9 of the weirdest jobs by celebrities before they were famous

by 8 years ago
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weirdest celebrity jobs

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We’ve all had lousy jobs and famous folks are no exception. Of course, there are your ordinary crappy jobs and then there are those jobs that are truly weird. It is to these weird jobs, and the celebrities who had them, that this article is devoted. Some of the jobs are weird because, well, because they’re just weird as hell and you would probably be feel kind of uncomfortable around anyone who did them, while some of them are weird just because they don’t fit what we know about the celebrity at all. Indeed, here are nine of the weirdest jobs held by celebrities before they became famous because we all have to start somewhere.

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sean connery

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The Job: Coffin Polisher

Coffin polisher? I didn’t even know that was a thing? Did you know that was a thing? Anyway, yes, the original and best Bond spent his pre-spy years doing several odd jobs, the oddest of which has to be this coffin polisher thing, right? Seriously, what in the hell is that? It sounds like a euphemism for masturbation. The job title itself seems pretty self-evident but I’m just having a hard time believing that there are dudes (and lady dudes, we don’t want to be sexist here) who spend forty hours a week polishing coffins. There’s mundane and then there’s polishing coffins for eight hours a day until you eventually go insane and climb inside of one because you realize that you’re spending your life polishing boxes meant for rotting dead people. To be fair, if anyone could make the world of coffin polishing look glamorous, it’s ol’ 007, and sure we can only assume he banged some chick named Labia Majora or something in one of them because that is just the way of the gentleman spy but still, no man should ever have to be around a coffin until his relatives are wheeling his 98 year-old corpse into the Funeral Home and not a second before.

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hugh jackman

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The Job: Clown

Yes, before he was famous, Wolverine performed as a clown at parties, which makes sense when you consider that Professor X once worked as a mime before people became so annoyed that they broke his back, shaved his head and left him lying in the street. Or maybe that was just some weird fever dream of mine, who knows? Seriously though, clowns are weird and creepy. They are like an acid flashback come to life, they get all up in your personal space and because they have all that makeup on you can never really tell what they’re actually thinking. Then again, anyone who has watched Hugh Jackman prance around on stage at the Tony Awards or on Broadway probably isn’t that surprised that the dude has a background that is so, uh, theatrical. Also, that hair is the hair of a man who has done some weird things in his life. Still, you can never really trust a clown and I think all of Hugh Jackman’s costars and fellow mutants would do well to remember that.

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whoopi goldberg

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The Job: Phone Sex Operator

Oh, God.

Imagine calling up one of those 1-900 numbers and being met by the voice of Whoopi Goldberg, saying filthy and profane things into your ear. Seriously, think about it right now. And then take ten minutes to cry and scrub your brain with bleach. I would say more but I’m pretty sure talking about this is considered a violation of the Geneva Convention so let’s just move on.

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nancy grace

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The Job: Uh, Something called a Hike Master at an Indian burial ground

What in the…

No, really, what in the hell is a Hike Master at an Indian burial ground? I mean, I get the concept of a hike master – I guess, even though it’s a pretty ridiculous term – and I know what an Indian burial ground is, but how in the hell do those two things go together? Was she leading tours through a goddamn Indian graveyard? That’s, uh, that’s pretty weird, right? I’m assuming her brazen violation of the Indian’s sacred resting space resulted in her being cursed to live her life as one of the most obnoxious people on planet Earth, a shrieking harridan with a perpetual bitch face that makes it look like she just smelled one of Sitting Bull’s 100 yard old farts. Hell, the dead Indians probably pushed her off on the rest of us as their final revenge against the white man. Sure, we did some heinous shit with smallpox blankets but Nancy Grace? That’s just too much.

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dennis rodman

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The Job: Camp Counselor

Yeah yeah yeah, “camp counselor” isn’t by itself a weird job but just imagine the dude in that picture as your son or daughter’s counselor and I think you’ll be changing your tune. Yes, before he was famous Dennis Rodman worked for a summer as a camp counselor for the Boy’s Club of Memphis because that’s just what a troubled young dude needs is Dennis freakin’ Rodman mentoring him. Somewhere in the Memphis area there is a dude walking around in high heels and a feather boa, wondering where it all went wrong. Hell, not even having phone sex with Whoopi Goldberg would have screwed that dude up as much as being shown the facts of life by Dennis Rodman. Okay fine, maybe not, but still, those poor kids never had a chance.

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christopher walken

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The Job: Circus Performer

Apparently when he was a teenager, Walken, like most young men, took a part time job as a circus performer. Wait… what?

Okay fine, if we’re being honest with ourselves, there really isn’t a job on Earth that would seem too weird for Christopher Walken. You could tell me that he once spent a summer harvesting alien eggs for NASA and I’d believe you. But since it’s Christopher Walken he couldn’t be just any old circus performer. He was no trapeze artist, no mere clown like a common Jackman, but a goddamn lion tamer. That’s right, as a teenager Christopher Walken tamed lions. And the scariest part is, is that you just read that without batting an eyelash because he’s Christopher Walken. Of course he did.

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wilford brimley

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The Job: Bodyguard for Howard Hughes

This one is weird because it’s just so random. First of all, who would ever suspect that old ass Wilford Brimley, most famous for having the ‘Beetus and for looking like a sad walrus, was once badass enough to have worked as a bodyguard? And second, as a bodyguard for Howard Hughes of all people. Really? Then again, I guess Howard needed a trustworthy bodyguard like Hallmark Channel Hall of Famer Wilford Brimley to guard him against all those jars of piss and fingernail clippings that he probably thought were out to get him. Seriously, this one’s just too weird. I don’t even know what else to say about it. I mean, it’s Wilford Brimley guarding Howard Hughes. Come on.

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tim allen

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The Job: Drug Dealer

Yes, despite his idiot every-man family guy persona, Tim Allen was once just a sleazy drug dealer. Hell, he was even arrested for it. Sure, lots of people do and sell drugs and by itself it’s not that weird but the idea that Good Family Man Tim Allen was once hauled away and thrown in prison for dealing coke is not only weird but really, really funny. Then again, you’d probably have to do mountains of cocaine to live with yourself if you spent your days grunting like a buffoon and your nights hanging out with Larry the Cable Guy. Still, the idea that Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor was once basically Walter White is more than enough to get him on this list. I just wonder what Wilson would say about all this.

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jon hamm

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The Job: Set Dresser for Porn

Once upon a time Don Draper was little more than a gofer on the set of pornos. He was basically Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in Boogie Nights, making sure that props were in the right place and all of the boring shit that nobody thinks about when they’ve got their pants around their ankles and their hands around their… well, you get the idea. No word on whether he once tried to kiss Dirk Diggler though, but then again, who knows? Not only is the job of set dresser for porn impressively weird all on its own, the idea that this is what Don Draper of all people once did just to get by makes it really, really weird. I could see Roger Sterling doing something like this – probably just for fun – but Don? No way. Then again, Don Draper is a man with a mysterious and sometimes embarrassing past so… maybe? Still, try to picture Jon Hamm, dressed as Don Draper being ordered around a porn set like Scotty in Boogie Nights and try not to laugh. Then again, for all you degenerates out there, wading through a haze of semen and silicone just trying to earn a buck, I guess this just goes to show that there’s hope for you in the end. After all, that’s what we’re all about here at Guyism: inspiration. Oh, and dick jokes. And boobs. And beer. But most of all, inspiration. You’re welcome, degenerates. You’re welcome.

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TAGSArbitrary RankingsBefore they were famousChristopher WalkenDennis RodmanfeaturedHugh JackmanJon HammListsNancy GraceSean ConneryTim Allenweird jobsweirdest jobsWhoopi GoldbergWilford Brimley