The Suite Life of Bathroom Sex

by 4 years ago

You’re perfect moment shatters when you realize your roommate has already boarded the pleasure express. Kicking him and whatever thin-lipped troll-human he summoned isn’t an option—he’s sexiled himself from the room countless times for you and you owe him. Plus, his cold streak had been teetering on inexcusable, and he has the early signs of carpal tunnel to prove it.

Things don’t look good, and not just because the flesh mound your roommate’s cramming his crank into briefly made awkward eye contact with you. No, things don’t look good because your miracle has started throwing around phrases like, “it’s late,” “maybe another time,” or “I really should go home and sleep before my grandma’s funeral.” You need a location pronto. And then, it hits you. Your suite’s bathroom is totally unoccupied.

Of course you think this is great idea. When you’re this drunk though everything seems like a good idea (e.g. the infamous taco fight, your choice to sing Barenaked Ladies at karaoke night, and don’t forget your DUI). However, you don’t see another way to get this done now. You swing for the fences, hoping she’s cool with the bathroom, and whisk this anonymous attractive stranger into the bathroom. And shockingly, in the night’s second miracle, she’s totally down.

Boom, you’re in the midst of some tender bathroom coitus, but, you be the judge, does it live up to the hype?

CON—Uncomfortable Surfaces: Within about fifteen thrusts you’ll realize every surface in here is about as hard and unforgiving as you dick currently is. If either of you are braced or propped up on anything there’s going to be a bad, non-erotic ache setting in quickly. Sure, you can try to improvise with those nasty bathmats or gross towels, but really this then just becomes an erotic way to contract ringworm.

PRO—Easy Cleanup: Conversely, with no pillows, blankets, or other nice things you might erupt on, you can feel liberated with your torrent of man gravy. It doesn’t matter if you’re a precision marksman or if you’re more the shotgun-blast-from-the-hip type when it comes to your accuracy. No matter where it ends up, you’re a simple rag wipe or a quick eye rinse away from being done with clean up.

CON—Standing Up: With no bed, and most girls not having fantasies of being plowed on a grimy bathroom floor, you’re going to be on your feet sans your Dr. Scholls inserts. Plus, it’s going to be abundantly clear if you’re out of shape when you tire after forty seconds and your power thrusting subsides into feeble poking.

PRO—Home Field Advantage: When you bring her back to your place it’s a total advantage. At her place her roommates might try to talk her out of a “mistake” if they walk in, but should your “fans” step in they’ll likely just give you a quick nod, maybe a fist bump, before nonchalantly leaving to go pee in the garbage disposal.

CONToo Bright: To a staggering number of us, light is our enemy when it comes to our appearance. With the dark you can hide unsightly scars and Deliverance teeth, but with the bathroom though, you and your partner are subjected to a butt load of unkind, all-too-honest light.

PRO—There’s a Shower: Obviously, when her height and your height match up this can be a self-explanatory, wonderful game changer.

There you have it. Like most things in life, bathroom sex is ideal when you’re both in good shape and have complementary heights. If you’re weak or don’t look good naked, frankly, it doesn’t matter; you’re still gonna do it.

Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays and some Tuesdays usually. Look for more of his writing, his archive, and his updates at or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.

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