This Winter, You’re Going To Watch A Lot Of Porn. Let’s Talk About It.

by 3 years ago  •  3 Comments
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Temperatures have officially dipped to “nah, yo” levels and, frankly, we’re running out of reasons to go outside.  Unless you’re a devilish mix of horny, single, and determined, the bar is pretty much out of the question. Cuffing Season has long passed and when you factor in Netflix, video games, and store-bought booze, you may not experience natural light until Memorial Day. Oh, I almost forgot, you’re going to be watching a TON of porn over the next few months, too.

Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s going to get weird. You’re probably going to lose some respect for yourself and, at times, become eerily self-righteous during refractory periods. Once the dust settles and you’ve questioned all of your morals, don’t be mad that it happened, just appreciate that you were a part of it.

We’ve come a long way from slow-loading pictures and 15-second snippets. Now, we have easy access to any type of video that we desire–I’m pretty sure we know more about the ocean than internet porn at this point.  And let’s be honest, as soon as you open up that incognito window in Google Chrome, you become a nasty, wildly descriptive motherfucker.

Here’s what your favorite porn category says about you:

Amateur

You are a realist and a pragmatist. Plot lines, fancy introductions, lighting, and properly stabilized cameras aren’t for you. You prefer crude rap, techno, or no sound at all to play in the background, with the occasional pause for webcam typing of course.

Most importantly, you ARE this guy in the video. You see his average-sized dick, sub-par stamina, and mildly attractive girl and see yourself out there. Plus, if you play your cards right and get lucky enough, you may find a video with that hot, slutty chick that you went to college with. Cough ::Girls Do Porn:: Cough.

POV

Probably the “creepiest” type of porn there is, but lucky for you, this is a judgement-free zone. Sometimes you need to be right up in the action and live vicariously through another dick. You’re just going to have to deal with seeing a lot of up-close shots of balls flapping in the wind.

I also have to assume that you’re dexterous as hell. Takes a lot of hand-eye to simultaneously juggle a camera and go HAM on a vagina like that.

Lesbian

You hate dicks. Can’t stand them. The only dick in this world that you respect is yours and yours alone. Maybe you’re not quite sure how a lesbian porn starts or ends, but that’s besides the point because the only dick invited to this party is yours.

But seriously, lesbian porns kind of just…stop.  No rhyme or reason.  Also, does scissoring actually work?  Too many questions, too few answers.

Interracial

It’s a well-known fact that porn is wild racist.  Probably the most racist medium that I’m completely and thoroughly cool with. If my dick is in an advantageous position, you can toss around almost any word that you want. Sure, maybe no one has legitimately used the word “Ebony” to describe a black person since 1964, but in porn we’re just going to rock with it for the time being.

You love interracial porn because, hey, you’re progressive and “sex is sex,” or you are a black dude that is finally fed up and tired of looking at pink dicks. Either or really.

Cumpilations

Recently spoke to one of my friends and he told me, with a straight face, that he learned the meaning of the word “compilations” strictly because of porn. While that is sad as FUCK, it speaks to the rise of the cumpilation.  Personally not my cup of tea, but some of y’all like them. A lot.

Call me old-fashioned, but I never really wanted to “supersoak dat hoe” at any point in my life.  I mean, sometimes logistics called for it to happen, but it was never the end goal. For some people it is, apparently. If you like playing that carnival game where you shoot water into the clowns mouth to pop a balloon, you’ll probably like these.

Listen, bros.  The more “Polar Vortex” talk there is, the more porn you’re going to watch. No use denying it or fighting it. Also, by the end of April, your mind is going to be a little fucked up. Porn will have you thinking that every situation is going to turn into sex. You may or may not leave a comment (or you watched a porn so good that you check the comments to see if other people agree with you) on a porn site. And you’ll also find that you’ve never searched harder for anything in your life than when you’re researching videos of a porn star you like.

It’s going to be a long, magical, and slightly depressing road. Embrace it and prepare to misguidedly use all of your new “tricks” on all of the girls you’ll meet when it gets warm outside. Godspeed.


TAGSAdult filmsWinter

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