Welcome Week Madness: A Bro Meets the Best-Worst Roommate Ever
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My freshman year of college, I came in to something that I can't say I expected. My school was about six hours from home and leaving at 8 a.m. to get there at 2 p.m. was what seemed logical. I walked in the room and the first thing I see is my roommate (whom I've never met) shaving his chest in our mirror.
The first words he said were, “Don't judge me, man.”
I had no idea what I could say. Needless to say, I figured this kid was nuts and I was going to hate him. Once my parents sent me off and it was just me and my cleanly shaven roommate alone, I figured out I was going to love this kid.
He had our mini-fridge stocked with 60 beers. You may not think that 60 beers can fit in a mini-fridge, but it did. I actually tried it again with no luck.
My roommate and I set in on these beers and I was making small dents, while this tank couldn't stop chugging them. Within the hour, this crazy f*ck was 15-deep.
I didn't know what to think. Should I stop him, join him, or cheer him on? I was freaking out. Well, we got to talking and he lived on a farm and had been drinking since age 10. No surprise there.
We went to this house party all sh*thoused, and we had a good time. He did his thing and I did mine.
I was pursuing this girl all night and she seemed to be into me. We went back to her place and I told Roommate that I would be back later. So I went to this chick’s room and started hooking up.
This part’s fuzzy to me, but all I remember was she wouldn't let me take her bra off and it was pissing me off. So finally I just said “f*ck it” and ripped it off. I literally just ripped her bra off her body. As she turned around to grab it while being a stupid chick and yelling at me, the door opened to her roommate stumbling in and eventually literally projectile vomiting across the room.
I got up didn't help at all and walked home. I was shell-shocked and ready to just fall asleep.
I walked into my dorm building and every piece of furniture in the common rooms was just flipped upside-down. I knew it had to be him. I got to my door, opened it, and literally was face-to-face with a f*cking forest in my room.
Roommate successfully took every fake tree in the common areas throughout the whole building and put them in my room. All I remember as I fell asleep was him waking up and saying, “Man, I think I'm going to get a monkey for us.”
Needless to say that was the most eventful day/night of my life and I can never forget it.
Another note, he got kicked out of school after two more weeks and I never saw him again. What a legend.