Has Banging Cougars Gone Out of Style? Plus Bro Can’t Stop Drunkenly Cheating on His Girlfriend
Q: My friend recently hooked up with this 33-year-old cougar after leaving this bar. Is hooking up with an older woman still cool? Should it be tried if given the right circumstance? Should you wear a condom? Please help.
Also would you rather be dragged to an island and be hung to a wall while guys blow you until you bust, or have sex with a big fat chick with astroturf pubes?(extreme chafing will occur)
A: Yes, yes, and no, unless you’re a god-fearing pussy…O.K. FINE. Yes, you should always wear a condom blah… blah… blah… (Don’t want anyone suing me when they get the super-charged strand of the clap from some old, unloved, run-through townie whose lips haven’t been pink since the Reagan administration…)
Now on to your second question, which, for the record, is amazingly the least stupid of the two. I mean, of course you fuck a hot older chick. If you’re single, you should fuck any hot chick*. Jackass.
I’m obviously taking the fat chick with astroturf pubes. I can think of few worse plights for a dick than getting turf burn (potato peeler, anyone?) but you’re dick is kind of safe here. If she had a turf-lined pussy your cock would be toast, but that's not the situation you drew up. So really, all you’re leaving this with is a roughed up pelvis, which will make you only suicidal when water hits it in the shower AND the knowledge that you’ve fucked a fat chick, which will make you suicidal whenever you're not in the shower.
*Provided she was born a chick and is still alive. Sorry, corpse fuckers.
Q: So I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 years now. Love her to death, but there's one problem…when I'm out with the bros and she's not around I often find myself making out with other chicks (never further than making out, and maybe one chick in every couple times out partying). I don't care about these side girls and usually don't even know who they are, but once in a while I'll feel a bit bad. Is this normal? Do I have a problem? Am I a huge douchebag?
A: Wild fuckin' guess here, but you're still in college or you just recently graduated, right? If not, then forgive me for taking the liberties I'm about to take.
My confusion with this entire situation is what the fuck are you getting out of it? You’re potentially jeopardizing your entire relationship by making out with other girls? WHAT IN ALL NONSENSICAL SHIT IS THAT?!?
Come on, brotha. I’m not a champion of dudes cheating on their girlfriends but if you’re going to do it, at least stick your dick in something, even if it’s her un-lubed fist working your shaft at break-neck speeds. If you’re going to risk being caught and become renowned as a scumbag/cheater for the rest of college blow some fuckin’ custard for Christ’s sake.
And if not for Christ, then do it for yourself.
It’s normal to feel bad. It’s normal think you’re a huge douchebag for doing it. But it's also possible to love her, while feeling like you've got unfinished business. Problem is, you're acting on it. I acted on it, too, when I was in college. Never thought about her feelings until I got caught and subsequently dumped. And let me tell you, when your girlfriend catches you there’s no adequate excuse for what you did to her. Saying, “I love you, I was just drunk” or giving any other excuse as to why you have mischievous dick isn't going to cut it. For whatever reason, most people don’t like being cheated on and girls ABHOR the “I was drunk” excuse. It’s as if that is no excuse at all, which it is, but sober people are lame and narrow-minded.
You didn’t really ask for advice on what you should do, so I’m not going to give it. But to summarize the questions you did ask…YES, this is normal. NO, you don't have a problem. YES, you should feel like a douchebag, specifically one that just irrigated Khloe Kardashian.
Q: Titleist 913D2, TaylorMade R1, or Cobra Amp Cell Driver?
A: You ask a question the same way I order a sandwich at Subway, no wasted words: “Footlong, wheat, turkey, no cheese, toasted.” BRAVO for brevity!
Unfortunately, I haven't hit any of the latest models for 2013 yet. I will say, though, that I used to be a devout Titleist user, but after I got my first R9, and then Rocketballz this past year, I think TaylorMade is the way to go. I get both of the models I have to carry further than any Titleist driver I've ever owned. But the head is white, and some people don't care for that. At this point, I'm torn over the aesthetics aspect; I used to really like the white look, right up until I had a violent lapse in judgment and hit the head off a tee-marker. Now, I'm forever reminded that I'm an ornery asshole when I miss-hit a golf ball.
Q: My girlfriend (she's a beaut), said she would dress up in ANYTHING for me. Suddenly, I have frozen up with a lack of imagination (kinda concerning, I'm an English major) (kinda concerning in and of itself). What is your ultimate idea for a girl to dress up as for you?
A: Is “slut” a type of dress? Because that’s what I’d ask for: “Dress like a slut. Do your worst.”
(My luck she’d come waltzing in with track marks on her arms, bruises all over her thighs, and a tampon string hanging out of her underwear. HAWTNESS!)
But seriously, I don’t want to see a budget costume from Party City walk into my room and try to seduce me. Regular old slut garb does it for this guy. Lace, fishnets, a teddy that pushes her tits up to her chin, 47 inch heels, smokey eyes, the works. Yep, give me that over a plastic nurse costume any day.