Essentially, if you gave a caveman a coffee maker and watched what he ate for thirty days, you would get the Whole30 diet.
About four weeks ago I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror with my shirt off. As I stood there admiring the 30 excess pounds taking up residence on my waistline, I became increasingly more concerned. Why was I unable to focus my vision for longer than a few seconds at a time? Oh yeah, I was completely drunk as shit. Again. Apparently, hammering three 24 oz Steel Reserve 211s in my room and shoveling food in my mouth after work almost every day was causing me to gain a lot of weight. I know. It didn’t make sense to me either. After having a “coming to Jesus because I can’t fit in my pants anymore” moment, my wonderful girlfriend suggested I start a diet with her.
Obviously, I was a little skeptical. Aren’t diets for people who are Orson Welles type fat? I realized that I would become his twin if I kept up my ways and begrudgingly, I began what is called the Whole30 diet. The name itself is just so fucking satisfying sounding isn’t it?
Here’s a basic list of what you can’t consume:
-Alcohol (I know, what the fuck)
-Rice, corn, pasta, bread, anything with gluten
-Milk, dairy, cheese
-Anything with added sugar or MSG
-Most beans
What I can consume:
-Meat. Bacon, turkey, steak, my neighbor’s child – if it’s meat, I can eat it
-Fruits and vegetables
-Black coffee, water or tea
Essentially, if you gave a caveman a coffee maker and watched what he ate for thirty days, you would get the Whole30 diet. Although I seem overtly apathetic I’m not one to back down from a challenge. I put over 250 hours into Pokemon Diamond on my Nintendo DS. I am certainly not a stranger to hard work.
The following is a transcript of my thoughts during the first day, which I wrote while getting paid to look busy at my job.
Whole30 Diet Day 1: June 9th, 2014
7:45 AM: Breakfast was 4 eggs, two pieces of turkey, and fruit. Ambitious start.
8:54 AM: I quit drinking three days ago so it’s nice not being at work hungover as all fuck. I am more productive now that I come to work without feeling like I’m going to vomit all over my keyboard. This diet is supposed to be difficult the first few days, so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for that. Perhaps, with a little magic and some hope, I will take a solid shit every day. A boy can dream! But I ate an hour ago and I’m already hungry. Do pears make me gassy? God help everyone here.
8:57 AM: Reviewing what my mother packed me (YOU KNOW YOU CAN DO IT YOURSELF JAKE YOU WERE JUST RUNNING LATE) for snacks and lunch – half a banana, chicken on a small salad, cashews/almonds, pear slices. I hate bananas. Bananas are the Al Qaeda of fruits. She’s going in a home now.
10:39 AM: What the fuck is happening to my body?
12:07 PM: Stomach is grumbling while I try to make sense of what this business consultant is IMing me about. Just ate a handful of carrots. I feel like Bugs Bunny.
12:24 PM: My salad has tomatoes in it. I loathe tomatoes. Am I eating them? Yes. I am eating them. I’m that hungry. I’m a starving African child. Oil and vinegar on my salad? Grrrrr where is the pizza and ranch and beer I AM SO ANGRY AT THE WORLD
12:25 PM: Ok there was something oddly satisfying about eating that.
1:33 PM: Wavering tiredness rolling in. Have only had one cup of coffee so far. I’m afraid to go by the coffee machine in because I might interact with a person and just blurt out “NERRRRR I’M ON A DIET”
2:24 PM: Crashing hard. I suppose this is a different kind of crashing rather than feeling like my insides are going to explode from my anus do to alcohol withdrawal.
I spent the rest of the day tired as shit. The second day was far worse than the first because I attempted to get up and work out.
Whole30 Diet Day 2: June 10th, 2014
6:00 AM: My attempt at getting out of bed was about as useless as Anne Frank’s drum kit. Why do I have a headache? My body is shaming me for not eating carbs or dairy. Fuck.
6:30 AM: Somehow making it out of bed, I got on the stationary bike in my basement for a resounding five minutes before I had to concede defeat. I couldn’t do anything else without eating something. I ate an egg white omelette with turkey, turkey bacon, and spinach. It was magical. I felt like I was cold in my bed and pulled a comforter made of egg whites over myself.
6:45 AM: Still hungry
8:30 AM: Three tylenol later and it doesn’t feel like someone hit me over the back of the head with a two by four. I would kick someone in the face for a cup of coffee right now
9:57 AM: Not really feeling as many hunger symptoms today as I thought I would, but that could be because I’ve drank four cups of coffee before 10 AM. I feel more comfortable in my belt (that usually doesn’t fit) but that’s probably from the lack of alcohol that would make me feel bloated like a fucking pig.
11:08 AM: SOS I’m not hungry help me jesus what is wrong?
12:51 PM: After mercilessly making my salad (with chicken sausage, turkey, avocado, lime juice, cabbage, cucumber, and carrots) my bitch about an hour ago, I find myself still hungry. I think this is going to become a sad habit.
12:52 PM: I do however realize I am not fantasizing about when my next drink is, but rather when I can eat next. I guess that’s okay? But incredibly depressing.
3:32 PM: Halfway dicking around at work. Not really so hungry as I am just combatting it with coffee. I am, however, feeling clearer and clearer as the day goes on. I think I’m already sick of eating fucking lettuce though. We’ll see. Fuck. I want a donut.
The next 25 or so days continued about the same…pretty fucking anticlimactic, I know. But it all brings me to today, July 5th at 9:57 AM. I think I’m probably ten to twelve pounds lighter than I was. Joy! The hunger pains subsided around 10 days in, and you get incredibly tired of eating grilled chicken and vegetables pretty damn fast.
People tell me I don’t look fat as shit anymore, so that’s nice. I don’t need my shamefully-too-large khaki pants to fit into anymore for work. Neat! And to all those out there who still think eating gluten free and dieting is all a gimmick and a fad – That’s great, let me show you the door. Don’t forget to fuck yourself on the way out. Some of the garbage food that tastes so good is simply not supposed to be in our bodies. Eating healthy works if you have any sense of dedication to it, but, it is indeed boring as shit. Should you do the Whole30 diet? Fuck if I know. Are you fat? Might wanna consider something.
Not consuming alcohol was certainly the biggest part of this diet. I like to drink, okay? And when I do it’s often in extreme excess. Whatever. I’m 22. Keeping alcohol out of your diet is definitely hard, but it gives you the power to say “no” to people. This makes me incredibly happy. There is something satisfying about intentionally disappointing people by choosing to be responsible.
I know what you’re thinking. You’ve been thinking it the whole time. You want to know if I broke the diet. You want to sit behind your computer and point your finger at me and be like “HAAAAAAA YOU IDIOT, YOU HAVE NO WILLPOWER YOU SHITBAG!!!” I will give you that satisfaction. Are you ready? I must lament to you, total strangers out there on the Internet, *yes* I did break the diet…once. I was traveling and it was almost impossible to find an apt substitute for what I was supposed to be eating. Sue me, motherfucker. At least I don’t get winded walking up flights of stairs anymore.
It’s been 30 days since Jake Alexander’s last sip of malt liquor, you can send him hateful messages on Twitter – @callmeshitto
[Image via ShutterStock]