When to Finally Steal a Girl Your Friend Can’t Close, Plus A Bro Answers Texts While He Whacks Off
Q: What are the rules on pursuing a girl that your boy likes, but she has rejected all his advances?
Would you go to jail for 5 years, from age 25 to 30, if you got ten million dollars the day you got out?
A: I think you owe it to him, as a friend and a Bro, to show him how the fuck it's done. Well, maybe not, but since he can't seem to get close enough to even catch a whiff, you damn sure owe it to yourself and that riot baton in your pants. Put it this way: if there was a gallon of milk in the fridge and your buddy was lactose intolerant, would you let it sit there and spoil just because the boy with the pussy stomach is incapable of drinking it? I think not. That’s wasteful.
I've been in this exact bind. My friend told everyone we knew that he wanted to date this one chick, but I liked her, too. Being a total prince, I let him have first cracks and like a good friend, you did the same. However, just because he called “dibs” doesn't mean he gets to keep trying and failing till the goddamn rapture while you sit idly by. I gave my buddy about six months to lock it down, and once I realized it was never going to happen for him I swooped in and scooped that broad up like my dog's shit on the sidewalk — curb your pets, people.
Now, that doesn't mean your pal is going to give you his blessing or not be steaming from the ears when he finds out what you've done to him, but it's just something you have to accept — people hating you for getting the girl they want comes with the territory of being hot hot heat in the looks department.
Go through with it. But don't rub it in his face and at the very least try to allow his blood stop boiling before you and her start skipping around the quad thumbing each other's asshole.
Second question (you dudes are loving the two-parter these days):
For 99.999% of people, amassing a personal net worth of $10 million dollars by the time you're 30-years-old AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. Should you achieve even one tenth of that coinage — meaning you have $1 million worth of assets; not that you earned it in 8 years since college — consider yourself a lucky fuck, because by the time most people are 30, they have less than $100k in savings/investments.
So yes, I'd go right the fuck to jail (cuff me in the front, officer bitchtits), and come out at 30-years-old with a prison-yard physique and liquid as shit.
Q: Have you ever been beating off — or about to beat off– and received a text from an overwhelmingly platonic friend? For example, the other day, I was literally holding my dick in my hand when I got a text from grandma: “miss you Daniel, thinking about you.” Meanwhile, my dick is in my hand and my favorite pornstar’s ass is bouncing around the computer screen. What am I to do? Of course, conventional wisdom says put the dick away and not touch it for the next 365 days. But as Rachel was clapping her as cheeks together like a playful whale claps his tail against the ocean’s surface, my boner was simply unwilling to subside. Still, I couldn’t leave grandma hangin– she texted me a nice message, she deserves a nice message back. On that account, I texted back, “thinking about you too grandma,” then proceeded with my beat-off session.
Have you ever been in such a situation? What would you do?
A: You actually picked up the phone, while jerking off, to text with your grandmother? I don't believe it. But if it's true, it sounds to me like someone needs to chugg the maximum dosage of Focus Factor.
When I'm wringing out my dick, nothing is more important. If my phone rings or a text comes in my head doesn't even shift, I've got the mindset of an absentee father who never sees his kids: it can fuckin' wait.
What I'm saying is: I've got my mind on my boner and my boner on my mind. Singularly focused. Clear eyes, full hearts, 8-ropes, can't lose.
Q: Would you rather bang Mila Kunis or Jennifer Lawrence?
I would take JLawr, although if my boner was within 100 yards of either it would likely erupt with more vigor than Mt. Vesuvius.
A: Vivid mental picture of a cum eruption you just painted there. On behalf of everyone, thanks for that.
Mila is hot, but I prefer Jennifer Lawrence. I know people will either agree or disagree, so I won't bother wasting my time trying to explain myself.
Let's take a brief intermission to stare at this fantastic photo.
Ahhh yes, that recharged the batteries. Onward.
Q: This summer I have to get surgery done on my ankle. The summer of my Almighty 21st birthday. The last time I had a cast on, I was in a relationship and could get some whenever I wanted but now I'm single, wild, and free. Which brings me to the question, How can I hook up with all you sexy dudes if I'm rocking a plaster cast? My charming charisma won't get me anywhere in a loud club and I won't be able to twerk it like I usually do.
Help a chica out!
Soon to be crippled chick
A: Open every conversation with a lighthearted joke about your situation: “My leg may be useless, but my mouth sure ain't” or “Hi, I'm Jenn. I have a pussy.”
O.K., maybe option two wasn't a joke, but my point is: unless you're ugly or a circus freak who's ankle is attached to her vagina, I think you'll be completely fine getting a guy to have sex with you. In case you have forgotten, we are the standard-less gender. Most of us would probably still fuck you even if your lady parts smelled worse than that cast of yours undoubtedly will.
Q: I'm looking for a new gym, and having a hard time choosing.
Gym 1: Has got good equipment, hot girls, but is as populated as the Tokyo subway. Two hours training will mean at least 30mins just waiting…
Gym 2: Has got hot girls and is only moderately full most of the time, but the equipment ain't great.
Gym 3: Has got good equipment and isn't too full either, but there are really few hot chicks…
Do I choose Gym 3 and get my fill of hot chicks somewhere else? Or Gym 1-2 and just don't care about training efficiently?
A: I'm a staunch believer in working out as quickly and efficiently as possible, so Gym 3 is my choice. Love me some hot chicks — HUGE FAN of their work — but standing around waiting for equipment kills me. I like working out for 45-minutes MAX and relying nutrition to do the rest. Also, I've never been that guy who hits on girls at the gym. Longingly stare as they use the fly machine, for sure. Actually hit on them, no. Plenty of other time and places to do that. I think my current twitter avatar perfectly summarizes my attitude towards spending hours on end in a gym.
Q: I'm incredibly interested in hooking up with the girl next door before we're both out of school. I have been in a committed relationship for a while, and the girlfriend is in it for the long haul. So I ask, is it worth taking a dip in an infinity pool a handful of times in May when you're giving up an above-ground all summer?
A: I'M LATE… FOR INFIDELITY!
I can't see through the computer screen but if you want to go through with this and if no one is currently holding a gun to your head, DUMP YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND.
Seems to me that your system is brimming with shit, and until you get all that shit out of your system, you won't want to commit to this girlfriend of yours. Today it’s neighbor-face with the NatGeo tits and dimply ass (I'm blindly guessing) and tomorrow it’s going to be some other slob who is probably not as hot as your girlfriend but you will want to be brain stem deep inside her because SHE IS NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND and you will take what you can get because you and your dick are bored.
I will never castigate someone who puts getting random ass high on his priority list, but just don’t do it when you’ve got a girlfriend. Cheating, like a bevy of other destructively dope ideas, is awesome in theory…until you do it. I’ve done it, I’ve seen the worst-case scenario come to fruition, and it is awful. TRUST ME.
[Image via ShutterStock]