Why You’re Not Closing the Deal, Plus a Guy Proposed to a Girl With a Pack of Cigarettes

by 5 years ago

Q: I've been going through a sort-of dry patch the last two months, and it's really been doing damage to my confidence. I'm a decent-looking guy, have some pretty good 'nice guy' wheels, but lately I haven't been able to seal the deal with any chicks. With 4 different girls in the last month (2 of which were dates) I went home with girls and literally just ended up sleeping with them without doing the deed. My question is, is it possible that these girls who are down to make out, dry-f*ck and have me sleep over just not dtf, or am I just blowing the close. Thanks!

A: People still dry f*ck? Sometimes you Breaus open my eyes to some really strange sh*t. Don’t think I don’t appreciate it.

Here are your main problems, in no particular order:

1. you refer to yourself as a “nice guy.”
2. you rely on your “nice guy” wheels to get you laid dry f*cked.
3. you’re being used, for your cuddles.

Q: A long time ago, my girl made me dinner and dessert for my birthday. Unfortunately the dessert was loaded with battery acid or antifreeze, I don't f*cking know. Point being, I was visibly sick and have given her hell about it to this day. The question: is making fun of a woman's cooking as taboo as railing on a man for his car repair skills?

A: Do you ever want a meal cooked for you again? Doesn’t sound like it. While a woman’s place is not in the kitchen, she does have some sense of obligation towards being able to navigate it. Don’t f*ck with the order of the universe.

If you’ve ever heard the expression, “don’t sh*t where you eat”, take that literally and apply it to this situation.

Q: I’m 18, and I made the mistake of getting engaged to a girl (I proposed with a pack of cigarettes) who already has a now 2 year old son. But I loved her and that really didn’t matter to me. She left me a few months ago, saying that she needed space, and needed to be able to hang out with her friends, but I never didn’t let her do any of that. And she told me to wait a week or two, and then maybe we could talk about getting back together. That two weeks turned into a few months, and she decided that she didn’t want to be anything more than friends. Things just started falling apart from there, and we were barely even friends anymore, we just argued and fought all of the time, and she’d treat me like sh*t. I was just starting to be okay again, and she called me one night saying that she couldn’t be “just friends” with me, and that she still loved me. I decided that I would give her another chance, and right after that she said that she couldn’t give me another chance. She turned everything upside down, and now I can’t let her go. And now she wants to be “best friends” like we used to be. And she is talking to someone else, who I happened to want to smash his goddamn face in for years now. But I don’t want to not have her in my life. So what should I do? Do I rain hell down upon the guys face with the thundering fury of Thor's Hammer? Or just be friends with her? Or do I get her out of my life completely?

A: Take it easy, redneck Zeus.

First things first: move to a town where people don’t perform marriage proposals with packs of cigarettes.

Second, what I’m gathering is that you’re still “engaged” to this manipulative wench, who may or may not have been featured on “16 and pregnant, ultra slutty edition”. Not that you can take actual legal action in repealing a symbolic pack of cigarettes, but end that sh*t completely, and forever, now.

Finally, GO TO SCHOOL. That’s where they’ll teach you all about education and why you should stop getting your heart broken by teen moms and start learning your times tables.

Q: I recently, in an effort to make myself more appealing to chicks, lost over 100 lbs, turned my degree into a good paying job, and bought a new car. This is drawing interest from a girl I’ve spent years chasing that's always been “just a friend”. I'm tempted to pursue it, but my boys say ignore it,and not to sound lame, but it seems like confirmation that she doesn't “like me for me”. Give her a chance, or focus on chicks that didn't know my fat broke former self?

A: Respect, formerly chubby Breau. Although it sounds to me like the fat guy inside of you is still doing the thinking. Be the confident skinny guy you’ve become, and act on a whim. Maybe you’ve opened her eyes to something she never noticed before, or maybe she just prefers skinny guys with money. Either way, you’re lookin’ good, you’re feelin’ good, and there’s plenty more to come if it doesn’t work out. Take that sh*t for a ride and see what happens. And no, I’m not talking about your — let me guess — 3 series BMW.

Thanks for reading, Breaus. Submit your Ask a Babe questions here

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