Gronk Makes Bon Jovi Cool Again In Highly Entertaining Madden NFL ’17 Spot

Gronk you sunuvabitch you. You can turn the most played out song in human history cool again with your meatstick, neanderthal personality. Gronk, like Marshawn Lynch, claims he hasn’t spent one penny of his signing bonus or NFL contract money. Gronk is currently playing out a 6 year, $54,000,000 contract with the New England Patriots, including a $8,000,000 signing bonus, $12,920,000 guaranteed, and an average annual salary of $9,000,000. The 27-year-old has reportedly only spent the cash he’s made from endorsements–namely Dunkin’ Donuts, BodyArmor, and Nike. In the words of Jay Z, Gronk ain’t a businessman, he’s a business, man.

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.