The World Is Ending: Which 10 People Do You Save?
Reggie Noble: If the world ends, there will be no time for space stations and flying around. We’re all going underground, like moles, to wait out the hell. We’ll emerge to sh*t that will shock the conscience and make suicide seem like the only way out. CAN’T WAIT. Here’s who I would want around.
1. A world-class chef: Hey, a Bro has got to eat. A post-Apocalyptic world is, by definition, a pretty miserable place to exist. I’m going to need lemon-thyme braised oxtails to get me through the day.
2. A pornstar: I’m going to need something to stick my dick into for recreational purposes.
3. A good Christian girl: Also going to need someone to be vulnerable with and create future nomadic Nobles to wander the earth in search for meaning.
4. A stand-up comic: Currently, there’s a lot of pressure to be the funniest guy in the room. That’s one conquest that certainly won’t be as important to me once this planet lies in a smoldering mess of nuclear waste. The plan is to treat this guy like a court jester. ENTERTAIN ME! I saved your miserable ass.
5. MacGuyver: Going to need this guy. We’ll be rebuilding the world with shards of glass and discarded Panda Express Styrofoam boxes and I’m all thumbs. Left to my own devices, I’d die within the first 15 minutes.
6. A big, fat, annoying slob: Say there are wild animals roaming the streets eating anything they can find. Think I’m going to be the tastiest piece of human meat parading around? Think again, f*cker. No one’s going to miss this human stain. Plus, when things seem bad, we can all bond together in the knowledge that we could have been torn to bits by lions like Old Ate All The Trail Mix.
7. Tony Reali: Just seems like a cool dude. Still going to want to talk about sports.
8. John McCain: In the beginning, it’s going to be imperative that we are organized. McCain’s been through some tough sh*t and know how to run things. But his time is also limited. We’re all going to get sick of his decision-making. I’ll bide my time, make crude decisions that put me in line to succeed him when he inevitably passes away.
9. Ray Kurzweil: Are you familiar with singularity? Basically it says that eventually we’re all exist in a technological world and our bodies will be extraneous. I’ve come too damn far to miss out on that bold frontier. Plus, it would be great to have a natural storyteller around. Probably going to be a lot of bonfires.
10. Betty White: Sadly, I don’t have any living grandmothers. It would be nice to have an old broad around to tell me stories about the good-old days and bake me peanut butter cookies. I’m a simple man.
Andy Moore: As I do every week, I’m making a couple of presumptions before I get going. First, I’m not naming any hot women, because I’d like to skip the indisputably creepy “Oh, yeah, totally gonna bring these chicks and re-populate a new Earth!” thing. “Dr. Strangelove” already went there, and went there better than me. Let’s just assume there are ways to make the repopulation purposes happen.
I’m also presuming that NASA has built a spaceship for us to fly to a new planet to live on. Your mole person fantasy sucks, Reggie.
Without further ado, my 10 peepz:
1. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Astrophysicist: He seems to be a quality guy to hang out with (based on Reddit AMAs, mostly), and as a trained astrophysicist he’d be an indispensable navigator for our interstellar journey. He'll be a big fan of me, too: After bringing him on board, I'd make sure anyone who tries to make him do the meme face is mercilessly killed in the apocalypse.
2. Christopher Ferguson, Astronaut: Ferguson was the commander of the STS 129, the U.S.’s last space shuttle mission. I know absolutely nothing about him other than said commandership of the STS 129, but someone has to fly us off Earth. Let’s just hope he isn’t known as the smelly kid of NASA or anything.
3. Angela Merkel, German President: Germany seems to have its sh*t together—its economy is one of the strongest in the world, it hasn’t committed any egregious human rights violations lately, and it shows no signs of launching that always-possible world domination scheme. (I laugh, but I still fear the Germans.) Merkel’s as solid a choice as anyone to lead our new world nation.
4. Terry Crews, Actor/Badass: On the off-chance we meet any sort of alien race, Crews is our muscle. He benches, like, 500 pounds. He can take down E.T. in hand-to-hand combat. Another reason Terry gets a nod: The guy is killing the Old Spice campaign. If this NASA ship needs any corporate capital to get off the ground, Crews has the marketing juice locked up.
5. Anthony Bourdain, Chef: He’ll handle the culinary needs of the hungry ship, magically turning freeze-dried bananas and Astronaut meatloaf into reasonable facsimiles of creme brulee and foie gras. Also, after watching roughly 238 episodes of “No Reservations,” I’m confident in his ability to smuggle liquor onto the ship and convert precious fuel into bourbon if need be. We’re not making this trip into the dark recesses of space sober.
6. A Doctor: Really anyone who got his degree from a decent school would be fine, just in case someone sprains a wrist or is body-slammed by Crews. I don’t think we’re going to deal with many serious contagious diseases in a sterile environment. (Note: This is probably not how diseases are spread.)
7. “Helf,” My friend: Solid guy. Won’t make any waves on the ship.
8. Jacob Barnett, Kid Genius: A 13-year-old who, based on this kind of trustworthy website, has one of the highest measured IQs ever. He can be our Will Hunting—and think of what he can do after he hits puberty!
9. KA Applegate, Writer: Esteemed author of the “Animorphs” series. Also wrote another series called “Remnants,” about a post-apocalyptic spacecraft, that I read when I was 11 or 12. She has experience in writing about this kind of scenario—I have faith in her ability to accurately chronicle our adventures. Plus, I think it would be funny to have the person who wrote “Animorphs” on board as the new civilization’s representative of great literature.
10. Raymond Kurzweil, Futurist: A scientist who’s shown a remarkable ability to predict technologies before they were invented. He'll let us know where to go with the new society. (Sidenote: I promise we did not look at each other's lists before this exercise. We're both just strange people.)
Alright, guys, who's in your 10?