Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes you forget to close the gas cap on your car or you forget to give the teller back her pen at the bank, and sometimes you forget to wrap your junk up and end up trying to avoid the mother of your bastard child and her persistent attorneys. It happens. But when famous people make mistakes, the whole world ends up knowing about it –- eventually, anyway. And enough famous people have made that age old mistake of not properly sheathing their sword that we thought we’d take a look at some of these famous deadbeat dads. Why? Cheap content? Perhaps. Or maybe, just maybe, we here at Guyism believe in a better world, and that children everywhere should have the right to know their fathers. Yeah… that’s it. Unless of course, one of us happens to be that father, in which case, we would tell you the same thing we told the judge: that bitch is lying, your honor! Ahem, anyway, let’s just get on with this, our look at nine famous men who fathered love children.
Public Domain, Flickr
9 Steven Tyler
Way back in the day –- waaaaaay back –- that weird old lady from American Idol used to be a rock star. Really! And not just a rock star but the lead singer for Aerosmith, considered by many to be the American version of the Rolling Stones. Naturally, Steven Tyler took advantage of his rock god status to have sex with as many women as he possibly could. It is the American dream, after all. So, really, it was only a matter of time before Tyler knocked up one (or two, or three, or…) of his conquests. It just so happens that the woman he impregnated was a model named Bebe Buell –- who was also famous for shacking up with rocker Todd Rundgren -– and nine months after they banged like monkeys in heat, a little girl named Liv arrived on the scene. Since Buell was with Rundgren, she decided to just raise the child with him while Steven was busy gallivanting across the world with Joe Perry, a clown car full of heroin and a tour bus full of exotic whores. Smart choice. But all it took was a backstage visit by the young Liv to realize the truth about her famous father and it wasn’t long before she became famous herself, as actress Liv Tyler. Today, the two seem to have a good, genuine father-daughter relationship, which I’m sure is helped immeasurably by the fact that they can share a wardrobe and that Steven, as an old lady himself now, understands what it’s like to be a single woman in this topsy-turvy world.
8 Chuck Norris
If you believe everything you read on the Internet -– and really, why wouldn’t you –- Chuck Norris can do literally anything and everything. Except for buying condoms, anyway. Indeed. It would seem that way back in 1962, while serving in the air force, Norris cheated on his wife and the result was a little girl named Dina. Of course, by the time the little girl was born, Norris had karate kicked the girl’s mother to the curb so it wasn’t until 1991 that Norris, who is deeply religious, found out that he had a love child after Dina wrote to him. To his credit, Norris embraced the girl –- well, woman actually -– and according to him she is very much a part of his life. It’s a good thing, though, that Chuck isn’t the sort to tell other people how to live their lives up on his moral high horse, or else that would be really, really awkward. Oh wait…
7 Gavin Rossdale
Rossdale, the lead singer for the band Bush –- although you might know him better today as Mr. Gwen Stefani -– had a quickie with a friend of his named Pearl Lowe. Awww, that’s nice. Well, except for the fact that Lowe was already in a relationship with some other dude. Oops. When a baby showed up, Lowe assumed that her boyfriend was the father and went on thinking that until she realized that her little girl seemed a little, uh, too Rossdaleish (Rossdaley? Rossdalesque?) One paternity test later and Rossdale found out that he was a deadbeat dad. Years later, that little girl grew up to be a fashion model by the name of Daisy Lowe and Rossdale was forced to explain to his new wife that, when it came to him and Pearl, there had been a lack of adequate Chemicals Between Us and that he wished that she would have just Swallowed instead. Jesus, I’m sorry, that was terrible. As jokes go, I probably should have aborted that one. Eh? Eh? Sigh.
6 Strom Thurmond
This one is just hilarious/terrible, depending on how awful a person you are. Yes, it would seem that Strom Thurmond, noted segregationist, had fathered a child way back in 1925 with a black teenage housekeeper. Apparently, ol’ Strom was a proponent of keeping all thing black and white separate with the notable exception of his penis and her vagina. Wait, it gets better/worse. Not only did Thurmond knock up the family housekeeper, the poor girl was only sixteen at the time! So, not only did Strom knock up an underage family employee, he then spent the rest of his life campaigning for laws which would have made it illegal for his own daughter to share the same drinking fountain as him. What a great guy! The poor teenaged housekeeper’s sister took the baby to live with her in Pennsylvania, eventually tracking Strom down in 1941, when his baby daughter was now a sixteen year-old girl herself. Strom then apparently acknowledged that the girl was his daughter before spending the next 60 plus years of his life pretending that she didn’t exist. Again, what a great guy!
5 Julius Erving
Dr. J was world famous for his dazzling dunks and for being one of the NBA’s premier superstars in the late 70’s/early 80’s, but when he wasn’t scoring on the court, he was busy scoring in the bedroom. During one of these encounters, with reporter Samantha Stevenson, he accidentally fathered a baby girl. I imagine it went a little something like this:
Samantha: “Julius, you should probably get a condom.”
Dr. J: “Nah, baby, it’s cool. Relax.”
Samantha: “Are you sure?”
Dr. J: “You can trust me, baby, I’m a doctor”
Ahem. Sorry. While that conversation may not have actually happened, the key thing we can take away from that is that, no, she most definitely should not have trusted him because nine months later, she found herself a single mother. For his part, Erving was noble enough to financially support the baby girl while she was growing up but he refused to publically acknowledge her -– at least until she became a tennis star and reached the semi-finals at Wimbledon in 1999. It was then, in a telephone conversation with the Associated Press, that Dr. J admitted for the first time publically that he was indeed the father of Alexandra Stevenson.
4 John Edwards
Everyone knows by now that John Edwards, former Senator and Presidential candidate had a love child. But a look at the details reveals a sordid and depraved mess. Apparently, John Edwards began an affair with a former campaign worker named Rielle Hunter, all while his wife was busy dealing with the fact that she, you know, had cancer, which she later died from. What a guy! The National Enquirer, in a series of reports beginning in October of 2007, revealed the details of the affair and claimed that Edwards was the father of Hunter’s child. Edwards denied these reports and then later admitted to the affair but continued to deny that he was the father. Another campaign aide, Andrew Young, then stepped up and claimed he was the father, but he then quickly rescinded that admission and went on to claim that not only had he been tasked by Edwards with arranging his hookups with Hunter, but that Edwards knew the baby was his all along and begged Young to claim that he was the father. Young also claimed that Edwards once promised that he would marry Hunter, after his wife died, in a rooftop ceremony in New York City with an appearance by The Dave Matthews Band (!!!!).
But that’s not all! According to ABC News, Young also claimed that Edwards asked him to “get a doctor to fake the DNA result and to steal a diaper from the baby so he could secretly do a DNA test to find out if this [was] indeed his child.” Jesus. But wait, there’s even more! In 2009, reports began to surface that Edwards was being investigated for using campaign money for personal use related to the affair and just a few days ago it was reported that the Justice Department apparently plans to indict Edwards on criminal charges for spending over $1 million(!) in political donations to hide the affair and the child that followed. Wouldn’t it have been easier just to cut a few child support checks, John? Or, you know, just not cheat on your dying wife? Just a thought.
3 Arnold Schwarzenegger
Come on, you knew this one was coming. Everybody knows by now that the Governator is the father of his maid’s ten year-old child. And while there is a joke to be made here about Skynet sending Arnold back in time to prevent his bastard child from being born and ruining his reputation and his marriage, we here at Guyism are above such nonsense and won’t do it. Instead, we’ll just ask one question: Why? Why would Arnold Schwarzenegger risk it all just to have sex with his allegedly human maid? Well, from all available evidence, Arnold would grope a manatee if it wasn’t able to swim away on time. He probably would have tried to have sex with Predator if it was a real being. So maybe the poor dude is just a randy sex addict. Or maybe, just maybe, since he had been married for so many years with a lady who looked like Skeletor, he decided to branch out and have sex with another character from the He-Man universe, like Beast Man. After all, I can’t come up with any other reason why Arnold would have had sex with… with that. Sadly, we’ll probably never know why Arnold did what he did, but what we do know is that he has a young son, and that son looks freakishly like him, and Arnold had enough balls to just let the maid bring the kid around the house whenever she felt like it. Maybe Arnold was just waiting for the right moment, a moment that never came, a moment when he could have found himself alone with his illegitimate little baby son and quipped something like “hasta la vista, baby” before throwing both the child and his mother out for good. Who knows?
2 Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson’s affair with slave Sally Hemings has been well documented, including by us here at Guyism, but he didn’t just sleep with Hemings once and call it quits. No. Instead, Jefferson managed to father a whole slew of bastard children with Hemings, making him the spiritual forefather of later politicians like Strom Thurmond, John Edwards and the loveable Governator. Most people like to focus on the fact that Jefferson got busy with a slave, which… yeah, that’s something people are going to focus on, but what you rarely hear about is his relationship with the children who were the result of that long affair. Although Jefferson never publicly acknowledged the children, they were apparently well looked after and were eventually freed by Jefferson. That seems like an incredibly weird thing to say, that a man freed his own children but those were f*cked up times and people did f*cked up things. No one knows for sure how many of Hemings’ seven children were the result of their affair, but DNA evidence shows that Hemings’ descendants also share Jefferson’s DNA, meaning that at least one of the kids had to be his.
A couple of thousand years ago, apparently God laid his eyes on a young housewife named Mary. Nine months later, a little baby boy emerged. God split and left Mary’s husband, some blue collar carpenter named Joe, to take care of the baby, which they named Jesus. (Back then, it was cool to name your kid Jesus without it being seen as sacrilegious. Well, at least until Mary and Joseph ruined it for everyone else, that is.) Apparently, God also skipped out on years of child support payments and like many children who never know their fathers, Jesus grew up to be a bit of a troublemaker and was eventually busted by the cops and sentenced to crucifixion for aggravated loitering and for unlicensed wine-making. It was thanks to this crucifixion that God and his young son eventually had an emotional reunion and today they apparently live together in a gated community even though they sometimes fight because Jesus refuses to cut his hair and is kind of a hippie and God is sick of explaining his behavior to all of his rich, uptight neighbors. It’s all in the Bible, you can check if you don’t believe me.