Cowboys Linebacker Watched Too Much ‘Ballers’ Last Week, Injured Himself Paintballing

by 1 year ago

Spoiler alert for the most recent episode of Ballers. Personally, I think the show is pretty goddamn stupid. It’s just Entourage with the Rock and football players. There are also literally less than no dramatic stakes. Every episode follows the exact same format. Someone tells one of the Rock’s clients no. The Rock speaks with said someone. His client gets what they originally desired. They go out partying. But I still watch it, every week. Mostly because of the Rock’s infinite watchability. And, if you watched the most recent episode, you’ll remember that Vernon what’s-his-name hurt his leg while paintballing. He’ll probably be fine and make all kinds of money, but his “injury” mirrors what Dallas Cowboy’s Damien Lewis did to himself, namely getting shot in the eye with a paintball gun.

Via Fox Sports:

Dallas Cowboys backup linebacker Damien Wilson is starting training camp on the physically unable to perform list because he was shot in the eye with a paintball.

Jerry Jones revealed the news in his press conference Friday.

“We have a player that was hit in the eye by a paintball that won’t be here for 2-3 weeks,” he said.

Given the Cowboys’ messy, suspension-filled situation on defense, it should come as no surprise that they lost another defender to something peculiar — even if it is just for a few weeks.”

Honestly, the entire Dallas Cowboys organization should just cover themselves in bubble wrap during the off-season. These guys are more prone to injury than the guy from Spongebob who had skin made out of paper and bones made of glass. Why aren’t you wearing protective eyewear while playing paintball? In fact, why are you playing paintball when you’re worth that much money? It’s literally simulated warfare. Sure, professional football players are the closest thing we’ll ever get to three refrigerators gorilla glued together that can also achieve conscious thought, but the eye is without a doubt the weakest point. It’s like a Cyclops. Those things are built like a brick shit house, but they also have a massive target right in the middle of their face. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard anyone confirm that Lewis isn’t a cyclops. In fact, here’s what I’m now picturing happened to him.

No word yet on why no one else has noticed this before me, but stay tuned.


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