Yeah yeah yeah, everyone is “tired” of social media (or at least that’s the cool thing to say so you don’t look like a slave to it, which you are). Fact of the matter is, Instagram be poppin’ off and you LOVE it. You either crave the likes, like stalking babes in bikinis, or enjoy the lack of ads/surplus of posts. We all fall somewhere in there.
But, like everything else in our gluttonous society, we’ll probably abuse the hell out of it and become disgusted with it within the next calendar year when it will be replaced with something that’s more addicting than Snapchat. To help delay the inevitable and keep Instagram in our good graces, there are some guidelines we need to obey.
Easy on the selfies: We’re in the Age Of The Selfie. They’re polarizing things. Me? I think they’re hilarious. The rest of the world above the age of 18? They mostly fuckin’ hate ’em. That being said, sometimes, selfie is appropriate. Those times do not include mirrors and/or times where your shirt is off.
Time when a selfie is appropriate: Last year on 4th of July, I did a selfie with 12 of my friends. The photo is not only awesome, but it helped me remember who I actually partied with that day.
Time when a selfie is inappropriate: When you get a haircut and you want to gauge the reaction. Bruh, this isn’t a public hearing. Don’t litter my feed with this shit.
Hashtag sparingly: No one wants to see #TBT #FitFam #MCM #VSCO #VSCOSELFIE #IGERS #IGERSNYC #LOLOL #MissThis #Standard #LikeForLike #FollowForFollow. Show some fuckin’ personality and just come up with something that shows a little moxy. I may be the minority in this, but I’m in the camp of hating Instagram weekly holidays like Throwback Thursday. They’re too unnecessary and self-indulgent.
Stop using #NoFilter: If the photo is that cool, people will fucking notice without you pointing it out. And half the time people use #NoFilter, the photo either sucks and needs a filter, or the fucking photo clearly has a motherfucking filter on it. Stop bragging about the quality of your photo and just deliver me some quality content.
Variety, Bro: I’ve gotten two criticisms on my Instagram feed: “You really like grass,” and “My sister told me that all your photos look the same.” I acted like I didn’t care, but I did. I did. I mean, yeah. I Instagram a lot from the golf course, but golf courses are my safe haven. Sue me.
If you’re liking other people’s photos in hopes that they’ll like or follow you back, you’re a twat: That’s like waving at someone and expecting them to blindly become your best friend. Pretty unrealistic expectation, isn’t it, Kemosabe?
Don’t like your own photo: A buddy of mine thinks I’m crazy for not liking my own photo when I’m on the precipice of 11 likes, which is the universally known amount of likes needed to have a number under your photo rather than a list of names. News for you, Bro: I know I’ll get more than enough likes without my own, and I’m not self-centered enough on Instagram to attempt to elevate my own status by double-tapping my own shit.
Share photos of your dogs: I mean, I just like dogs. And when I’m hungover and scrollin’ my feed, I really want to see as many dogs as humanly possible. So yeah, this may be a personal request but whatever.
Don’t tell me it was a fucking #latergram: I know that photo is from last night. I don’t care. I’d actually prefer that you post photos at a later time so I know that you’re not the asshole who’s sitting at a dinner table trying to find the perfect filter for 10 minutes while there’s a lull in the conversation.
Be vigilant when creeping: It’s notoriously easy to accidentally like someone’s photo in the ‘gram. If you’re 47 weeks back on some hottie’s feed, get the fuck out of there. You’re just begging to make a mistake and accidentally like a photo of her bikini body on spring break ten months back.
Don’t let old people fuck with your feed: If you hand your phone to your mom/aunt/godmother/etc., she will attempt to double-finger zoom in on that shit. It’s science.
Food, man: Be careful. I’m not saying that you should never Instagram food. There’s a time and a place for it just like anything else. I don’t want to see your homemade mac and cheese that you’re only posting because you’re bored as fuck on a Tuesday night with nothing better to do. If you’re going to show me food, show me the person you’re eating with too. Make this a community thing, not an all-you-can-eat buffet.
And most importantly: when you comment on someone’s photo, don’t @-mention them. They get a fucking notification either way. If you do this, it just shows that you don’t “get” it and it’s unbecoming.
If you can’t figure out anything to post on Instagram after following the above, then you probably just shouldn’t be on Instagram in the first place.