It’s the last Raw before Money in the Bank, so open up your briefcases and put these little nuggets of joy from last night’s Raw in them!
OPENING SEGMENT: John Cena opens up Raw in New Orleans and talks about how history has been made over and over again in WWE. Cena explains that Owens thinks it’s his time now, but Cena explains that he is just getting started. *sigh* The Cenation era has felt like it’s been going in dog years to be honest. Cena says that no matter if you cheer him or boo him, we ALL know that it’s a safe bet to bet on John Cena winning at Money in the Bank. Kevin Owens makes his way to the ramp and says that all John is doing is proving his point; that Cena is delusional. He also explains that he’s delusional if he believes that people want to see him opening Raw with a United States Championship open challenge. Owens believes that the people want to see an NXT Championship open challenge. John Cena accepts the NXT open challenge, but Owens says they’re fighting on Sunday, so they aren’t going to fight tonight. John Cena says the United States Championship open challenge starts now. Kevin cuts him off and says the next Superstar to come out can choose who he wants to fight. Neville answers the call and says that he would love to fight Cena…one day. Neville explains that ever since Kevin Owens won the NXT Championship, Owens thinks that he can just run around and disrespect the Superstars and fans of WWE. Neville and Kevin Owens is now officially underway!
Kevin Owens DEFEATS Neville (for the NXT Championship): It’s great to see these two youngsters get to open up Raw and give the “WWE Universe” a taste of what the gang down in NXT can do. Cena is on commentary and is building up both Owens and Neville…a concept that JBL hasn’t been able to grasp since 2013. The match has an awesome finish after Neville tries to go for the Red Arrow three times, only to be knocked off the top rope and into the Pop Up Powerbomb. Kevin Owens gets the win!
Backstage! Triple H and Stephanie are creeping on Instragram and they see Dean Ambrose’s pictures of him running around New Orleans with the WWE Championship. Ambrose is apparently doing wacky things like playing a saxophone with the Championship and drinking in a bar with a cowboy hat on…ya know, real lunatic fringe things! Seth Rollins enters and Triple H and Stephanie say that Seth is going to prove to everyone that he can beat Dean Ambrose on his own. Seth is kind of hesitant and tries to make sure that Triple H and Stephanie will still have his back. Trips and Steph say that Rollins is going to be able to handle it on his own because they have faith in him. Triple H says that Rollins can choose his opponent tonight to show them that he truly is ready for Sunday.
We then head over to Renee Young with Nikki Bella and Nikki rebuts to Paige’s remarks on SmackDown. Nikki says that Paige has had so many chances at the Diva’s Championship and she’s failed. She explains that Paige is jealous of people who are more successful than she is. Nikki says more things in her terrible acting tone and then says that this may be Paige’s house, but this is the Bella’s world. Ugh. She didn’t say ugh. I said ugh because the Bellas are just awful. Seriously.
Nikki Bella DEFEATS Summer Rae: Summer Rae makes an Undertaker appearance to face Nikki Bella! Where has Summer been?! Anyways, Nikki makes quick work of Summer Rae after hitting the Rack Attack. Rack as in bewbs.
Roman Reigns heads to the ring and says that there was a time where he absolutely hated the Money in the Bank briefcase because of Seth Rollins. Reigns says that he’s going to make history on Sunday when he defeats six other Superstars and walks out the winner of Money in the Bank. Reigns is cut off by fancy suit Kane. Kane says that he has been placed in the Money in the Bank match to protect The Authority’s interests. Reigns invites Kane into the ring so he can break his jaw, BUT FIRST, Dolph Ziggler makes his way to the ring and says that Kane won’t make a move until The Authority pulls his strings. Ziggler says that Kane not only The Authority’s greatest tool, but he’s also the biggest tool in WWE history. Kane reminds both men that they need to watch their mouths because all the Money in the Bank competitors will be in action tonight on Raw. R-Truth interrupts Kane and says that he finally conquered his fear of ladders at Wrestlemania and now he is ready to win the Money in the Bank match! Kane says that he isn’t even in the match. R-Truth asks if Kane is sure. Kane is positive R-Truth isn’t in the match. R-Truth says “my bad. That one’s on me” and heads backstage. It was a real LOL moment for me. I was like…
The New Day then interrupts Kane and says the same things Reigns and Ziggler have already said, then Sheamus, then Randy Orton. Basically, all the entrants for the match come out and give the same song and dance they do around Royal Rumble time…
IMMA WIN!
NOPE! IMMA WIN!
HEY! IMMA WIN TOO!!
ME WIN MATCH!!!
Randy Orton/Sheamus: Orton and Sheamus have another match and again, I didn’t look at the screen once. HOW MANY MORE TIMES CAN THESE TWO FIGHT!?!!? Orton eventually gets disqualified by using a chair on Sheamus. Orton and Sheamus then battle outside and bounce each other off barricades, tables, and stairs. Orton hits an RKO on Sheamus in the ring just for good measure.
Backstage! J&J Security find Rollins and say they understand that it’s been a rough week, but they believe in Seth Rollins and they would be honored to be in his corner at Money in the Bank. Seth then says that he meant every word that he said and that he picked Joey and Jamie out of obscurity. Jamie then flips shit and says that they’re basically Shield 2.0 and that Seth would never be anything without them and The Authority backing him. Jamie also says that Seth is probably going to do to them what he did to The Shield; turn on them. Seth says that he picks BOTH J&J to be his opponents tonight and Joey Mercury breaks his silence by saying that they’ve had his back since day one, but tonight, they’re going to kick Seth’s ass. Joey pulls out the earpiece, which in this situation is equivalent to a mic drop.
Kane DEFEATS Dolph Ziggler: Two more Money in the Bank competitors have at it while Lana looks on…and boy howdy does she look good in pink! Kane dominates most of the match because NO ONE calls Kane a tool…except maybe Undertaker. He could probably get away with it. During the match, Rusev hobbles his busted ass down the ramp and bothers Lana to the point where she falls off the ramp and injures her ankle. Ziggler looks on in concern as Kane capitalizes and picks up the victory. Man, Rusev is such a…HEEL!! GET IT!!? BECAUSE LANA WAS WEARING HIGH HEELS!! Ahhh, Imma die alone.
Miz TV with Big Show and Ryback. Anytime Big Show is on screen, this is me…
Miz says that he should be the most must see Intercontinental Champion and he deserves a title shot. Enter a hungry Ryback. Ryback says just in case The Miz was boring us, he’s here to yell “WAKE UP!” Ohh Ryback. You so funn-ay. Ryback says Miz runs his mouth all the time and it’s the same thing over and over. Miz is a movie star. Miz headlined Wrestlemania. Miz always got outshined by Damien Mizdow. Miz comes back with a “well you’re ugly” comeback. Miz tries to turn the tide onto The Big Show which leads to Big Show staggering towards the ring. Big Show gingerly sits in one of the chairs and says that out of all the tag team partners he’s had over the years, The Miz is the one partner that he hated immediately. Big Show says that if he wants to break something, he breaks it. If he wants to take it, he’ll take it. Ryback says that The Miz isn’t going to try and trick him into fighting Miz’s battle for him because he already wants to fight The Big Show. Big Show then says that he’s going to beat Ryback on Sunday and Miz interrupts AGAIN, but Big Show shuts him up real quick. Miz tries to cheap shot Big Show but gets knocked out of the ring and Ryback Shellshocks Big Show. I gotta admit, it was pretty impressive!! FEED. HIM. MORE!
Luke Harper & Erick Rowan DEFEAT Los Matadores: I’m so so so happy Harper and Rowan are back together. Harper and Rowan make quick work of Los Matadores and finish them off with a 3D…I dunno what they call it, but it’s awesome. After the match, Harper says “Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. The time is coming for everyone to pay for their sins and they are at their door.”
Big E DEFEATS Titus O’Neil: During the match, Xavier Woods does his best Brie Bella impression by running around yelling “HE’S THE MINISTER OF MASS! HASH TAG THAT! TELL EM!” Titus and Big E have a great slugfest with each other while Kofi and Xavier ham it up on the outside. Once Titus gets on a roll, HE. IS. A. BEAST! The 2nd coming of The Prime Time Players has been great in recent weeks and they can only go up from here. Eventually, the numbers game plays into Big E’s favor because Titus and Darren get distracted which leads to Big E giving Titus The Big Ending for the victory. As The New Day celebrates, Roman Reigns makes his way to the ring for…Reigns VS Kofi!
Roman Reigns DEFEATS Kofi Kingston: Kofi keeps trying to regroup with Xavier and Big E to try and get the numbers game in Kofi’s favor. Reigns keeps overpowering Kofi at every turn…uh, DUH! Despite all the outside shenanigans, this was a really fun match to watch and I’m happy to see that the fans (myself included) are finally growing on Roman Reigns. After the match, Roman Reigns grabs a seat for Dean Ambrose. Ambrose makes his way down to his seat with the WWE Championship, a Pepsi, and a pillowcase filled with popcorn.
J&J Security DEFEAT Seth Rollins: J&J finally get to release some frustration against Seth Rollins to the crowd’s delight. During the match, Dean is up to some tomfoolery like throwing popcorn and getting in Seth’s face. Jamie Noble gets some offense on Rollins and Rollins quickly turns the tide with a hopeful Pedigree until Dean Ambrose jumps the barricade and throws the WWE Championship in the ring to distract Rollins which allows Joey Mercury to sneak in and pick up the win! J&J WIN!!! J&J WIN! BY GAWD!!
Enjoy Money in the Bank, kids!
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