USA Today
Since football doesn’t start for another two months and I don’t acknowledge baseball as an actual thing, the NBA offseason has become another sport for me. For the layman, the NBA offseason is a period of time where every fanbase experiences irrational waves of emotion and convinces themselves that a month’s worth of transactions and draft picks will take their teams out of the gutter. Hint: they probably won’t.
Let’s be honest – if you don’t root for the Cavs, Warriors, Spurs, or Thunder (James Harden is allegedly dating Khloe Kardashian now, so the Rockets were respectfully not included), next year can best be described as “watching for fun.” Look, I’m a Knicks fan. I know pain and suffering as much as anyone, but let’s appease ourselves here and rate each teams offseason the only way I know how – was it “fire” or was it “trash”?
Atlanta Hawks
Big Moves: I mean, um, I guess they resigned Paul Millsap, but they also lost DeMarre Carroll to the Raptors, Pero Antic to the NYPD, and traded their 1st round pick (who later became Jerian Grant) to the Knicks for Tim Hardaway Jr., who I personally hate for hitting game-winning shots he shouldn’t have been hitting.
Offseason Rating: 🚮🚮🚮🚮🚮
Tim Hardaway Jr. is the worst, man.
Boston Celtics
Big Moves: The Celtics drafted a ton of dudes that 90% of the fans hated (Terry Rozier, RJ Hunter, Jordan Mickey, and Marcus Thornton), resigned Jae Crowder, Jonas Jerebko, and Amir Johnson, and lost Brandon Bass.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🚮
Meh meh meh meh meh.
Brooklyn Nets
Big Moves: “Brook Lopez is back” – a banner that was likely made, but ultimately tossed into the trash somewhere in the Barclays Center. Other than that, they got Steve Blake? Some good news, though – rich ass Joe Johnson is (most likely) going to be off the books very soon.
Offseason Rating: 🚮🚮🚮
Sometimes I genuinely forget that the Nets exist. So that’s probably not good.
Charlotte Hornets:
Big Moves:
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Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥
MJ allegedly declined a few godfather trade offers from a variety of teams in order to draft da GAWD, Frank the Tank. He also made shrewd acquisitions and released necessary deadweight. Dare I say, has MJ figured this whole ownership thing out?
Chicago Bulls
Big Moves: They resigned Jimmy Butler. Good job.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥🔥
They essentially had one job and got it done. Plus Bobby Portis looks like Plaxico Burress and, for some reason, that’s funny as hell.
Cleveland Cavaliers
Big Moves: #RelationshipGoals: Spend as much money as possible, resign everyone, sign everyone, emasculate David Blatt any chance you get, bleed Dan Gilbert dry by making him spend an absurd amount on the luxury tax, and ensure LeBron James’ continued happiness
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
I don’t even feel right rating them this high, since this is like an offseason on performance enhancing drugs, but the rules are the rules.
Dallas Mavericks
Big Moves: They signed DeAndre Jordan and Wesley Matthews’ Achilles, but, most importantly, they signed a big random Indian dude that may not know how to play basketball. Mark Cuban playing international relations chess while the rest of the league is still scouting China.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
They snagged two of the most coveted free agents, so you have to call that a success. Toss in random Bollywood dances and suddenly shit might be very lit in the Dallas locker room this upcoming season.
Denver Nuggets
Big Moves: Drafted Emmanuel Mudiay, a polarizing player from China, into one of the most toxic NBA environments from last season. Ty Lawson is likely gone. Ew.
Offseason Rating: 🚮🚮
Denver has weed gummy bears, though.
Detroit Pistons
Big Moves: Get Stanley Johnson, lose Greg Monroe. From the looks of it, the Pistons had a pretty solid offseason, but then you see “OHMYGOD THEY PAID REGGIE JACKSON HOW MUCH?!” and start to think twice.
Offseason Rating: 🔥
I think Stan Van Gundy has something up his sleeve. Cautiously optimistic.
Golden State Warriors
Big Moves: Resigned Draymond Green. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
They did what they had to do to keep this drunk bastard on the court. Intelligent move from a well-ran organization.
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Houston Rockets
Big Moves: Khole. Kardashian.
Offseason Rating: 🚮🚮🚮🚮🚮🚮
Oh no. Oh god no.
Indiana Pacers
Big Moves: Love Myles Turner because NBA media convinced me to love Myles Turner via two minute YouTube highlights. Plus Monta Ellis gives Paul George that trusty second fiddle he’s always needed. RIP Roy Hibbert.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Never fear, Roy Hibbert will live forever in Parks & Rec. syndication.
LA Clippers
Big Moves: Everybody left, old ass Paul Pierce wheelchair’d his way into the handicap accessible entrance, and Lance Stephenson is coming to fuck shit up. Oh yeah, we found out DeAndre Jordan hated Chris Paul. I think everyone hates Chris Paul.
Offseason Rating: 🚮🚮🚮🚮🚮
Got to taste the Finals only to have life come at them fast in the offseason and rip everything away. Cold world.
LA Lakers
Big Moves: Kobe came to some free agency meetings to ultimately scare free agents away from LA and they drafted D’Angelo Russell. Some bad, some good, some LOU WILLIAMS AND SWAGGY P ON THE COURT AT THE SAME TIME WITH KOBE BRYANT.
Offseason Rating: 🚮🚮🚮🚮🚮
League Pass alert for all the wrong reasons. We may see Kobe Bryant die on the basketball court for a variety of reasons! Tune in!
Memphis Grizzlies
Big Moves: Marc Gasol’s staying and the BBQ is allegedly still good. Other than that, nothing happened.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🚮
Such a Memphis offseason. Seriously, nothing happened.
Miami Heat
Big Moves: Justise Winslow is awesome. Dwyane Wade is coming back to play 48 games next season, and Goran Dragic’s brother Zoran is having an awesome time spending Goran’s money.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥
Zoran Dragic is so god damn lucky, man.
Milwaukee Bucks
Big Moves: Re-upped Kris Middleton, signed well-known offensively skilled stump, Greg Monroe, changed their logo, and Jason Kidd is probably going to own the team by time this posts.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥🔥
In the event that Jason Kidd is a madman, I rescind my four flames and replace them with trash. This, my friends, is how to hedge strong opinions.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Big Moves: FLIP SAUNDERS DIDN’T FUCK THIS UP!
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Should we draft Karl Anthony Towns? = Should I watch porn with the house to myself all day?
New Orleans Pelicans
Big Moves: Anthony Davis is so god damn rich. Like, he might rip up $20 bills and toss them in his omelets just because he can at this point
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥
They paid the man and now he can buy a diamond-encrusted toilet. The American Dream.
New York Knicks
Big Moves: Kristaps Porzingis is a 7-foot Latvian dude that is the new “next Dirk,” so we’ll see how long that takes to fall apart. But hey, Phil Jackson got us Aaron Afflalo, Robin Lopez, and the corpse of Derrick Williams, so I’m pretty sure that equals a championship.
Offseason Rating: 🔥
But seriously, Phil actually put viable NBA quality basketball players on the court this year. NYC is throwing a parade for win #18.
OKC Thunder
Big Moves: Scott Brooks gone, Kevin Durant back, and Russell Westbrook hell-bent on being the worst-dressed/greatest basketball player ever. Kyle Singler is also making $5 million dollars a year, so go outside and take some jump shots because you might just be a phone call away.
Offseason Rating: 🚮
A lot of unknowns right now. OKC just needs to pray people stay healthy.
Orlando Magic
Big Moves: Mario Hezonja is my favorite player of the last 10 drafts and will likely be the off-the-court MVP this season. JR Smith needs to keep one eye on his Bottle GAWD trophy. Mario’s coming.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥
Mario Hezonja is going to have sex with Kendall Jenner. Book it.
Philadelphia 76ers
Big Moves: HINNNKIIEEEEEEEEEEE. As usual, I don’t really know what happened. They have Jahlil Okafor and fleeced the Kings for plenty of valuable assets without really giving up much. Keep taking those finance classes, bros, and one day this could be you.
Offseason Rating: 🔥🔥🔥
Trust. The. Process.
Phoenix Suns
Big Moves: They tried to get LaMarcus Aldridge, but all they came away with was this large banner. Sad.
Phoenix Suns
Offseason Rating: 🚮 🚮
Portland Trailblazers
Big Moves: L L L Damian Lillard L L L
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Offseason Rating: 🚮 🚮 🚮 🚮
Everybody left! All that is left is rubble and brimstone. All that means is: Damian Lillard 2015-2016 Scoring Champ.
Sacramento Kings
Big Moves: They drafted a guy that legally changed his name to “Trill,” brought on malcontent trash guard, Rajon Rondo, and got robbed by Sam Hinkie. Jesus.
Offseason Rating: 🚮 🚮 🚮 🚮 🚮 🚮 🚮 🚮 🚮
If they traded DeMarcus Cousins, this would have been a Stage 5 dumpster fire. We’ve never had a Stage 5 before.
San Antonio Spurs
Big Moves: They resigned everyone, signed the top free agent (LaMarcus Aldridge), and convinced Tim Duncan not to retire. The Spurs are perfect and beautiful in every possible way.
Offseason Rating: The Sun
They’re probs gonna win the championship.
Toronto Raptors
Big Moves: DeMarre Carroll is pretty solid, I guess. I bet he felt pretty good applying “riding through the six with my woes!” to an actual real-life situation.
Offseason Rating: 🚮 🚮 🚮 🚮
Why is that Drake Sprite commercial a thing?
Utah Jazz
Big Moves: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They literally slept through the offseason.
Offseason Rating: 🚮 🚮 🚮 🚮
The Jazz aren’t good enough for this chicanery (or lack thereof).
Washington Wizards
Big Moves: Paul Pierce is gone and Colin Cowherd still hasn’t apologized for disparaging John Wall for no reason. Not a great summer.
Offseason Rating: 🚮 🚮 🚮
The Wiz are one player away from losing to LeBron in 6 in the Conference Finals.