Here’s Why Having Sex With A Virgin Is Always The Worst Idea Ever

By 11.06.14  •  2 Comments

[J.Camm’s Note: The time has come for me to hand off the Ask a Bro column to another writer. And the lucky recipient is Chris Illuminati (yes, that’s his real last name — fucking incredible, I know). It has been a great five-year run — answering all of your perverse questions — but I have too many other responsibilities on my metaphorical plate and I just can’t offer this bitch the tender lovin’ she deserves. So thanks to those who read, those who shared their harrowing life issues, and a special fuck you to all of the sick individuals who asked me in a thousand different ways what it would take for me to fuck my own mother and/or watch my parents have sex. In spite of that latter group’s efforts, I still love you all and I hope, at some point, I was able to impart some wisdom through all the nonsense and vulgarity. See you on the other side. Take it away, Chris…]

Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.

Q: My dude, I have a question which needs your immediate attention. So there’s this girl who in my opinion likes me but I think she’s never had sex. We go to different colleges in different states, we’re both seniors in college and I’ve known her since freshman year of high school. So I think I’m falling for her, I can’t get her out of my head, and she’s amazing in every way. So how do you think I should go about this whole situation?

A: You’re either not getting laid at your own school or…that’s all I’ve got because I can’t think of any other reasons you’d be hard up for a virgin living miles way. Stop living in the past. High school you wants to bang high school her but that homecoming float has long since left the field.

And sad news I’m going to have to break but no girl is “amazing in every way.” Not getting her hymen ripped in her early twenties isn’t exactly “amazing” unless you’re counting the fact I’m amazed bragging about virginity is still a thing broads do.  She could also be hanging onto her V-card for religious reasons which is an even bigger red flag. She’s got way, way to much baggage that you’ll have to help her carry around.

You’re a senior in college. Do you want to know who you should be banging? Anyone on campus who’ll sleep with you. If you want to like this girl, fine, but that should have zero effect on the pipe you should be laying around your own campus.

 

Q: Hey so if you’re going on a date w/ a girl to take her to a movie, is it a good idea or a bad one to take her to a chick flick? If not, what kinds of movies do you guys recommend?

A: I recommend growing a set of nuts immediately. Ever see those Chia Pet commercials? Rub some dirt under your dick, water it, and grow some balls that should hopefully sprout by spring.

You made the date so you pick the movie. I’m not saying you’ve got to buy two tickets to a gory slasher flick or anything that would scare the boy shorts off of her (it probably wouldn’t hurt your chances of getting laid) but there’s absolutely no reason to sit through a two hour rom-com. She wants you to pick the movie because she’s judging you and all she’s got so far is “this dude wants in my crotch so hard he’s sitting through a Nicholas Sparks flick.” It’s unattractive as hell for a woman to date a man who thinks with his own vagina.

I recommend whatever is the top movie grossing movie at the time. You can’t be faulted for picking the most popular movie with the entire country. I also recommend wearing lose fitting pants. Not because she’s going to hand out any jobs but because that ball dirt really needs room to breath if you want your nads to blossom by April.

Q: Bro, The first of October has struck, and many bros, myself included, are forced to surrender their summer booty back to the pirates of their respective place of (higher) education. A new semester often indicates a fresh start, but what is more fresh than knowing your dick is as clean as the kegerator that was cleaned last May? My question is, if one were to test positive for an STD and didn’t know from whom or when it was contracted, how far back into one’s sexual past should the ladies be notified.

Obviously, nobody has really worn condoms since Nam, so _____ from sophomore year probably wouldn’t be in the group text. I suppose it’s an open ended question depending on how many girls said bro has banged, but as a fellow looking for an open ended response, just say 6 girls in the last 6 months. Any input would be beneficial in regards to whom I (someone) would contact. Also, at the end of Point Break when Bodie body surfs that huge wave at Bell’s Beach, is it assumed he dies from breaking his neck or drowning?

A: First off, show some respect, it’s Bodhi and men like Bohdi never die. Bodhi lives forever, inside all of us, as spirit and an inner voice to chance the biggest wave, rob the biggest banks, and bang the biggest best broads. But in this cause, Bodhi did die. Neck snapped like a fucking weathered tree limb.

As far as notifying past bangs, my number is a manageable zero. Do you want to be the guy on campus who might have an STD or the guy catching up with old flings saying “yes I do and you might too” and verifying it for them to spread around college faster than your dick gunk? If you tell even one girl, she tells ten, and you’re never getting laid again.

Now, moving forward, you’ve got to fess up. If she likes you enough she won’t care and it will make her STD seem not so bad.

Vaya con dios, Brah.

Q: My bro hunters ex sent nudes to my other bro Sam, sam did not send any back or keep them hunter is mad at Sam and wants to debro Sam what should I do?

A: Is this English? Is the bro hunter a porn video genre? I’ve seen MILF Hunter and Sis Hunter but Bro Hunter is news to these eyes. Of course, it’s not exactly my choice of porn viewing, so I’ll just take your word.

What should you do? Stay the fuck out of it. It’s between, I’m guessing two bros named Hunter and Sam, so let those two hash it out. You should be trying to get naked photos sent to you or at least brushing up on your spelling and grammar.

Q: Love to watch wife get fucked by other but she won’t agree if ask. So how?

A: What’s your address and how big are your bedroom windows? Peek inside them around 5pm tonight and ignore my white ass, I haven’t had much time in the sun this season.

Q: This is the deal. A totally nude Mila Kunis offers to give you the blowjob to end all blowjobs and a $50.00 Red Lobster gift card; as long as Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, Weird Al Yankovic, Eddie Murphy, Adam West and some unknown dude in a Sponge Bob costume are all in the same room watching and jerking each other off. Would you do it?

A: Hang on, hang on, this is an impossible scenario. Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher would never be in the same room together. They hate each other. I don’t want to have to act like a peacemaker in the middle of a Mila Kunis knob slob and day dream about those buttery bay biscuits.

Submit your Ask a Bro questions here


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