5 Ways To Stop Drinking Like A Freshman And Get Your Shit Together

by 3 years ago
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Everyone will, at some point in their boozing career, drink like a college freshman. There are just some things that are universal facts: the sun is the center of our solar system, Duke sucks, having sex in a dorm shower will get you herpaghonnasyphilAIDS and you will, at some point, drink like a goddamn rookie.

If you’re asking yourself what that looks like, it’s because you still drink vodka and cheap ice tea mix out of a water bottle while listening to the playlist from your high school prom. I’m not here to pass judgement though, just render aid. You, my horribly misguided friend, suck at drinking. I’m going to give you some pointers on how to do it without looking like a goober that can’t hang. Maybe you’ll even manage to find that inner zen state between blacked out force of destruction and teatotalling asshole that needs to get that pole vaulter’s stick surgically removed from their asshole.

 

1. Veterans Know The Value Of Pacing
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The people who tell you that drinking as much as you can as fast as you can until you no longer function is sound strategy are the kind of people that ate more than their fair share of glue as a kid. That’s a good way to end up in the hospital or with your friends caring for your incredibly amateur ass for the entire night. Benders are a marathon, not an olympic sprint. You want to be the messenger that saved the Greeks from an invading army of angry Persians, not Usain Bolt. Now, this isn’t some tortoise v. hare scenario. Slow and steady doesn’t win the race, because slow and steady usually just makes you tired. Much like dancing, you have to find a groove, settle in, and avoid ending up on a really embarrassing Youtube or Vine video.

 

2. Put Down The Lighter Fluid
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I don’t mean actual lighter fluid — that stuff is awesome. I mean that “vodka” you’ve been drinking since the first weekend of school that hibachi restaurants use to clean their grills because it’s cheaper than isopropyl alcohol. You’ll be doing yourself and your insides a favor by spending the extra three or four bucks and buying something that wasn’t manufactured in the heartlands of Satan’s anus by triple distilling the tears of the damned. As someone who took this advice far too late, my insides are not fond of cheap shots anymore as a result. Only you can prevent your stomach lining from looking like a Maryland highway after a shitty winter.

 

3. Beer For Games, Liquor For The Game
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I could never get drunk on beer. It always got me buzzed and made me tired. Anything that makes me want to take a nap in the middle of a party is not my friend, and it isn’t your friend either. Liquor, on the other hand, is a 40-90% shock to the system that kicks your liver in the ass and tells it to get moving on that metabolite processing. If you want a quiet night in with friends or a good drink that won’t kill you over ten games of pong, drink beer. If you want to get “I don’t know who I am anymore” plastered, drink liquor. Just, you know, follow the other advice here.

 

4. Keep Your Shit Together
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A good night out should be a slow-motion trainwreck with all the planning and careful execution of a Russian ballet troupe. It should be orchestrated chaos. Even on the shittiest of occasions, you don’t want to end up in a bad situation, and no one else wants you there because the media jumps on it and suddenly America’s schools all have a “drinking problem.” The last thing we need is America’s politicians jumping on that bandwagon. I do not want to have to contend with Michelle Obama tackling drinking like she tackled delicious snack foods. No one wins. If I can manage to wake up naked and coated in paint in a campus laboratory, but otherwise safe and sound, you can manage to end up someplace where death and/or pending criminal charges are not on your agenda for the foreseeable future. How do I know this? You make better decisions than me. Trust me on this one.

 

5. Become Friends With Whiskey
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No, I’m not telling you all to go hit me up on Facebook. I mean the nectar of the gods that originates anywhere from Bourbon county, Kentucky to the green glens and dales of the Scottish highlands. Whiskey is what you drink when you’ve made it. You know how they say dress for the job you want, not the one you have? Well, drink for the life you want, not the one you have. If you want to be a universally respected power broker one day, no one is going to take you seriously with those skinny girl martinis you’re drinking because they “taste good.” Grab a glass of whiskey and learn to enjoy the burn- it’s weakness leaving the body and whiskey kicking the blackout rodeo into high gear.

 

Now, don’t drink like a freshman again. You’re better than that. Build epic stories, epic friendships and unbelievable adventures in college, but do it by reaching that perfect level of veteran drunk. Sure, it’ll take practice and hard work, but it’s a maturing process that sets you up for even better memories through and beyond college.

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