyone or anything indicates they want you in a sexual manner, dive right in. Don’t wait for them to make the first move either. Indiscriminately launch your smooth moves on passersby. Learn the art of starting up a conversation whose second sentence is “let’s grab a drink.”
Open up your Tinder app. Turn on both genders. Swipe right on every person and send each match a friendly message. A wider net catches more fish or sometimes dogs. It’s just logic.
Enjoy the skyrocketing quantity of you sexual encounters but beware of bemoaning their quality.
— Megan Devlin
Improve Personal Hygiene
If there’s anything sexier than deodorant, it’s toothpaste. The dating world these days is cutthroat and frisky folks chasing ass could use any edge to gain an inch on the competition. Canadians are a clean people so to stand out to the opposite sex you have to be as spotless as Mother Theresa’s criminal record.
There are easy tips for getting antiseptic. Adding a tasty spritz of Mr. Clean to any beverage will purify the old esophagus. Investing in a waterproof laptop will let you finish that essay under the shower and allow you extra time to soak in the suds.
Worst case, if all that bathing doesn’t get you laid, you’ll have more opportunities to jerk off in the washroom.
— Conrad Floryan
Editor’s note: Drinking Mr. Clean is probably not a good idea.
The P90
Maintaining your kill/death ratio is hard. Whether you’re doing a simple capture the flag round or going into domination mode, you need to have the best gear in order to win. Combining a P90, or an equivalent submachine gun with the agility perk and whatever perk allows you to knife faster means that you can run around the map as an unkillable machine. This is ideal for small maps where you can just run and gun without worrying about being pegged off by a pesky sniper. Shoot at your enemies head until they are either dead or you are close enough to knife. If you have something like a helicopter as a kill streak, you can then take advantage of forcing everyone inside, making for an easy close-quarters combat.
If you stick to these simple tricks, you’ll easily win every round on Call of Duty — wait, this was about sex? Maybe get out of your parent’s basement? I know nothing about that.
— Brent Holmes
Become Gay
Tired of sitting home alone on Saturday nights watching reruns ofEverybody Loves Raymond? Want a fun, colourful and sexy adventure? Do what I did and become a gay man!
The process is simple. Step one – grow a penis. About half of you have already accomplished this task. Step two – seek out other penises.
You might wonder if the stereotypes are true about gay men, if life really is one bigSex and the City episode. The answer is absolutely. Picture protein-pumped, sweaty men grinding the glitter off their ass onto your lap – all to steady beats of the latest Gloria Gaynor remix.
Speaking of glory, you don’t even have to leave the club to increase your kill count. The right stance, glance and subtle head tilt can lead to a shadowy ally or unoccupied bathroom stall. If all else fails, there’s Grindr.
— Kevin Hurren
Lie
It is very clear that the only way that you will be able to increase your kill count is by constructing the most elaborate scheme that you possibly can. In fact, the more lies, the better.
It works for the weather person and politicians, and can work for you too!
Nothing quite gets those boxers or panties in a bunch quite like dishonesty. As all great liars know, the more elaborate the story, the more they can’t help but believe that it’s true that you really do only have a month left to live and you just want to be able to cross off losing your virginity from your bucket list, meaning it is that cute boy’s duty to the foundations of morality to fulfill your last wish.
If that doesn’t work? You can always lie about your kill count too.
— Jenny Jay
But how did people react? Did they say “Oh har har what an amusing piece of satire!” Did they utter a light chuckle and then continue about their day?
No, they promptly lost their shit and went looking for it in the comments section, only to lose more of their shit there.
Calm the fuck down much? If your virgin eyes can’t handle the occasional masturbation joke then maybe it’s high time you move out into the wilderness away from the Internet and any human interaction whatsoever. Have fun living off the “fatta the lan” and playing with rabbits for the rest of your life.
[H/T Barstool, header image via Shutterstock]