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Tonight is Barack Obama’s (seventh? ninth?) State of the Union address, a speech wherein he will delineate for our nation a grandiose plan that refuses to take into account the piddly notions of practicality. But that’s okay. He’s president. He can be as delusional as he wants.
I lived a good deal of my life in D.C., and in that town the State of the Union is a big deal. OMG a decree from on high, fawn the town’s denizens. Also, big in Washington is drinking during the State of the Union. I’m sure you saw a number of State of the Union drinking games online today. But here’s the problem with them. They all fucking suck. Here are actual suggestions from blogs about how to drink during the State of the Union.
Drink once every time Barack Obama says he will work with Congress (Cloture Club)
Drink once every time the President uses the word “Middle Class” (In The Capital)
Take a shot if Obama says “The state of the union is strong.” (Mediaite)
Fuck that. Shit like that requires listening and comprehension. Why the hell would you pay slavish attention to a speech with zero grounding in reality? One that’s interminable and boring. There’s no reason. But it will be on every channel tonight. So, for all you non-poliwonks, here’s a State of the Union drinking game that doesn’t suck.
Prep
You are going to need an eighth of weed, a bong and an HBOGO Account (wait, that’s me. I want to watch Game of Thrones). You, you will need 16 beers a person, a bottle of cheap whiskey, a power hour mix CD and, fuck it, an eighth of weed and a bong, as well. Have a bunch of people over to your house. Maybe get some dip.
How to Play
Tune your T.V. to the State of the Union. It starts at 9 or 8. I don’t know. Consult your local Google. This isn’t my job.
Step One:
The speech starts with the Senate Sergeant of Arms announcing the President and his ceremonial walk down the aisle. Chug until this walk is done. This should take about two beers. If someone can not chug for the duration of this walk, they must leave the premises. Pussies.
Step Two:
Shotgun one (1) beer for every female Supreme Court Justice present. You should be 3-5 beer deep now and the speech has yet to start. Good.
Step Three:
The first twenty (20) minutes of this speech are always interrupted by applause. Someone must always be holding the bong during the first 20 minutes. When applause starts, pull the bong. Do not stop pulling until the clapping stops. Inhale. Pass the bong.
Step Four:
After 20 minutes, place power hour mix CD in CD player. Play power hour. You can have the speech on in the background. Nothing after the first part is important, anyway.
Step Five:
Power hour ends. The speech should almost be over by now. Take shots of whiskey at your leisure until it’s over.
Step Six:
Pass out on couch.