While Doing Hard Time, 85-Year-Old Whitey Bulger Caught Red-Handed Masturbating In Cell

by 2 years ago

Whitey Bulger was one of the FBI’s Most Wanted Fugitves after his lifetime of organized crime. The former syndicated crime boss was said to have a net worth of $25 million. Now the 85-year-old geezer is in federal prison pulling his pud and getting a slap on the muscular wrist.

The Boston mobster, who would brutally beat any adversary, was caught manhandling himself last June. Apparently, Bulger was caught masturbating with the lights on at 3 a.m. according to documents obtained by the Boston Globe.

A corrections officer was making early morning rounds at the federal penitentiary in Sumterville, Florida when he caught Bulger red-handed doing the five-knuckle shuffle. While behind bars, Whitey was varnishing his pole.

“I got you!” the guard allegedly hollered, which may have also been what Whitey said to his mini-Whitey.

The document gives almost too much details, like it was a George R.R. Martin novel. The document states that Bulger was rubbing his genitals with his left hand. If its true, you’ve got to hand it to the old fart if he’s still getting it up.

The prison has a tight grip on the inmates, and declares that all sexual activity is prohibited.

Whitey’s spankapalooza cost him 30 days in solitary confinement and the loss of commissary and email privileges for the same time period. Sounds like a stiff penalty to me.

Whitey’s a smart fella, I wouldn’t put it past him if he used his noodle and orchestrated this whole ordeal. “Finally, I can buff my bishop in peace here in solitary confinement.”

Ummm hello? He’s in fucking jail, where the fuck else is he supposed to unclog his pipes? And do you really want all these murderers and rapists not getting all that poison out? That’s how prison riots start because everyone is all backed up and cranky.

“I’ve never had any charges like that in my whole life,” Whitey said at a disciplinary hearing. “I’m 85-years-old. My sex life is over.”

Bulger tried to beat the wrap by alleging that the guard saw him applying a special medicated powder to his genitals in an effort to treat a yeast infection. I’d rather say I was jerking it and get solitary confinement instead of saying that I have a yeast infection in my pants.

“I volunteer to take polygraph test to prove my answer to this charge,” the crime boss said. “I ended up with a condition and I’m embarrassed to go to medical because they have female nurses over there.” If you’re in jail, wouldn’t you want to go see the female nurses, especially if you have a problem with your junk? Then you could snap a mental image so you can jerk off to your memories at 3 in the morning.

Bulger said he needed to keep the lights on at night because he is haunted by horrible nightmares, which are a byproduct of an LSD experiment he participated in while locked up in an Atlanta federal penitentiary for a bank robbery.

Whitey Bulger has a yeast infection. Not so much of a badass mob boss anymore.


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