One Guy’s Rules for Sleeping With Chicks and a Bro Asks If We Respect Justin Bieber

by 6 years ago

Q. I have three rules that I live by when it comes to dealing with girls. 1.) Don't ever deal with girls who are cheaters (It'll always cause some drama). 2.) Don't ever hook-up with a buddies ex-girlfriend (Bros before hoes) 3.) Don't ever have sex within 24 hours of knowing the person (STD's). Are these good rules? And do you have any others that you personally live by?

A. Your rules are spot on! Provided you omit #1 and #3 entirely because THEY ARE UNRELENTINGLY STUPID. And if we’re just talking about hooking up and not dating, forget rule one altogether. Who cares if she cheated on people? Dead giveaway that she likes to f*ck if you ask me. Plus that happens all the time and it’s not really a concern if unless you’re trying to marry her.

So let's start with your third rule because it's so f*cked that I don’t even know how to unf*ck it. My question is: why wait 24 hours? Is the 25th hour suddenly going to unearth all the truths about the state of her snatch and the STDs that live within? Or do you have this notion that she’ll be more forthcoming about a disease after knowing you for a week or even a month? 

You’re delusional if you think the answer is yes to either of those. If a girl has something she’s either going to tell you, not tell you, or she may not even know about it herself. Waiting a few days isn’t going to make a difference in her decision to disclose or not. So if you want to be safe, wear a condom, don’t eat her out, and save yourself weeks of getting to know her just to find out whether or not she’s clean.

As for the last part of your question, well, I've got nothing for you. I’d love to sit here and tell you that I have a list of bulletproof rules that I’ve lived by when it comes to railing chicks and not getting STDs but I don't because based how I’ve personaly approached things (with the grossest of negligence) I’m just happy to be alive and somehow clean. Really not much of a role model for sexual prudence.

Q. Should Bros before hoes ever be broken when the hoe is a sub 5?

A. So either your buddy ditched you to carve a sub-5s box and you want me to take your side saying it was wrong of him OR you're sick of your friends giving you sh*t because you're a take-what-you-can-get kind of guy who knows they all look like 10s when your eyes are closed and need some kind of validation for your actions.

Well, I'm siding one hundred percent with the latter because Bros before hoes should only apply to dire situations in life, dealing with Bros ex-girlfriends, or noteworthy events (e.g. birthdays, bachelor parties, etc.). If none of those are in play then only an idiot would stay with his buddies drinking in the corner of the bar (or doing anything else unimportant for that matter) if a chick he deems f*ckable comes calling. I don't think there's a differenece if she’s an 8 or a goddamn 2 other than you giving him your blessing, which he shouldn't need in the first place.

Point is: no matter how repellent you may find the girl, if your buddy wants to leave to go blow a few happy-go-lucky loads onto her ugly face you should be thrilled for him. Because 1) it’s not your dick 2) you certainly won’t be feeling any of his regret the next day and 3) next time you need to ditch him to get some ass (and believe me, that time will come) he won’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to complaining.

Q. Is there a polite way to leave a girls house after hooking up? For some reason I always end up back at their place, instead of mine, on some crappy undersized mattress. I would much rather go home, sleep on my own mattress and wake up at noon, instead of having to wake up at 7am and slip out to avoid the roommates in the morning.

A. No classier way than saying “Hey Dollface, this has been aces” as you peel off a five-spot and leave it on her nightstand.

But seriously…

When I tell you that any excuse will do, I mean that literally ANY EXCUSE WILL DO. If you’re in college, you have a test in the morning. If you’re out of college, you have a big presentation in the morning. If it’s a weekend, you have an early tee-time or your parents are in town. And if she absolutely sucked in bed tell her you need to get home because you don’t want to catch any grief from your girlfriend or wife. That’ll give you a nice laugh tomorrow and leave her feeling like a real piece of sh*t for days to come.

Q. We are having a debate between two friends about Justin Bieber. The question is, is it bro to respect Bieber?

Position #1: Said that he is respectable. He further noted that his respect does not mean that he likes him. He simply respects the fact that he is worth millions, everything he touches turns to gold, and millions of girls want to bang him. Who cares how he gained his fame? Since when is being super rich and having millions of girls want to slurp your D not Bro?

Position #2: The other person claims he should NOT because even if he is rich, the way he got his fame was not Bro. A man who comes out with perfume before cologne-not Bro. Saying you respect Bieber is like saying you respect Clay Aiken. Before we commit to our respect, remember what happened to Aaron carter. Enough said… He doesn’t get with girls because he made millions with Disney-not Bro. Can we still say he is Bro even if his millions were made by un-Bro things?

Is it bro to respect Bieber?

Also shout out to James Passion just absolutely crushing it on his birthday. This one is for you, Jimmy.

A. With the logic used in position #1, I could easily make a case for respecting Bin Laden, Hitler, and even Pete Wentz. Will I? No, because it’s a preposterous to form an opinion based on solely on a person being rich and his ability to get laid.

Fact of the matter is if you have millions of dollars and you can’t get laid you must be a leper because there should always be money-grubbing sluts lined up to f*ck you, even if they have to fight back vomit to do so. I mean, have you seen the amount of hot chicks that rich douchebags seem to pull in our society?

I don’t care about Bieber’s music (which universally sucks), or his money (which I, of course, envy), or how he rose to fame (which I’m not terribly familiar with, but I know it involved gargling Usher’s scrotum). What I do care about is the fact that despite all that fame and fortune he still manages to walk out into public, most days, looking like a lesbian. There’s no possible way that I can respect that, seeing as how it’s completely unavoidable.


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TAGScollege lifehooking upJustin Biebersex advice

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