A Comprehensive Guide to Shit You Actually Should Hide From Your Girlfriend
First off, let's get one thing out of the way. I'm all for honest and open relationships. For example, if you and your girlfriend are driving down a road and you crack off a sewer fart, you probably shouldn't deny it. There's only two of you in the car, and by process of elimination she knows she didn't fart, but if she's dumb enough that you can convince her otherwise then you have bigger problems than how honest the two of you are with each other. On the other hand, let's say your ex has been hitting you up on Facebook for the past few days. Nothing scandalous or suggestive, of course. She's just looking for conversation. And let's say for the sake of this argument, your current girlfriend is a solid 8/10 and your ex is Kate Upton. Do you tell your girlfriend?
FUCK to the NO. Guys, the saying “bitches be crazy” isn't just some stupid line. It's a law. I'd even go as far to say that it's more of a law than all that shit Newton came up with (like I know anything about physics), and that it should be taught in social studies classes starting in elementary school so that in cases of emergency involving women, everyone can resort back to this one bit of logic. Don't believe me? Lookaddis shit.
Over McNuggets. Little chunks of fried chicken turd served to you in a cardboard box. Granted, the audio is dubbed, but she actually did freak out because they were out.
Oh, and those farts I talked about earlier? Yeah, depending on who's in the car with you they might kill you.
And last but not least, vote or die.
These are literally all so goddamn stupid I'm almost embarrassed to have a vagina. The thing is though, there aren't really that many stories of men blowing their stack over shit like this. If they're trying to kill someone, it's because the guy punched him in the face or broke into his house. Or because they're both really drunk. OR because they thought it'd be a funny prank but fucked it up.
The only man I can find that even comes close to the level of “crazy bitch” I listed up there is this guy, who attacked his boyfriend because he wouldn't stop playing Alanis Morissette. To be fair though, imagine watching those fucking ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan for a few hours on repeat. If I were on that jury, acquittal all the way motherfuckaa.
But back to the point. Men are dumb. But bitches…they're actually crazy.
Now you can, of course, tell your girlfriend that Kate Upton has been hitting you up on Facebook over the past few days. Then you can proudly go put on your “Morally superior” pants and strut all around the house while your girl goes insane. “Insane?” you say? “But nothing actually happened! We were just chatting.” Oh contraire, my holier-than-thou friend. In a rational world, your girlfriend would acknowledge that nothing happened. Now, go back and watch that Chicken McNuggets video again.
The world is not rational.
In her mind, the following questions pop up:
1. Did he chat her first?
2. Why did he chat her first?
3. What did they talk about?
4. Why are they talking?
5. Is she prettier than me?
6. Oh FUCK does this mean I'm getting fat?
7. If she chatted him first, why did he respond?
8. Why would he even want to talk to her??
While in your head, which is arguably the more sane of the two at this given moment, probably has some sort of variation like this:
“Maybe if I turn the volume down really low she won't notice that I put on Sports Center.”
Did you cheat on your girlfriend? Did you confess your undying love to your ex and tell her how you're only with your current girl because you got bored? Of course not. Literally, literally all you did was talk to someone. Over the Internet. But all that matters to her is the fact that you talked to her…unless the subject matter was about how much you hate her face and want to rub feces in her hair. That's perfectly fine.
The same goes for other harmless shit too, because everything will get over-analyzed and stick in her head for the next few months until something catastrophic happens. Catastrophic as in “getting hit in the head by a semi and having permanent memory loss” catastrophic. Your browser history has 20 hits in a row of an old slam's profile? Doesn't matter that she popped up on your newsfeed, girlfriend is gonna think it's because you miss fucking her. You sent a Snapchat of a dead squirrel to your ex because…well, let's be honest, you are a weird dickmonkey. Well your girl can't see what you sent, so for all she knows it was a photo of a secret wedding ring you bought her because you plan on running away and eloping.
It's not about having a relationship full of secrets, it's about using discretion. If you lose ten grand of your vacation fund at the casino's over a weekend, should you say something? Obviously, because that's important. But if it's something dumb that'll get blown out of proportion in her head, keep that shit to yourself. It'll save the both of you a fuckload of headaches.
Man and woman fighting pic via Shutterstock