Like Samson, a lot of celebrities seem to think that they get their power through their hair. That’s why Britney Spears shaving her head was such a big deal. It made her too weak to fight off the devil’s hordes, who invaded her unprotected brain and forced her to become addicted to Cheetos and sadness. So you can see why a lot of celebrities go to extreme lengths to hide their hair loss. Without wigs made from horse hair or transplants taken from executed prisoners celebs would be vulnerable to the devil’s charms and would be unable to fulfill their Biblical duties. That’s why it wouldn’t be surprising to read about Bret Michaels or Burt Reynolds shaving the head of some poor person in the street and then pasting the locks on their own deprived heads. It’s a Holy War and these things happen.
Of course, some celebs –- men like Bruce Willis or Sean Connery -– accept their natural state and seem all the more badass for it. But that’s not who this list is devoted to. No. This list is devoted to those poor brave holy warriors who, no matter how hard they try, seem to be losing the fight.
Photo credit: YouTube/Village Roadshow
12 Quentin Tarantino
Poor Quentin seems like the type of dude who wants to have the big Elvis hair-do. Unfortunately for Quentin, he does have Elvis’ hair –- only it’s the Elvis who’s been dead for over 30 years.
11 Steven Seagal
Steven Seagal was clearly losing the battle to save his hair around the time he was dating Kelly LeBrock and making the movie Hard to Kill. Something tells me that whatever dead animal he’s been stapling to his head for the last couple of decades hasn’t been so hard to kill since it seems like he’s made it his personal mission to keep a fresh supply of them on hand (or on head) at all times.
10 Hulk Hogan
Everyone knows the Hulkster lost his greatest fight years ago, but to his credit, the stringy little mess/giant bald spot has almost become his trademark. After all, just think about it. Could you even imagine Hulk Hogan with a full head of hair or without those blond stragglers in the back who look like they’re desperate survivors constantly trying to escape from the Titanic-sized disaster he’s got going on up there? Me neither.
9 Fred Durst
Well, at least we know why Fred always wore that stupid hat. Then again, poor Fred has bigger issues to worry about other than going bald, starting with the fact that he is Fred Durst.
8 Hugh Laurie
Apparently, poor Dr. House’s hair has been consumed by Lupus. This picture sadly highlights the paradoxical nature of Hugh Laurie. In our hearts, he is an acid tongued rebel who would conquer a case of male pattern baldness like it was a mild cold but in our brains we know that the good doctor is really just a worn down old Englishman who probably just wants a nice spot of tea while watching the telly before drifting off into a depressed sleep every night where he dreams of having hair… and Lupus. Probably.
7 Brendan Fraser
Jesus! What the hell is going on up there? Damn. That looks like my lawn after I forget to water the grass. Oh well, it could be worse. I mean, he could be starring in crap like Furry Vengeance. Oh… oh, I see.
6 Jude Law
I have to give Jude Law some credit because he seems to be fully embracing the inevitable. Another man might just do the smart thing and shave off whatever’s left, but Jude is an Englishman and he’s apparently chosen to do the English thing and suffer this indignity with a stiff upper lip. Then again, maybe the plot of the next Sherlock Holmes movie should be Holmes trying to figure out the mystery of what in the hell happened to Watson’s hair.
5 Jeremy Piven
Oh, Jeremy Piven. Nobody’s hairline changes back and forth like Ari Gold’s. Seriously, the dude’s hair seems to ebb and flow like the tides. Go back and watch anything with Jeremy Piven in it from the ‘90s and then watch something with him in it now. It’s a miracle! Well, if hair plugs are a miracle anyway.
4 Nicolas Cage
Nobody ever knows what in the hell is going on with Nicolas Cage’s hair. I don’t think he even knows. I think he just wakes up, looks in the mirror and hopes and prays that it won’t look like his skull is being attacked by an angry bat. Then again, Nicolas Cage is an artist (Let’s not forget his award winning work in Con-Air.) and perhaps he sees his head as a living exhibit of some sort. Who knows? Look, I’m just trying to help the guy out here.
3 Amy Winehouse
Uh, don’t do crack. Unless of course you’re Charlie Sheen and your body is filled with tiger blood. Then again, I’m pretty sure Amy Winehouse has probably injected tiger blood at some point. Maybe she can inject Miracle Grow next to cover up that bald spot.
2 Prince William
Isn’t this dude a little young to be going bald already? Damn. I guess the Prince Charles genes finally overwhelmed the Princess Di genes here. I’m guessing not a lot of British girls have his poster on the wall anymore. Well, except for the ones who think that premature baldness and inbreeding are hot anyway, which are probably more than you’d think. They are Brits after all.
1 John Travolta
And finally, we come to John Travolta, the king of ashamed bald celebrities. There is not one picture out there in which Travolta’s hair looks the same as it does in any other picture. It’s astounding. Either the dude was granted the power to magically regrow hair whenever he needed to by L. Ron Hubbard or he’s been going bald for years and is too vain to admit it. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible that Xenu taps him with a magic wand or whatever and the hair just sprouts up, but if that’s the case then ol’ Xenu’s been a little too busy for Travolta lately. Look, I don’t know what in the hell the dude really believes but maybe he should start praying to Sy Sperling and the Church of the Hair Club for Men.