Motivations will vary. It could be a fluke shit-storm that brews up out of seemingly nothing and catches you by surprise on the way to class. Maybe you’re ducking out from the bar one night to avoid a line-heavy, vomit-riddled bathroom situation. Or, perchance, you’re merely trying to fulfill a semester-long ambition to poop in every public toilet in town and, suddenly, you’re feeling the exhilarating rush of an impending doody bomb. Whatever your reason, stay loose (but not to the point of risking errant leakage) and follow these principles in order to frequent any establishment’s bathroom without ever having to pay for anything.
Shut Your Mouth Hole: This isn’t social hour. This is just you making a quick deposit at the First National Bank of Dump. Be rude and don’t acknowledge it if you recognize anyone. The less you say the less of chance there is of anyone noticing you or your filthy motives. This is like reality TV—you aren’t here to make friends.
Enter With a Crowd if Possible: The swarm is an incredibly potent weapon, both in the art of non-customer bathrooms usage and when mugging foreign tourists at the airport with a band of orphans. Enter with a group of friends or simply follow a cluster in; the others invariably run distraction and allowing you to tactically break to the bathroom, undetected, for your needed excavation.
Walk With Purpose: If you’re wavering at all, like that whole Ross-and-Rachel-will-he-won’t-he-non-committal routine, someone employee will ask you if you need help. From there, you’re either going to have to whip up an unrehearsed lie, sheepishly buy something, or be asked to leave immediately after you reveal your plan to abruptly abscond after popping off some hot dump.
Avoid Eye Contact: Develop a good scowl. It’ll deter most from wanting to speak to you and, truly, it’s a solid technique for not talking to anyone at anything from team-building exercises at the office to the typical family funeral. An effective grimace puts up a social barrier and conveys “I’m not going to ask you about your shit; so don’t you ask me about my looming shit.”
Cry or Barter if Needed: If there’s a line and you can’t just lock n’ squat, you may be confronted by managers wanting you to purchase one of their gorditas or leave their Jiffy Lube. Remember, everything is negotiable, tears can lubricate said negotiations as well as elicit pity, and sometime the direct, loudly-bellowed statement can work by itself when it’s something like: “This is coming out of me in twenty seconds, Mr. Manager! Where do you want it, in your bathroom or on the floor here in front of your customers and the fucking free world?”
Power it Out: Once you’re in, it’s not time to finesse, or show off, or send snaps. This is the fourth quarter and you’re not leaving anything in the tank. Then just power wipe, maybe flush, I guess quickly wash your hands, and get out. You’re in and out like SEAL Team Six, Danny Ocean, or a ghost python.
Prepare to Ask for Forgiveness Not Permission: Even in the chance that you’re confronted on your walk out, you can always calmly explain that what’s done is done. You can’t un-poop whatever stank you’ve already unloaded. There’s nothing left for you to do now except give them a wave and walk out. The game is the game.
Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his BroBible.com archive, and his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.