Every guy wants to be a pro wrestler. The appeal of being an overgrown asshole who is rewarded and celebrated for his obnoxiousness is just too strong to ignore. Unfortunately, unless you had the idiotic gumption to actually become a wrestler (ew), you have suppressed these urges for polite society’s sake.
Yet, there are certain behaviors you refuse to let go and only attempt in secrecy, because being an asshole is fun.
Mr. Perfect Gum Swat
Mr. Perfect was the Shooter McGavin of WWE; irritatingly talented (at everything), supremely cocky and a master of the little things, like spitting out then swatting away his gum while walking to the ring. He pulled this off so smoothly that it is forever the standard method of gum disposal amongst wrestling fans. If you attempt it, you’ll quickly realize that it is pretty difficult to nail, without over-spitting and missing or under-spitting and having it fall down your shirt. Once you do pull it off, you’ll feel almost perfect, until you realize you’re standing in a mall parking lot and there’s a guy sitting in the car your gum landed on.
Triple H Water Spit
Okay, so far there seems to be a theme. Triple H took something so simple, a pre-match dousing with water, and turned it into performance art scored by Motörhead. While you can swat gum in a covert manner, this spit should only be performed amongst your closest wrestling friends or people start asking too many questions (“are you not more thirsty now?”). I’d also suggest doing this alone in the shower, though I don’t remember the part where HHH has to squeegee his bathroom ceiling.
Hulk Hogan Shirt Rip
Sorry to break it to you, but Hulk pre cut all his shirts. Yes, a 300lb American hero with the hormone levels of Secretariat had to cut out the neck hole of an already flimsy t-shirt, because that shit is hard to pull off. Try it right now and you’ll just stretch out the neck, giving you that classy vagrant look. So to pull this off, you’re going to have to wait for the right moment; 5 years from now when that shirt finally gets a tear in it. Believe me, it’s worth the wait.
The Undertaker Sit Up
Ah the dramatic zombie sit up, to show the world that you can’t be stopped and you don’t fear death. Or, in your case, aMonday morning hangover before work, because you were black out drunk on a Sunday. While the Undertaker sits up to his opponents fear and the awe of the crowd, you’ll sit up to the rattling of beer cans and the disapproval of your girlfriend, whose own hungover complexion is akin to Paul Bearer.
Macho Man Flying Elbow
This is strictly a diving board event. Pro wrestling is an exaggerated enough display of athleticism that any dad-bod douche can pull this off with a relative degree of accuracy. You’ve got to climb the steps dramatically, step to the edge, majestically point both hands to the sky then leap, flopping entirely on your side, realizing underwater that maybe Randy Savage must have been absolutely destroying people with this move.
Getting Way Too Intricate With Your Action Figures
It’s generally assumed that all boys had action figures and would just bang them together or torture them like Sid from Toy Story. But if you had wrestling action figures, behind closed doors, a far more sophisticated event took place. Planning matches, elaborate accessorized entrances replete with Howard Finkel introductions and the classic, high-pitched Gorilla Monsoon commentating voice, this was clearly an intellectual affair. And God forbid you had those plush wrestling buddies, which were the perfect height as a kid that, despite copious “don’t try this at home” warnings, they were staring at you like “suplex me, I fucking dare you.” By the way, suplexing them now as an adult is just as much fun, so I’ve been told.
The People’s Eyebrow
It’s safe to assume that the Rock is the most beloved person on the planet. In the late 90’s, the Rock was to bros what Jennifer Aniston was to females; whatever you do, we’re gonna totally copy. This of course led to the majority of male society wearing gold chains, track pants and pointy sideburns. And everyone loves raising their eyebrow now, despite only a fraction of the population being physically capable of doing so, which leaves 75% of people just tilting their head, widening one eye and slowly winking with the other.
Stone Cold Beer Bash
Because drinking in your jean shorts is not redneck enough, there’s something extremely cathartic about taking two beers and smashing them together and then trying to pour them down your throat. A small caution; please do this with cans not bottles. Secondly, this level of badassery lasts only for a moment before you realize that you’ve just completely wasted two of your six-pack and you’ll now have a dead spot on your lawn.
Acting Like Ric Flair At A Wedding
Want to know how to spot a wedding guest who doesn’t often wear a suit? They strut into the hall wearing Ray-Bans and humming the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey, they’re wearing rings on a hand that they keep making the number four with and, by the end of the night, they’re beat red, sweating profusely and dropping elbows on their jacket. His date is going to break up with him tomorrow anyways so let him live his fantasy of pretending to pay for all the shots he’s ordering at the open bar. Wooo!
DX Crotch Chop
I don’t know why wrestling gets the rap of being vulgar and immature, but it may have something to do with the time-honored tradition of pointing to your penis. Not even pointing directly, so much as presenting it, like you made an entrée you’re really proud of. It’d be nice if you had your best friends behind you doing the same gesture and acutely timed fireworks behind you, with thousands of people celebrating your genital show. But you don’t, because you’re doing it behind your boss’ back after he just reamed you out. The security guard watching the footage thinks you’re awesome though.