If you’ve never bartended before and are ever offered the opportunity to guest bartend you should take it immediately. Working from behind the bar you get to see just how much drunken mayhem unfolds every night, with customers slowly slipping into madness with every pour. Below, a bunch of bartenders shared the most WTF and awkward interactions between customers that they’ve ever witnessed. Some of these are moderately NSFW, but it’s just stories/words and I think you bros can handle it (via AskReddit):
scippi6:
I was bartending and had this couple that were sort of regulars. She would order more buttery nipples than anyone should ever order… Ever…
After her 8th buttery nipple, she called me over and asked with her increasingly slurring speech she asks me “hey. D’youwanna know why I always zrink buttery nipples?” and then flashed me her boobies for an extended moment right next to her boyfriend. He was not so happy with her, but it didn’t ruin their night… So that was cool.
yupynut:
I got tons of these. I’ve worked bartending for bars as well as weddings, and other receptions.
(1)drunk bride running from groom to kiss another guest, check.
(2)drunk guy trying to be funny to a (very) sexy girl on the dancefloor and eventually throwing all over her and the dancefloor, check.
(3)young guy (barely 18) passed out on a table being fondled by an old regular lady, he wakes up, they make out, he takes off his pants and bring her to the dancefloor. check
(i’m gonna stop writing ‘drunk’ now because everyone in the stories were far beyond just being tipsy)
(4)Girl publicly dumps boyfriend and leaves with another guest, boyfriend ends up chugging shot after shot and finally leaves with a regular dude after exchanging a lot of saliva with him… check
(5)Old guy trying to act young ends up taking his dick out on the dancefloor screaming to a girl to “shake her ass on it like them blacks chicks do all the time” check!
(6)girl doing a handjob to a guy under the bar and putting his jizz in a shot of goldschlager, (the one with the gold flakes you know) and proceed to hit it in style but end up falling off her stool and pass out with jizz and goldflakes all over her dress. check!
This sounds like just the beginning to a greally great story.
zztop225:
At an anime convention in Chicago. A girl cosplaying some character is sitting down taking a break. Fat scruffy guy walks up and sits down next to her. He asks her is she has any std’s. She says no and they both get up and leave together.
FierceMundy:
I witnessed some aggresive finger banging in a Berlin bar.
Edit: More Detail. She was an American girl who had already mineswept a bunch of nasty shots we had won and then proceeded to tell us in explicit detail how she had been fingered in the ass at Oktoberfest recently so we already viewed her with a mix of shock/disgust/admiration. We could see she was bouncing from group of guys to group of guys very drunk, then next thing I know my friend lets out a ‘HA!’ I look over my shoulder and there it is, she’s hanging off this guy like a sloth on ecstacy, pink thong flying all over the place… It was an eventful holiday.
reirarei:
At a crossfit Christmas party being held at a local sports bar known for douchey patrons, I got to witness a spectacularly drunk crossfitter hit on my friend at time with the amazing pickup line of “SOOOO lemme tell you about my workout”, followed by full on flex-grunting (to show his “guns”), and lifting his shirt to show her his flabby stomach, while asking her if she wanted to feel his abs. She immediately latched on to one of the equally douchey but more ripped party goers. Flex-Boy didn’t notice that she’d left and kept staring at his “abs” while telling my no longer there friend about his “workout” before he looked up and noticed that she was gone.
Dude was a bad gym meme come to life.
DarrenEdwards:
I saw a guy walk up to a girl, she slapped him. He immediately repeated the same thing to her friend, got slapped. He went down the line and girls turned away, slapped him, or threw a drink in his face. No pause from one girl to the next. After a dozen, he got bounced. I never found out what was asked, and so I can only appreciate his tenacity. Somewhere there is a princess out there that will choke this guy while shitting on his chest on camera and he is gonna find her. Drink are almost never actually thrown in a bar, but this got at least one.
mostbeautifulplague:
I once bartended at a club for a college function, uppity rich kids mostly. I had a couple parked at the end of my bar, both fresh 21. I don’t think they were actually a couple to start, they came separately and spent the first hour or so in awkward small talk. Then out of no where they started sucking face, really strangely like they’d never done it before, with both of their asses still on the stools leaning over really really far to get to each other. It was weird to watch. It was still better than when they decided to make out on top of the bar though, which of course was short lived because NO and PLEASE STOP.
I thought it would end there, but after almost another hour of on-again-off-again making out and of course, more tequila shots, the girl randomly starts SOBBING. I thought they were fighting, but then the kid takes her face in his hands and starts bumping his forehead against hers??? As if it was going to comfort her?? And then HE STARTS SOBBING. I didn’t get to see how it ended but they were gone by last call, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Rail tequila. Not even once.
PseudoEnvy:
I cocktail bartend in a very wealthy part of Brisbane and I had a guy walk up to a chick, pulls ~$500 from his wallet grabs her arse and offers the cash to her to have sex with him in the bathrooms. She slapped him in the face and threw the drink I had just passed her at him. He is shocked for some reason, stalks off in a huff, about an hour later security throws them out for snorting coke and fucking in the bathrooms.
Not_Irish:
I was a pretty new bartender at a Bar Louie in a nice, suburban area. This girl who had a curvy but extremely sexy pin-up kinda vibe going (tats, pale skin, red lipstick, etc.) was getting hit on by this overweight dude who worked at a local cell phone store and looked the part. He was over compensating hard, trying to be a big shot. He buys a round of vegas bombs for the group they are with, like 6 or 7 shots total. Not cheap shots. The tab for the round like over $70, he puts it on his card, and tips like a dollar. Not cool.
Fast forward 5 minutes, the bar staff (who already wasn’t a big fan of this dude) really doesn’t like him now, yet his douche is still doing okay with this hot girl. In conversation with her, tipping comes up, and she asks how he tipped us. I told her the truth. A look just short of pure hatred erupts in her eyes. Turns out she’s a server.
She stands up, pays for the drinks this guy was going to buy for her, and points across the U-shaped bar to a handsome guy, and says, “and I’d like to buy him a drink.” Walks over, sits next to him, in plain view of the guy who was hitting on her before, flirts with him for an hour, and leaves with him. The butthurt on verizon douches face was so satisfying.
Handsome guy was back in the bar a few weeks later, I asked him how it went. He said she ended up being batshit crazy, but I didn’t care. That night, she was my hero.
Formaldehyd3:
Old drunk guy not catching on that the hot young girl talking to him was a prostitute… And the prostitute not realizing that he doesn’t know, and actually thinks she’s interested in him.
Meanwhile the whole situation is clear as day to me and other patrons around them, but these two are just fumbling through the conversation, completely unaware that they’re both misunderstanding each other. Pretty sad, but hilarious.
Stuntman_Ron:
My roommates a bartender not me, but one night while I was at the bar he works at we watched this kid that just turned 21 get way to drunk and start making out with this lady that had to be in her late 50s early 60s. She was rough looking, like she looked like she’d been picking up dudes at the bar since she was 21 and never stopped. The kid ended up leaving with her and me and my roommate just laughed about how he was gonna regret it in the morning.
Last, but not least…
GaryGronk:
I worked as a bartender when I was younger. I loved it but, man, it puts you off booze. And you see some seriously nasty stuff like fights and people vomitting in potted plants and the like. Also another person who, on a weekly basis, used to shit into a beer glass and put it in a toilet and then flushed the toilet until it broke and the staff had to then clean everything up. That despicable cunt was never caught, but I digress.
Anyway, one night/morning a pudgy middle-aged man was in the club and he was pretty much on the hunt for some poon-tang. He was nice enough at the start of the night but as he got drunker, he became belligerent and started hurling insults at staff who wouldn’t serve him quick enough, yelling “don’t you know who I am?” I had no idea who he was but he looked like the kind of guy who’d die of a cocaine-induced heart attack in an alley shortly after throat-fucking a transsexual prostitute called Tracey. At about 2am, he was at the bar flirting super hard with a girl half his age. Throwing money around and buying her expensive drinks. She was all over him, hands down his pants etc. Licking his ear and letting him feel her up. He then asked for a bunch of shots so I lined them up in front of his sweaty, gargantuan face. He then said “Go on, light ‘em up, mate!” I refused because, you know, fire etc. He got angrier and angrier until I thought he’d pop a valve right then and there so I said “Look, I’m going to turn my back and if you light them up and I don’t see it, then that’s okay…” He grinned and pulled a lighter out of his back pocket so I turned around.
Luckily for me, we had mirrors at the back of the bar so I saw the whole thing. He lit the first shot, kissed his lecherous trophy-lady on the cheek and said “Up ya bum!” and slammed the whole shot down, flames and all. Of course, that’s what was supposed to happen. What actually occurred was a large, flaming shot being poured onto his face and the ample bosom of the drunk harpy standing next to him. VOOMP! It all happened in slow motion. Blue flames licked his face and hair and the girl’s tits. The busboy standing next to me had a bucket of water (I had hoped he’d just cleaned the toilets but alas, no…) and he tipped it over both of them. The flames went out and there was silence for a good couple of seconds. Then he looked at his shirt and screamed “ya ruined me best shirt, ya cunt…” and launched over the bar at the busboy. A scuffle ensued during which I noticed his face swelling and generally pulsating like a slightly rotten tomato. The bouncers carried him out and we took the girl into a back room so she could put some ice on her boobs. He lurked outside for a while, apparently waiting for his new found lover. We told him to go to hospital but he gave us the finger and told us to mind our own business. Uh, okay.
So I’d say that the single most awkward thing I’ve witnessed in a bar is this couple rolls into the bar, looking as Bridge & Tunnel as it gets, and hover at the corner of the bar forever before ordering a drink. Eventually, the dude gets up the courage to ask me if I want to go upstairs (there’s a hotel next door) and ‘spread eagle’ his girlfriend. When I politely decline because I’m busy as fuck he then becomes hostile and wants to fight, thinking it’s an affront against his girlfriend. I just walk away, leave it, realize that I’m dealing with crazy here. Flash forward to an hour later and the same dude’s been going around propositioning others at the bar and chose the wrong person, dude gets cold cocked in the face when he gets hostile with the wrong person….Weird times.
For more of these stories you can click on over to the AskReddit thread!