A Strongly Worded Letter to America’s Songbird, Taylor Swift
I have been accidentally hearing your music for the past, however long you’ve been famous, and I’ve noticed that during this time, you’ve had some severe relationship problems and it seems to always be the other party’s fault. Maybe you should look at you? What has Taylor Swift done to make these “Relationshits” turn out the way they always seem to turn out?
Maybe you’re a narcissist? Perhaps your attitude in the relationship is all about you and you’re not willing to give your man the attention he needs, thus driving him away and making you, ‘sad’ or ‘angry’ and forcing you to write those subpar lyrics. Don’t forget, the world doesn’t revolve around you Tay Tay; other people live here too.
Maybe you’re moody? Monday you may be happy as a clam, but then on Tuesday you become bitchy and snappy for no apparent reason. This is a very undesirable trait in a relationship and might even lead a man to being a little snappy right back atcha. I know it’s hard for you to believe that you being bitchy might be reciprocated, but Tay Tay, this is a reality of human nature. Stop singing about it.
Maybe you’re a bad lay? This one is pretty self-explanatory, but just a quick brush up; it’s all in the hips girl; you got ‘em, why not use ‘em? Don't lie there and expect him to do ALL the work ALL the time. No one likes a dead fish, go back to your ‘Authentic country roots’ and ride him like the cowgirl that you claim to be. Also; blowjobs. An undersexed/underblown man might be cranky and this behavior might inspire you to write a song. So keep him sexed up and you won’t have to write that song!
Maybe you’re a liar? This isn’t an accusation, it’s merely a theory but maybe you’ve been cheating on all your men, they’ve been finding out and breaking up with you; thus compelling you to badmouth them in your songs to appear as the victim. If this is your tactic, please stop cheating on your men. It’s not very nice and then it forces you to write music to make them look like the bad guy. You have the power to change Tay Tay, use it; but don’t sing to us about it.
I want you to know that all the things stated above are merely suggestions to make your life more enjoyable by being a better girlfriend and as an added bonus, if you apply my suggestions, everyone else’s life will be better because you will no longer have a need to make music. You are a very pretty girl with a nice voice, but the world doesn’t need to hear about your terrible relationship problems as a 22 year old. Give it 7 divorces, 13 children from 8 different baby daddies and then make an album that people over the age of 14 will give a shit about. I want to like you Tay Tay, but I just can’t do it with your overrated, poorly written pop/country music.
P.S. Feel free to call me whenever, I’m usually just hangin’ out with my bros and stuff.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks that Taylor Swift will probably never see this letter. You can follow him on Twitter @sToTle.