The Top 10 Worst Non-Candy Halloween Treats

by 5 years ago

I know I've already gone on record today saying Halloween isn't my favorite holiday, and I'm not a shit-piler but maybe this abhorrence has a little something to do with all the pent-up rage I have towards people who give out these non-candy treats? I don't know for sure, but I fucking hate people who suck at giving Christmas presents so there has to be a correlation somewhere.

I don't know why, but my neighbors were a bunch of mouth breathers when it came to Halloween candy. It isn't like I spent my childhood living in squalor; I grew up in the suburbs surrounded by people with enough money and hopefully enough intelligence to know how to buy a bag of fucking fun-size Snickers. Instead, I had morons giving me everything short of their wife's used tampon. I can't explain it. I can only take solace in knowing that the rest of the staff seemed to have some horrifying experiences as well. All of our collective trash treats (see: treats immediately thrown in the trash out of fear or disgust) are below.

Bad Halloween Treats Baby Carrots

Baby Carrots
Just because your stupid kid came out a diabetic doesn't mean you have to ruin it for all the other children.

Bad Halloween Treats Raisins

The real pricks would fool you by giving out those tiny bags — the paper ones you can't see through — and stuffing it to max capacity so you thought you hit the candy jackpot… until you get home and open it to find two boxes of raisins, candy corn, and a roll of Smarties that you will inevitably crush and try to snort.

Bad Halloween Treats Wax Teeth
Wax Teeth
This one was on AZ's list. I have to guess he is referring to fake vampire teeth? I don't really know, but in the grand scheme of shittiness, these might not be so bad.

Bad Halloween Treats Fig Newtons

Fig Newtons
I'm all for cookies, but not on Halloween and certainly not Fig Newtons.

Bad Halloween Treats Pencil

School Supplies
Just what every kid wants, a fucking pencil.

Bad Halloween Treats Popcorn Balls

Popcorn Balls
The mere thought of these things brings me nothing but unpleasant memories. I must have gotten over 100 of these in my lifetime and never once was the goddamn thing edible. They were always either rock hard or half-way unwrapped (they didn't always come in sealed packaging like above). I guess they never did anything bad to me personally, they just sucked. Basically I compare them to shitty white college rappers.

Bad Halloween Treats Apple

Pieces of Fruit
“Gee thanks! Would you now like to watch as I sink my teeth into the apple (that you probably just poisoned in an effort to rape my youthful asshole)? No? O.K., I'll be going now and if you hear the sound of an apple absolutely exploding off your house, it won't be this one.”

Bad Halloween Treats 5 Hour Energy

5-Hour Energy
Someone actually gave this to my friend's four-year-old godson last year. What can you say to that? At least is wasn't a Four Loco?

Bad Halloween Treats Saltines
Word to the wise, if your going to give out soup crackers, you may as well just uproot your own mailbox and give the kid a carton of eggs because your house is going to be fucked.

Bad Halloween Treats Block of Wood

A Block of Wood
I kid you not. I once got a block of wood. To understand this, let me tell you a quick story. A story of how fucked up my neighbor (who lived directly across the street from me) was. Every year this man, who at the time was a lawyer by trade (by now he's probably hacked his family to pieces), would turn his garage into this poor man's haunted house. Kids would come up, he'd get his sick kicks by scaring the shit out of them, and then he'd send them on their way. No candy, no nothing. It was a pretty harmless operation. Until one year the genius added a twist to his little haunted paradise; he fired-up a live chainsaw and started ripping through 2×4's like a fucking executioner right in front of us. It was unbelievable. He was standing there, dressed as grim reaper, screaming like a maniac, and swinging a goddamn chainsaw around. He never once broke character either. He didn't even give a shit if some kid cried. He just tossed them a block of wood and got back to business. No regard for anything.

Looking back on it, the block of wood probably isn't even the issue here.

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