When you’re having sex, sometimes weird shit just slips out. It happens. All’s fair in love and war, and all that. But there are some things that you should never say during sex, or anytime immediately before or after, for that matter.
These are things that will cause the fabled lady boner to say “nah, maybe next time” as you are marked as a beta cringe-lord incapable of pleasing anyone, most likely including yourself.
I know, it’s harsh, but this is a harsh, unforgiving world and if you want to survive in it without seeing that look of profound disappointment and outright disgust in a woman’s eyes, never, ever say these nine things during sex.
“Is this good for you?”
Look, it’s okay to communicate. I’m not talking about letting each other know what you like. What I’m talking about is that moment of profound insecurity, when you’re not sure if she’s getting off or not and so you ask this. Here’s a hint: if you can’t tell, then no, it probably isn’t good for her. You asking her just sounds insecure and sad, and far from making it better for her, it will just make things even worse as she gives up and just waits for you to dribble your sad best on her thigh so she can get dressed and go home.
“Did you get off?”
Along the same lines, this is obviously insecure and she knows you’re only asking it because deep down, you know damn well she didn’t and you just want her to lie to you. So not only have you failed to satisfy her, you’re also now begging for an A grade when you know you didn’t put in the work. Shameful. Instead of begging for approval, just work harder, bro.
“Is it big enough?”
I’m just shaking my head at you right now, bro. And guess what? She is too, even if you can’t see it. Whether that’s out of pity or disgust is the only question. It’s not that you aren’t big enough, man. Only a shitty person will make you feel bad for that. It’s because you’re obviously – and here’s that word again – insecure. Horrifically, embarrassingly insecure. And nothing’s a bigger turnoff than that. If you’re really that worried about, invest in a penis pump. Do some, uh, stretching exercises. Sure, they won’t work, but if it stops you from begging her to validate your tiny dick then, by all means, go for it.
“My ex…”
No. Stop. Just… stop. Anything you have to say that begins with those words will not be good. In any situation. But especially in this situation. No one wants to be reminded that the person they’re boning down with has been fucking other people. I mean, yeah, you know it, but that doesn’t mean you want to hear about it. I mean, what good do you think will come from this? “My ex did it like this…” Jesus Christ. You can expect a response of “Fine, then go fuck her” followed by something being thrown at your head. This is because you are a goddamn fool.
“Are you almost there?”
Way to show her how much you’re into her, bro. I mean, that’s what every girl dreams of hearing: a dude asking her if she’s about to get off just so he can blow a load and go home. And again, if you don’t already know…
“Come on, please?”
Unless you’re into some roleplaying shit here, this is never a good idea, no matter what it is you’re begging for. It just makes you look like a little boy, which unless you’re Jared from Subway, isn’t exactly a turn-on. Plus, how into it do you think she’s gonna be if she has to basically break down and do it just to shut you up? Of course, maybe that doesn’t matter to you, but that’s also why you’re shit at sex. Congrats?
“There’s cab money on the dresser.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Look, I shouldn’t have to explain this to you, but here goes: women do not like being treated like literal whores. Yeah, sometimes shit gets wild in the actual heat of battle so to speak, and you can get away with saying a lot of nasty, offensive shit, but once things have calmed down, the last thing she wants to feel like is a goddamn prostitute. Sure, you might think you’re just doing her a favor in your own sad way, but what you’re really saying is “Hey, that was fun, now get the fuck out.” And that’s the best case message.
“I love you.”
Okay, look, I’m not talking about a committed relationship or whatever here. I’m talking about saying “I love you” because you get carried away while boning someone you just met. I get it, man. Passions are high, shit gets moving inside of you and things get said. But no, not this one. Never this one. I mean, think about it. Even on the .00001% chance that this doesn’t completely freak her out and she’s actually into it and returns the love, it’s still going to pull her right out of the moment and then you’ll spend all night naming your kids and horrible shit like that. And again, that’s the best case scenario here.
Nothing at all.
As we have seen, there are a lot of things you don’t want to say. But that doesn’t mean you should just avoid saying anything at all. Sex is supposed to be passionate and noisy. You’re supposed to communicate. Otherwise, she’ll probably think she’s just fucking a serial killer. You don’t have to go over the top with it and say a bunch of crazy shit or anything. You just have to be natural, and into the moment. Be confident. Be engaging. As bad as saying the wrong thing can be, saying nothing is probably even worse. Confusing? Well, welcome to sex.
Couple image by Shutterstock