In the spirit of giving, I decided I’d go ahead and grace my single-readers with some food for thought: It’s really easy to consider yourself a worthless loner when you don’t have anyone (but your family ) to share the holidays with, but the Christmas tree isn’t always greener on the other side-trust me.
I’m not knocking being in a relationship whatsoever, but I will say that having a significant other during the holidays takes the whole experience to a new level of chaos. Here’s how:
Gifts Galore
The number of gift purchases involved in a relationship is directly correlated to how long you’ve been together. If you’ve been together for a few months, don’t sweat it. Get her something, and maybe bring a bottle of wine over to her parents’ house…pretty simple, right? Right! If you’ve been together for a long time, that’s when things get tricky. Do you buy a present for her mom? What about her dad? Wait, she has 3 brothers too! How about the dog? And shit, you’ve spent numerous hours at her grandmother’s house! Does she get something too?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
It’s difficult to buy gifts for people you don’t really know on a personal level, and sure, you can ask her for suggestions but that’s sort of lame. She’ll definitely be thinking, “We’ve been together for 3 years and you can’t figure out what to buy my mother? That’s really shitty, Derek. I’m practically best friends with your Mom!!” Also, this shit gets expensive. I get it, you’re an adult now, and it’s the right thing to do….but that’s your hard-earned cash. You spend 40 hours-a-week borderline suicidal to earn that paycheck and now you need to go blow it on her snot-nosed siblings and alcoholic aunt? Great! This doesn’t make you cheap, it makes you human. Giving gifts is a really nice feeling, but spending money on yourself is even nicer.
Where Do You Go?
You want to stay home, get drunk, eat a ton of food and pass out on the floor next to the tree, but you can’t because you have to go to her house. Holidays go from a time of relaxation and indulgence, to a time of compromise. You have to please two-sets of families. You have to sacrifice your comfort and your time-off to be with people you’re most likely just constantly trying to impress. Don’t get me wrong, some families are super fucking cool, and maybe even better than yours, but more often than not, the whole thing is just uncomfortable.
THE ONE-HUNDRED-FUCKING-MILLION-QUESTIONS
What do you do for a living? Are you guys thinking about getting married? Where will you live? Where did you go to college? How many kids do you see yourself having? What’s your social security number? The list goes on, and on, and fucking on.
The Pissing Contest
People in relationships are ALWAYS competing with other people in relationships. This is never more apparent than around the holidays. This isn’t just reserved for females either. Men can be really competitive about how their girl is ‘the greatest girl ever’ (she’s not, by the way). Personally, the amount of money someone spends on me doesn’t signify shit, but generally, that matters to a lot of people, if not the majority of people. Why is it even a question what my boyfriend got me for Christmas? Like, fuck outta’ here with that! None of your business, that’s what. I do realize this is fairly contradictory based on my mentioning of buying her family nice gifts, but that’s just the way the world is, folks. Try not to be a materialistic asshole, you’ll stand out.
In summary, good luck to those in relationships this holiday season. I hope you, your psyche, and your wallet make it through in one piece. To those who are single, keep your head up, get wrecked off eggnog, and maybe Santa will bless you with a special someone just in time for the new year.