Why My Girlfriend Shouldn’t Watch Football with Me: A Girlfriend’s Rebuttal

by 4 years ago

Dear sexist dick,

Kindly fist yourself. 

I love BroBible. I frequently send this site's articles to my male AND female friends & giggle at the clever, daily play on words, videos and links. Even as a feminine, former sorority, Betty Crocker-cooking (…seriously try my slow cooked ribs), professional shopping, Sex & the City watching, strong female who owns 50+ pairs of heels, I dig this site's shit. But this article had me giving more forced fingers than Roethlisberger at a PTA fundraiser filled with soccer moms.

First of all, where did you attend school?Because I am seriously worried about your formal education- and that of this nation- if you think football is, quote “an incredibly complex sport. Try explaining it to a foreigner sometime. Actually, don’t. I promise you this can only end in a headache.”

Are you kidding me? I can explain football in the same time I can do a double shot of whiskey (…Maker's please): offense must get ball ten yards in 4 plays. Repeat over & over to get to endzone. Score. Defense must stop them. This all seems to happen more effortlessly when you're drunk off cheap beer (unless youre at Dad's house, then local pale ale it is), eating more carbs than you allow yourself the rest of the week (because even God ate like a fatty on the seventh day..probably?) and one of your Fantasy Football players is in.

That's all. Not that hard to explain. Even for someone as small minded as you.

I'm curious, did you attend an all boys' school? Because you clearly demonstrated through this eloquently written article that you know NOTHING about women. A LOT of women dig far more than just the “festive” side of football. While I too love my form-fitting Colts Jersey, a lot of us double X chromosomes grew up watching said sport with our families, or picked it up in college when we realized competition, smack talk, and betting on your boys while teetering the line between buzzed & full on wasted is fun as shit.

For me, I've always watched football. But I never started truly worshipping until last year when I entered a co-ed Fantasy Football League with my college friends. That is when my life changed for the better. I'll never forget that first month when I was undefeated while destroying all of the men. I ranked #1 for a majority of the season. I picked up the, at the time, rookie RG3 in the fifth round (…sorry about your Sophomore slump now, dude) and watched him, Peyton Manning, Ray Rice, a couple Pitt WRs, and Welker take my team to the top in the 2012-2013 season.

I won't just say I was decent at fantasy football, because that would be a lie. I was awesome… and still am this year. Last year, in the few hours I had off as a third-year medical student between 12 hour surgeries and studying all night for exams, I managed to pull an incredible season, coming oh-so-close to securing the overall win, which I'm back for this year. In fact, the week before my general surgery exam I made the mistake of letting my (now ex) boyfriend – a Red-blooded, All American avid football watching and former football playing man – set my line up which resulted in one of my three losses of the season. That was when I realized you never send a man in to do a woman's job. And trust me, I would rather be a stray mutt at the dog pound around the corner from Michael Vick's mansion than let someone as clearly mentally small as you set my line up EVER.

And how about this year? In my 14-person coed league, this year I was the overall best drafted team. I've now secured the overall #2 seed. And  I can't wait to scream when I win it all, as you said, “like a girl at a J Beib concert!!!” 

I ate ice cream while listening to Adele on the rare weeks I dont pull a “W,”  cried when MY Doug Martin's season ended, prayed for Jimmy Graham's injured extremities, and have yelled at my tv each week as Emanuel Sanders fumbles. I have the overall most points and I am proud to say I AM the real life Shiva from The League, as a Indian high school valedictorian who is now a doctor. And I'll send you a Snapchat of my bracket after I go all the way this year. How's you're team doing? You're probably too busy playing the sexist card to manage a winning team.

I'm guessing you don't have a girlfriend or a mother. Because either one would slap you to straight to the playoffs if they read your words. To imply ALL we are capable of caring about are shows like The Bachelor or Gilmore Girls while you, tough guy, are so manly watching your dickless kicker that you actually break through dry wall is absolutely laughable. Please, I'm sure your beer gut and “muscles” are not capable of such force.

Yes I'll admit Eric Decker and the four sexy TDs he got this week is the Wide Receiver of my fantasies (…though sadly not my fantasy football team) and I most definitely enjoyed getting “schwastey” at college tailgates that started at 5am at my Alma Mater. And who DOESN'T love 12 dollar fruity adult drinks that taste like Capri Sun and happiness? But nothing beats a Miller Lite. I'm not “ironically drinking it,” either. That is what I chug as I watch Redzone and scream at my fantasy football app. And I'm by no means an anomaly. I know a lot of girls who do the same.

Furthermore, for you to imply that as women, our “ability to comprehend the game in detail has probably been lost forever,” is absolutely offensive to me and all women out there, as it is to anyone with half a brain. Sir, I wake up excited on Sundays for the heart wrenching hours of entertainment, yelling at Stafford as he throws another interception and cursing myself for not starting Rashad Jennings AGAIN.

I'll admit I've never been as into football as I am now. But in two years, I quickly picked a lot of it up, a task that you claimed was “impossible.” My boyfriend, who definitely knows his football, even takes fantasy advice from me. And we're both one game away from being the number one seeds in our respective leagues. And I even designed fantasy football playoffs shirts online. So chew on that because odds are you'd have to beg a girl as cool as me to watch football next to you Thursday through Monday — or probably any girl at all for that matter.

As much as I love this Website & twitter account, I'm strongly considering boycotting brobible from here out. Too far bro. I can be a good sport and laugh at the “make me a sandwich” jokes here and there..Oh haha women are not good for anything other than cooking, how hilarious and original. But you've gone too far in this article.

I'm so sick of these stereotypes against women, especially when it comes to sports. It's 2013, not the 1850s. Women can do things like own property and watch football. I'm seriously more disappointed than your prom date after you lasted a solid four seconds at the post- party. Now excuse me while I go celebrate Josh Gordon getting me 38 points with 261 yards and 2 TDS, most likely securing my third consecutive week as overall highest scorer in my fourteen person league. Yup.


A girl who understands football better than you and probably most of your bros

P.S: Who memorized 98 degrees dance steps? Everyone knows N'SYNC's “bye bye bye” and “dirty pop” were the clutch songs to learn. Again proving you know nothing about women. And probably even less about football.

TAGSFootballmen vs. women

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