Some Updated Rules For First Date Behavior

by 3 years ago

Someone recently asked me, “Hey Awesome Dude, what is your secret talent?” I turned to my mental rolodex of talents: headstands, having great hair, flop shots, talking with a fake Mexican inflection in my voice, etc. Then it came to me—first dates.

As of this summer, it had been a while since I had gone on a first date. While I feared that the “if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it” rule may apply to me, I was pleasantly surprised that it didn’t. Frankly, I crushed it. I followed these rules and it worked to a tee.

Now, I’m not saying these tried and true principals will work for everyone. I’m a mid-to-late 20s Bro with an affinity for going out on the weekends and watching sports. You may not be like me, and I can respect that (kind of). But if you are like me? Let’s hash this out.

Rule No. 1: Don’t wash your hair for two days prior.

Every hot Bro knows that his hair peaks on day 3 of not washing it. It’s science. You get the perfect combination of grease and day-old product going that your flow just appears radiant from across the table.

If your lettuce isn’t on point, might as well call it and cancel the whole fuckin’ date.

Rule No. 2: Choose a neutral location, preferably a spot where no familiar faces will be.

You don’t want any awkward run-ins. You want a safe haven to get your first date game momentum going. You and your ex have a favorite restaurant? Avoid it. Leave your tab open at your favorite watering hole last weekend? You’re not going there. Your boys hitting the town while you wine and dine this girl? Stay away from any place they could ever possibly be.

Me? I’m picking somewhere that we can eat al-fuckin-fresco, or I’m picking a place with dim lighting that says, “I’m setting the mood while also trying to hide any potential blemishes that either you or I have.” Love me or hate me, you can’t deny that I’m a people pleaser.

Rule No. 3: Walk up to her door.

I don’t care if you’re in a city or if you’re picking this cutie up from her parent’s house in your hometown—you grow a dick and you walk to that motherfucking door.

Remember that time in Friday Night Lights when Coach Taylor told Saracen to get laid, so Saracen asked out Coach Taylor’s daughter, then showed up to Coach Taylor’s house wearing a Member’s Only jacket while simultaneously turning down Coach Taylor’s beer offer because he “had to drive?” Yeah, it was a brutal way to start a first date. But at least Saracen had enough self-respect to realize that even though Coach Taylor scared him shitless, he had to be man enough to pick Julie up and show the Taylor family that he was an upstanding dude.

My dad would be more disappointed in me if he heard that I texted a girl from my car, “I’m here.” than he would be if he heard I skipped 30% of my college classes. There’s being a man and there’s being a gentleman—figure out what you want to be.

Rule No. 4: Eat slower than your date.

On the surface, this rule touches on the idea that you don’t want to be a pig in front of the potential mother to your children. Fuck that though. You establish not being a pig purely by your food choice (don’t order finger foods or pasta, only order something that can be cut with a knife and fork).

The real reasons behind slow-eating your date are fairly simple. By taking time between bites, you give yourself the opportunity to run the conversation in the direction that you want it to go. You also extend the date beyond a quick 45-minute dinner and into the territory of “you know, we really got to know each other.”

Rule No. 5: Get a little boozy.

Don’t be afraid to get on the cocktail train. And I’m not just talking at dinner. I’m talking about possible post-date drinks too. If you get on the train, she’ll get on the train with you.

Let’s be honest: a little liquid courage never hurt anyone. Unless you’ve got the confidence of a lion, you’re probably going to have a little touch of awkwardness on the first date. That’s just day one, first date stuff. You sign up for that the second you initiate going to dinner.

But, with a little buzz? Your jokes are funnier, your mistakes are more forgettable, and your chest puffs out a little more.

But don’t misconstrue this suggestion. I’m not saying you need to black out, but I am saying that it wouldn’t hurt to get enough of a buzz where someone may ask you, “Are you good to drive?” Girls aren’t impressed by guys who can’t hold their liquor, so don’t take this too far.

At the end of the night, you’ll be struttin’ home with a little buzzed kick in your step, maybe a touch of make-up on your cheek, and a dime-piece that you’ll wanna call the next day. And if not? Hopefully you’re still good at flop shots.


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