I tend to define a party foul as anything that makes you feel like an asshole the moment you wake up from a night of drinking. The party foul in question doesn’t necessarily have to take place at a party, although most often it does. For the purposes of this article it can take place on the way home from the party, or in the wee-hours of the morning when you’re still loaded.
Of course, things like spilling a SOLO cup of beer or puking on your roommate’s pants are universal fouls shared among both sexes. However, I tend to believe that there are certain drunken fuck-ups reserved solely for the fellas, likewise with females, but I really doubt you want to hear about those, right? I mean, I bet it would be pretty alarming to know that if a girl is desperate enough (read: drunk enough) she’ll really use anything available in the bathroom as toilet paper. Don’t deny it Jenny, everyone knows what you did to Derek’s shower curtain.
Moving forward….
The scariest part about what’s listed below is that you may have absolutely no recollection of it, but other people definitely do, and that’s really all that counts in terms of shame and humiliation. I’ve gathered most of these through observation or re-told stories.
“That’s Not Your Girlfriend”
Kevin just finished his 12th shot, the type of shot doesn’t really matter as Kevin has been mixing various forms of alcohol all evening (like the ill-informed asshat that he is). His girlfriend, Sarah is in the bathroom. He’s stupid-drunk at this point when he walks up behind a woman (who he thinks is Sarah) and full-on palms both her ass cheeks. Turns out, it’s actually Sarah’s mom. Did I mention Kevin is at his girlfriend’s family New Year’s Eve party?
“Sink or Swim”
Mike wakes up at 4:30 in the morning still feeling the intense buzz of the keg he nursed for 5-hours the night before. His bladder is full to the point that he can’t really see straight. He haphazardly makes his way to the bathroom, drops-trou and lets loose. Craig, his roommate, wakes up the next morning to find his toothbrush swimming in a sink full of urine that smells like Coors Light.
“Varsity Blues”
Joe tends to blackout when he drinks whiskey. This wouldn’t really be so bad if he just passed out on the couch like a normal person. Instead he gets intensely hyped up and incessantly screams about his former glory-days as a high school quarterback and that if it weren’t for the fact he tore his ACL, he’d definitely be playing alongside of one of those “Manning motherfuckers.”
“The Self-Proclaimed Ladies’ Man”
Steven has some game when he’s sober, not much, but enough that women generally don’t slap him in the face or run away at the sight of him. This is not the case when he’s wasted. For reasons beyond comprehension, he tends to use really corny/perverse pickup lines on multiple women when he drinks. His most recent being, “I like your dress….it’ll look even better on my bedroom floor” (he said this to 7 different women, one of whom was a senior citizen sitting at a bus stop).
“Macho-Man”
Frank is a meathead, gym rat who constantly talks about protein powder and the differences between his leg-day and chest-day routines. Sometimes he knows when he’s gone too far, and will usually shut up about it. Except for when he drinks. When Frank drinks he usually starts to do pull-ups on anything he can find while asking people to gather around and check out, “The Gun Show” (a phrase that no one has used as a means of comedy since 2006).
“The Double-Tapper”
Jim isn’t really into social media. He has the basic accounts for the usual shit, but as a rule, he’s pretty mellow with it. Unless he’s blacked-out. When Jim blacks out he tends to open up Instagram where he proceeds to scroll back as far as 230 weeks ago on a girl’s account and “like” all of her pictures. Every once in a while he’ll comment something like, “u lok ht.”
“DJ Stop Drinking”
Steve always needs to be in control of the music, it doesn’t matter where he is. That’s just the type of dude he is. Unfortunately this gets way, way, worse when he’s drinking. Whereas sober, he normally will ask nicely to put on a song, when he drinks he demands to be “DJ” with such aggression that most people are actually afraid of him. Shortly after he puts on a song that he deems, “fucking fire,” he can be found dancing by himself in the corner with the movement of someone who has ingested molly or has been a cast member on The Jersey Shore.
“Bro, Man, Dude,”
While Tim normally has a fairly extensive vocabulary, upon ingesting alcohol, he completes or begins (sometimes both) every-single-sentence with bro, man, or dude. For example:
“Bro, come on dude, what do you mean, man? Game of Thrones is absolutely the best show on TV, dude. I can’t believe you’re even arguing this, bro.”
“The Grill Master”
Ron loves throwing house parties, but he’s never really understood the rule that it’s best not to be the drunkest person at the gathering you’re hosting. With that being said, by the end of the night, he offers to grill some burgers for the stragglers. He’s normally really adept when it comes to grilling (it’s really not not hard to cook a frozen meat patty) but as stated, he’s drunk as fuck. Ron leaves the patties half-cooked and his drunken guests are too wasted to notice until after a few bites. Vomit ensues. People vow never to eat at Ron’s again.
“Look Before You Sip”
It’s an unfortunate reality, but for most women, examining your drink before taking is sip is pretty commonplace. Since Jake is a dude, he doesn’t really share in this practice. Furthermore, the drunker he gets, the less observant he becomes. He’s usually the guy who drinks every single leftover floater at the party. It’s a solid idea for optimizing on product, except when he accidentally drinks cigarette butts, which happens, often.
In conclusion: don’t be these guys.