“I was holding my snake” is a very ominous way to begin a Facebook post. There are very few sentences that can reasonably begin with ‘I was holding my snake…’ and go on to say something that isn’t mortifying or embarrassing. ‘I was holding my snake and my mom walked in’ would be a good example of this. Another example of this would be ‘I was holding my snake when the FBI broke down my door and arrested me for selling organs on the black market’.
This woman from Portland, Oregon, Ashley Glawe, was holding her snake when things went sideways in a hurry and ended with her in the emergency room needing to get her pet snake surgically removed from her earlobe:
CURRENT SITUATION… I was holding my #SNAKE and his #DUMB ASS saw a hole, which just so happened to be my fuckin #EARLOBE, and thought that it would be a bright idea to #ATTEMPT to make it through… It all happened SO fast that before I even knew what was going on it was already too late… Now, #BelieveItOrNot I’m sitting here in the #EmergencyRoom with #BART #STUCK in my fucking #EAR #JustMyFuckinLuck #OhShit #SnakeStuckInEar #SnakeStuckInEarlobe #GaugedEars #SnakesLikeGaugedEars
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I’ll tell you what, as far as pet snake names go ‘Bart’ is actually pretty solid. I’m a huge proponent of giving snakes overly-human names, so if this was me I would’ve gone with Bartholomew instead of Bart, but then again I wouldn’t have ever gotten a fucking snake stuck in my ear in the first place.
I’m part of that 00.000001% of the population who has owned a pet snake at some point. Back in elementary school I actually had 3 pet snakes (1 red rat snake and 2 Colombian red tail boa constrictors). I was young and had a shit ton of other pets: like 3 fish tanks, a terrarium with 1-pound albino Pacman frog that ate mice, a bird, and I’m sure I’m forgetting some others. I don’t ever recall taking the snakes out of the cage to let them slither around my head, and certainly not ever letting them get close enough to come in contact with my fucking ears.
This doesn’t seem like normal behavior on the part of this woman, but I’m not here to judge. If she wants to let snakes crawl around her head and wind up stuck inside of her earlobe then that’s her prerogative, and she’s a free American.