A Guide to the World Cup For Bros Who Don’t Know Shit About Soccer
It has come to my attention that your little foot-related sporting phenomenon is making it’s return relatively soon. Look, I’ll be honest, I’m not a huge soccer guy (I played FIFA a few times in 2009, wasn’t very good at it), but that’s okay. No one is. So here’s our guide to help you get through it.
You Won’t Know The Country Any Of The Jerseys Represent
But you will know that their great-grandfather might (or might not) have immigrated from said jersey’s location and that’s why they’re wearing it. Maybe you were busy picking your nose when your social studies teacher was teaching you about maps and country-based color schemes, or maybe you just didn’t care enough to get more than a B+. Who knows? If all else fails, wear a U.S. jersey, drink some beers, and be recklessly patriotic.
There Will Be Some Not So Sneaky Racism
This isn’t the passive-aggressive, institutionalized racism that we all know and love. Soccer brings about, in my opinion, the most overt, entertaining racism there is. I use the word “entertaining” because it’s SO fucked up that you don’t even know what you’re witnessing. Like, if you’re a black soccer player, you will not only be called the “n-word”, but people eat bananas, put the peels in their pocket and bring them into the stadium just to throw them at you. That shit is downright incredible.
You’re Going To Join A Horribly Confusing World Cup Pool At Work And Not Know What The Fuck Is Going On
“Please join my: Double-Elimination, Round-Robin, Consolation/Winner’s Bracket, Multiple Buy-In World Cup Pool!”
Your initial thought is “no thanks,” but peer-pressure and social expectations within the workplace will force you to donate $20 to someone you don’t like at all. For the next month, all elevator conversation will center around a bracket that you deleted from your inbox within the first 30 seconds of receiving it. Time to fire up a few soccer-related podcasts and fake it for a while.
You’re Going To Think A Dude Died On The Field, But He’s Going To Get Up And Be Completely Fine
It’s like the NBA:
But quite a bit worse:
You’re Going To See The Mascot And Be Very Confused
Yup. That’s an armadillo. Unfortunately, it’s not the first thing that any of us think of when we think of Brazil:
Maybe we’re a few decades away from having a full-fledged ass mascot represent our World Cup, but Brazil would have been an excellent place to start.
Now drink up and pretend that you know your shit, bros!