Public transportation sucks for a lot of reasons, but most of all it’s the masses of idiots, douchebags, jerkwads and assholes. There are so many types people to hate when taking public transportation – so many! So won’t you hate them along with us?
The Smelly
Some “smelly” people have a faint scent. These are not the people you find on the bus, train or subway. What I’m talking about is that fetid, ancient, rancid animal fat-coated rotten vegetation smell that makes you want to downgrade to four senses.
The Loud
Make like a monk and shut up til you die obnoxious businessmen making phone calls, people whose music you can clearly hear on their headphones, children of all types, and yes, also wild bro packs on the way back from any sporting, live entertainment, or drinking event. Sorry it had to be said.
People Who Are Standing In Your Way
These people don’t understand that public transportation means everyone around them is likely in a hurry. So these oblivious MF’ers who are standing still on the left side of the escalator, or blocking a doorway without a blessed shred of thought to it need to be tried and prosecuted for their blatant disregard of human decency and consideration.
Transit Employees
Like DMV employees, doctor’s office receptionists and everyone who’s ever served me at Wendy’s (many of) these people hate their jobs and they hate you too. Clearly, they’re an absolute pleasure to be around.
Tourists
There’s nothing inherently wrong with tourists navigating our transportation routes so they can enjoy their vacation or catch a plane, but no matter how logically that may make sense, they’re still just there with bulky luggage blocking the way and, a sense of wonder for shit we take for granted and an aimlessness that generally pisses us off.
Passive-Aggressive
If you want to sit somewhere where a guy has spread his legs out or a girl has decided to stretch out for a nap or place her pocketbook, you need to ask them instead of a) sitting on them or b) passive aggressively trying to publicly shame them because you lack the courage and respect to address them one human being to another.
Aggressive
On the flip side, if someone makes a polite and reasonable request and you couldn’t care less or give them a hard time, you’re an aggressive douchebag and might need to be taught a fist + face-based lesson.
Religious Zealots
Don’t hand me a pamphlets, don’t shrill about the end of days, do not bless me for any other reason than me sneezing (and honestly, don’t even do that). Please just fuck off as hard as you can.
Everyone Else
Yes, everyone in general. Jeeeezus you’re all a bunch of animals with the pushing, shoving, crowding, spreading out, talking loud, inconsideration, grossness, and overall evil nature of who you are when commuting. Thank you for adding yet another entry to my library of stress nightmares.
Crowded subway image by Shutterstock