Medical Professionals Revealed The Wildest Excuses People Have Given For Sex-Related Injuries

By 05.16.16
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Speaking of sex-related injuries, apparently telling the doctor, “it was a million to one shot, doc, million to one,” when it comes to them isn’t the weirdest excuse people have given to medical professionals.

At least according to the docs and other medical people over at “Ask Reddit” who answered the question, “Medical professionals – what is the most overtly self-inflicted sexual injury you’ve encountered, that your patient attempted to pass off as completely innocently obtained?”

Here are some of the “best” excuses people reportedly gave for something ending up not quite where it should have been…

I worked as an orderly in the local ER as a university student and a man came in with a vacuum cleaner hose stuck on his penis.

He arrived wearing a sweater, shoes and a blanket and insisted that he had been instructed to clean his house while nude because of his dust allergy.

While vacuuming, the man had become (his words), “inexplicably fatigued” and took an impromptu nap with the Hoover still running. At this time, his penis must have flopped into the vacuum hose. His his arousal was, he insisted, involuntary.

The hose was finally cut off with a surgical rotary saw. ~ sinisterdan

Woman comes into the ER with a butt plug with a tail sticking out. She initially said that she was dressing up for a kid’s birthday party and that her costume was stuck and she couldn’t take it off.

I wanted to ask well how old was the kid but I didn’t want to embarrass her even more. ~ itsfoine

My aunt is a doctor (and usually pretty strict about her vow of silence) and one day this old guy showed up with a carrot stuck in his asshole. It’s obviously awkward so my aunt decided not to ask too many questions. But the dude was constantly like ‘how did this happen?’ and I SWEAR TO GOD (well, my aunt does) that the guy kept asking if it might’ve been because he’d eaten carrot soup two days before. ~ Alliki

Dude #1 says he “accidentally sat on an inflated balloon” and it went up his ass. Tried to pop it with bamboo skewers. Perforated his sigmoid several times and wound up with a whopping abdominal infection.

Dude #2 liked to stick the inside of a Bic pen down the wang and jack it. Ended up losing it and it migrated to the bladder. Claimed he was trying to clear an obstruction because he couldn’t pee. Saw him two different times for this. ~ bodhisattva_of_pr0n

Teenager comes in complaining that he can’t pee. I take him to an examination room and ask him to drop his pants, and to my utter surprise i see 2 iphone ear buds sticking out of his penis! His story was that he was sleeping naked while listening to music and his ear buds must have fallen out, and while he was tossing and turning, they naturally worked their way into his penis.

Anyway he ended up needing surgery because they’d knotted and we were unable to remove them with the cystoscope. ~ toneyoth

There was a guy who had a jar of peanut butter stuck in his ass. Around his anus was a mess of caked-on peanut butter and dried blood. I believe surgery ended up having to be consulted. He just said, “it just kind of happened.” ~ kyrama


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