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Q: One of my girl friends has been going on a ton of Tinder dates recently. I think it’s great she’s getting out and meeting people, but from what I’ve seen she sleeps with these guys on most of their first dates…How do I tell her I think this is weird without sounding like a judgmental friend?
A: There’s nothing wrong with being concerned about the reckless behavior of your closest cohorts from time to time. When you’re doing it in their best interest, really no one can blame you.
As great as getting out and dating is, it should come with some standard precautions. Precautions which, when applied to Tinder, should be magnified tenfold.
You don’t know who the fuck these people are and given how many catfish stories I’ve heard, they could be the opposite of what they want you to think they are. It’s a nightmare waiting to happen.
A friend of mine ended up on a date with a dude who was already so blacked out upon meeting up that he forgot what neighborhood they were in.
He was driving.
I know another girl who met a guy at a bar and when he stood up to go to the bathroom, was a “little person.”
Even if your friend is having success, this shit should scare you. What I can say with pretty grave certainty is that she won’t be into a slew of STD’s or an UFG (unidentifiable fetus growing). Sit her down in a non-judgmental, non-shaming manner. Tell her you care about her and just want to make sure she’s being careful and taking precautions in tandem with having all of this fun. Maybe she already is. Or maybe your conversation is just what she needed to get her back on track.
Either way, ain’t nothin wrong with being a good friend.
Q: My girlfriend and I moved in together about eight months ago. Everything is good except one thing: she keeps getting her period on our sheets, a lot. She gets really embarrassed but what’s the deal here?
A: While I’m not entirely sure what question you’re asking here — Why does my girlfriend get a period? What is a period? How is a baby made? — I feel for the both of you in going through this awkward and unpleasant experience together.
As a girl, ones menstrual cycle is akin to an apocalyptic event that takes place on a monthly basis. As a dude, you truly can never know the suffering that all your female friends endure as a part of regular life.
Now that I’ve fulfilled my martyr quota for the day, I’ll say that it must be pretty daunting from your side of the sheets as well. Frankly, I don’t know why this would suddenly become an issue for your lady. But gross or not, there’s really no room for shaming or guilting here, given the sensitivity of the topic.
My suggestion ? Ask her if everything if okay from more of a concerned perspective. It might open her up to discussing a topic she was previously too embarrassed to broach.
If she’s got no qualms to speak of, I suggest investing in darker sheets.
Q: What is the story with those fleshy stick-on bras girls wear? I’ve hooked up with a few girls recently who had them on and they creep me out.
A: Couldn’t agree more with you on the creepy fleshy part, though they’re really meant for practicality rather than aesthetic purposes. Girls with big/small/weird boobs wear them as support and coverage for outfits that would otherwise show bra straps. As my friends/family/neighbors/bartenders know, I am much more inclined to leave the boob harnesses at home entirely and let nature do its thing. I mean, who doesn’t love good boobs and hard nips? I can’t think of a single person.
That said, a lot of chicks aren’t comfortable letting their freak flags (or nips) fly, which prompts the purchase of these adhesive faux bras — or as they’re often called, chicken cutlets. Gross, I know. All you can do is rip the thing off and get to work. Ignore the distraction. Embrace the boobs and move on, man. And whatever you do, don’t comment on how unsexy they are.
Q: It seems like you get a lot of questions about going on dates with readers but have you gone on any? Were there any pickup lines that stood out?
A: As it turns out I have not. Committing to an anonymous date with a dude who knows nothing about me beyond my ability to spell and crack a joke every once in a while stresses me out mostly…it’s a lot to handle. Plus I like to keep my work and personal life separated like church and state. Can’t be mixing that shit up.
I’ve also received a number of disgruntled emails from dudes who I either didn’t respond to, or openly rejected in my weekly column. It’s always weird, and only serves to further support why I should avoid face-to-face interaction with anyone who reads my stream-of-conscious trash. If I ran into a big fan by chance, sure; I’d give it a thought. Meeting dudes who love your writing before knowing who you are is a great ego stroke and satisfying for at least one night.
But for now, I’m playing it safe. Mostly. Pickup lines rarely stand out as exceptional, though I did have a guy tell me he’d stand in line for a slice of pizza completely naked if I’d have one with him.
As it was 2 am, I had to decline respectfully.
Some days I regret that.
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