According to a survey from IllicitEncounters.com, a dating website for married people, the top excuses that men use when cheating on their significant others are neither clever, novel nor creative. Bros, let me preface the list of reasons by saying I think we can do better – if, y’know, cheating on your girlfriend/wife is your sort of thing. I’d like to point out it’s not MY thing, but if it’s yours, well, stop using any of the following excuses:
- Playing golf: 34%
- “I’ve got a business meeting” / “I have to work late”: 27%
- Going to the bar with friends: 13%
- Going to the gym: 5%
- Shopping for groceries (come on, who actually buys this one): 4%
- Other: 17%
Illicit Encounters spokesman Christian Grant says that it makes sense that playing golf is the most commonly used excuse, as “it covers you for several hours, especially if you’re playing 18 holes and not nine. It’s also something you can do fairly consistently without raising too much suspicion.”
Is this really the best we can do? I think not, Bros – the best lies are lies where no one wants to know the details, take for example…
“Sorry babe, I was at the strip club and lost track of time” – covering up a horrible lie with a less-bad lie that won’t get you in nearly as much trouble (assuming your SO isn’t a stick in the mud) is always a good strategy.
“I am dying…of cancer?” – No one wants to hear about how you spent the last eight hours puking from chemo, and as long as your girl is an idiot she won’t notice your hair isn’t falling out. Bonus points if you’re bald; in fact I’d go so far as to say that this is the only excuse you should use if you have no hair.
Jump immediately into the story about that time she spilled soup on herself at Ruth Chris Steak House – Does your girl like hearing embarrassing stories? Yes? How about embarrassing stories about herself? No? Then this is the perfect distraction to make her forget that she was trying to figure out where you were last night.
You are ugly and I do not want to make fuck with you anymore – honesty is always the best policy, unless you’re not trying to break up in which case allow me to direct you back to “I am dying…of cancer?”
[H/T Mirror]