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You smell that in the air? Nope, it’s not rotting flesh; it’s football! Just kidding, you can’t smell football, unless you’re Daredevil and have enhanced senses, in which case you’re blind and don’t care about sports because you’re blind.
If you’re a real man, like me, you don’t just watch football on the TV, you make a superteam of players on a computer and then follow them and root for your pretend team and get way too into it and alienate everyone you’ve ever loved.
Lest anyone think otherwise, the most important thing about fantasy football is winning the league… Not just because you want to get all the monies, but also because you want all your friends to see how manly and not-gay you are. For the love of your heterosexuality, it’s imperative that you make it to the playoffs with your imaginary superteam of sports players.
I have made it to the playoffs for the last three years because of my stellar drafting, and as a result of my continued dominance, I have been crushing pussy on the reg. If you want to live the life that I am currently living (dominating top shelf pussy, eating tons of BBQ ribs, stunting hard on haters, keeping it real, etc) then I implore you to follow my 10 Super Cool Insider Tips For Draft A Good Pretend Football Team To Make Great Results.
1. Don’t Draft Players Who Are Injured, Suspended, or In Prison: Everyone comes into the draft with their own strategy, but for me, it’s all about doing your research and knowing what went down during the offseason. Two years ago, I was caught slipping, and I ended up drafting Eric LeGrand, only to find out that he was, in fact, paralyzed from the neck down. Those are the types of small mistakes that could be the difference between a first and last place finish. Come in prepared!
2. Get Blackout Drunk: During the draft, most people are very focused, and it’s your job to sabotage that focus. In this post-9/11 economy, people take the draft too seriously, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Pregame the draft with liquor booze… heavily. Become uncomfortably confrontational with other teams. Trash the venue. Cry and threaten to self-harm. Derail the draft entirely. Make people worry about your mental health. While everyone’s busy being like “should we call an ambulance,” they’ll be too distracted to see that you had your settings on autodraft and now have a sick team!
3. Pick An Offensive Team Name: The trend of picking a name having to do with a player’s name, such as Turn Down For Watt, or Kibbles N’ Vick, is played out as much as saying “that awkward moment” or “should I use a condom.” Just go straight for the jugular to let the league know that you’re not fucking around this year. Start by finding out something personal about every person in the league – deaths in the family, marital infidelity, people their sister beat off – and make your team name revolve around that thing. Change your name every week so you roast every team at least once. Don’t even bother trying to be clever, just throw that shit out there and nuke them with your raw truth. Example – Greg Barrow’s Mother Is Addicted To OxyContin. It’ll rattle your competitors to their core.
4. Take A Shit On Everyone’s Laptops: This is tough to pull off but very effective. Right before the draft starts, yell, “hey, there’s a famous sports man outside.” Everyone will be like “whoaaaa” and go try to look at the sports man, but while they’re out of the room, you take out a bag that you shit in the night before, and you smear shit all over everyone’s keyboards. When they come back, they’ll be like “there was no sports man outside and now there’s shit all over my keyboard.” And you’ll be like “I just drafted Aaron Rodgers.”
5. Pick One Gag And Stick With It: Too many people try to be “the funny guy” at the draft. Cracking everyone up with their “zingers,” and “burns,” and “asides.” But that ain’t gonna help them win the draft. Stick with one joke and beat that shit into the ground until everyone is so annoyed with you that they can’t even concentrate on their research. Last year, my bit was that every time someone announced who they drafted, I would yell “not a bad pick for a dirty Jew, ya Jew.” The joke here is kinda a meta joke because I’m a Jew, so it’s really meant to be sorta a commentary about how beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
6. Blackmail People Into Trades: While it might not be feasible to draft the perfect team, you can fill any holes in your team via effective trading. Blackmail trading is an essential weapon in my draft day tool kit. Find a way to exploit someone’s vulnerable spot. For example, if someone in the league has a newborn baby, text him a veiled threat such as “Bet you love the fact that your baby is alive, huh? If you want it to stay that way, whattya say we go Gronk for Brent Celek?” I know what you’re saying, “that’s not blackmail, that’s just a straight up threat. That’s a crime.” That is true, but we’re living in Obama’s America now, so anything goes.
7. Don’t Draft Any White Guys: Unless the sport is hockey, you don’t want any white people on your team. It’s not about talent, or lack thereof; it’s about the fact that you will look like a virulent racist. A league that is 90% minorities, and you haaaaaaaave to stick with the white guys? Keep your toxic racism to Youtube comments where they belong.
8. Draft Only The Best Players: Defense may be the best offense, but in fantasy football, a best offense is a great offense with a lot of offensive players who make lotsa offensive touchdowns and catch the ball a lot. If you were planning on picking some players who don’t put up a lot of touchdowns, don’t do that. Pick only the top ten players in the league if possible. You’ll thank me later.
9. Pay Your League Dues Using A Bad Check: This is what’s known in the business as an “insurance policy.” Let’s say that you follow my rules, but for whatever reason, the chips don’t fall in your favor. Fantastical sports is a fickle slut whore. But if you’re faced with the humiliation of not making the playoffs, surely you don’t also want to have to lose the money you paid to be in the league. You can avoid facing that dilemma by cutting bad checks. By the time the commissioner realizes the check you submitted bounced, you’ll be halfway to Nicaragua, content to never talk to any of your friends ever again.
10. Have Fun: Hey guys, it’s a fantasy draft, not the Vietnam draft! Let’s all remember that we’re supposed to be collecting laughs and memories, not the severed ears of Vietcong soldiers! Keep all of that in perspective, and you’ll be having lots of PTSD – Post Touchdown Selebration Dances!