Ex Kobe Bryant Fanboy Tells Glorious Story About Meeting Him And Why He’s Sworn Him Off Forever

Kobe Bryant is a dick. Let’s not lose sight of that just because he’s made us all lick his balls the past six months. Christ, you’d think we were sending the dude into orbit with the season-long pageantry he’s so gracefully relished in as his team has had one of the worst seasons in recent memory.

Regardless, as we’ve all been playing this blissfully ignorant schtick rooted in some sort of misplaced loyalty to the dude, it’s important to be reminded that Kobe Bryant wouldn’t piss on you or I if we were on fire. This is all too evident in the story one eager (ex) Kobe fan had upon meeting his favorite player turned sworn enemy.

You heard the man, Kobe. Stay away from white women. I don’t think he’s kidding.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.