How Can I Steal a Girl Away From Her Long Distance Boyfriend in College? Plus Other Unsavory Advice

by 5 years ago

Q: Ok so I'm still in my first month or so of freshman year at college. I met this girl on my floor who's a complete dime. I've hooked up with her a few times but nothing too special. I wanted to take it further, but it turns out she’s not totally “over her high school relationship yet” which is with a junior in high school from a state more then 8 hours away. I really want to make things work and get this girl! All about the hit and quit, but not this time! How can I get this girl??

A: Soon enough she'll realize that there’s absolutely nothing cool about liking a high school boy as a college girl– and that it's especially uncool to hang onto that crush instead of hooking up with new people at her new school. She's already started hooking up with you, so the seed is planted that her little relationship will never last.

She'll come around soon enough, just stand your ground and show your interest until she gets tired of talking to him on the phone while other people are having the time of their lives. And if waiting doesn't work start showing your face on her Facebook wall, it'll make her high school boyfriend go nuts.

Keep in mind however, that if she hooks up with other dudes aside from you…the ex was only a front, and she's just not that into you.

Q: Story: I fucked my roommate tonight (it's a girl). Needless to say when I moved in with her and my best friend I was stoked and wanted to bang her. But now I banged her a couple times and as my brother properly put it, I 'shit where I sleep' literally and figuratively. But now I can tell she’s falling in love with me.

Residential babe what do I do? Because this could become a huge shit show, pun intended.

A: I will agree that you have indeed put yourself in a tough spot. Also, you just sounded like a douchebag.

Anyways, I've heard of situations where this works out, but have also heard horror stories of the opposite. Just imagine the next time one of you brings someone home. Who's gonna do it first? How will the other react? How awkward will it be to hear them fucking through your wall while you're trying to sleep? Will it turn into a disturbing threesome?

Yeah. Bet you didn’t think of all those things. End this now–write it off as a drunk mistake. Save the friendship before your cozy apartment becomes a broken home.

Q: I'm a freshman in college and I just broke up with my girlfriend of a year due to distance, and before then I was in two relationships with two other girls so I've been out of the hooking up game for a long time. Any tips for a bro on how to go about hooking up in college?

A: First things first: lose the tone of desperation. if you're even the slightest bit cool, you're fresh meat. You're the goddamn iPhone 5, and biches are gonna be shivving the next just to get their hands your equipment. Play your cards right and you'll become the latest fuck.

From this point forward, don't speak of your girlfriend unless specifically asked about her. And if asked, spare the new babes any and all heartbroken whining bullshit. Keep your answers short and unemotional, because the last thing we want is to realize you're closing your eyes thinking about said ex when you're fucking us.

Welcome back to the playing field, breau.

Q: So I am a first year grad student and I have started school in a new town. Needless to say I don't have access to the social scene like my undergrad days and well, I'm still 23 so I don't want a relationship and I am just not energetic enough to get drunk and do the bar hopping. I just want good old easy lays, which is proving to be a challenge, so how do I address this issue?

A: Funny how the second you graduate you go from being “that hot senior” to, “that creepy townie”. Tough break. Self-pitying aside, it doesn't help that you're a lazy townie on top of already being dogged a creepy one. Where's the fun in an “easy” lay anyways? The chase is the best part.

It's not like you're 45 and balding–we'll, I don't actually know if you're balding, but regardless you're only 23 years old, so keep the momentum going a little longer. Make friends with some grad school classmates. Join a local gym. Harness that college energy, Then suck it up and hit the bars– yes, even if you do have a midterm in three weeks. Chances are, you'll meet some babe-alicious grad students in the same socially awkward boat. Or maybe if you're really lucky, a really bored college girl.

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