Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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I pocket dialed my boss and the call lasted 2 minutes 32 seconds so brb I'm changing my identity
— Alison Forns (@alisonforns) May 5, 2014
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I feel her pain.
I'd wish Audrey Hepburn a happy birthday but I didn't know her personally.
— Elizabeth Gillies (@LizGillies) May 5, 2014
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Didn’t you just wish her a happy birthday anyway?
Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody! I know it’s a day early, but typing requires fine motor skills I won’t have tomorrow.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 5, 2014
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Hasn’t stopped millions of other Twitter users.
I'm kinda thinking Ben Affleck purposely got caught "counting" cards, it's like if Kim Kardashian was caught "reading" a book.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 5, 2014
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Right. Like that would EVER happen.
I feel like Arnold Palmer should have come up with a second, more elaborate drink by now.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) May 5, 2014
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Seriously, bro is slacking.
really took my time shaving today! #MetGala
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 5, 2014
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Pics or it didn’t happen.
Even though it was unpleasant, I still wish there was video of the spectacular head/cabinet door collision that just happened
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 5, 2014
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Don’t worry, someday we’ll all have cameras in our heads.
Serious question: why does botted water have an expiration date?
— Darius Rucker (@dariusrucker) May 5, 2014
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So they can sell more of something we can get for free?
every cultural holiday is now just an excuse for white people to drink
— alexandria morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) May 5, 2014
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What’s your point, Alexandria?
I can't believe a woman lives with both a husband AND a boyfriend! That chick's got more dicks going into her than the Scientology Center!
— Lisa Lampanelli (@LisaLampanelli) May 5, 2014
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Oh no she didn’t.
Did the Oklahoma City Thunder's owner say something horribly racist to his side piece?! The Thunder are playing terrible! What happened!?!?
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) May 6, 2014
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Low blow.
Thanks to Hibbert I still may have an NBA career. I scored as many points as he did in 12 minutes while drinking a nice Napa cab.On my couch
— Kevin Nash (@RealKevinNash) May 6, 2014
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Another low blow.
Obviously I'm PMSing because I just cried at a shampoo commercial
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) May 6, 2014
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Eh, I do that at least once a week.
If you’re white, not Eminem and trying to be a rapper you should just beg people for attention on a street corner.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) May 6, 2014
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Trying that tomorrow.
RT if you're now thinking of a really offensive word. Don't say it though. Haha. We got away with it.
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) May 6, 2014
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Fuckin’ A right.
"Born To Raise Heck"
think about it
just as effective, right gang?
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) May 6, 2014
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Ummmm, no.
To the guy who just changed the treadmill tv from music videos to antique roadshow, you're lucky I'm in a good mood.
— Katy Perry (@katyperry) May 6, 2014
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Don’t make Katy angry. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.
I am more or less okay with everything that doesn't impact me directly.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 6, 2014
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That’s the kind of attitude that gets change done!
New York has done a very good job of breaking my prejudice of what type of people I expect to see on Razor scooters.
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) May 6, 2014
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Sadly, he did not elaborate.
Rihanna should create her own Instagram. Fuck it. #ristagram
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) May 6, 2014
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YES.
According to Facebook, if you do a good deed and don't tell everyone about it, it's like you didn't do it at all.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 6, 2014
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But Facebook is so great!
Fucked up a tweet. BIG TITTED STICKY SPONGE CHICKS.
— Andrew Dice Clay (@TheRealDiceClay) May 7, 2014
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Much better.
GUN PRO TIP: If you duct tape your gun to an iPhone, it's no longer a firearm, it's legally an app!
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) May 7, 2014
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Great life hack!
Sometimes it's better not to read the lyrics to the songs you shake your ass to…
— Syd Wilder (@SydWilder) May 7, 2014
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Sage advice.
I generally don’t condone grave robbing, but sometimes a guy just needs a new pair of shoes.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 7, 2014
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You gotta do what you gotta do.
How come on FaceTime the other person always looks good but you appear ugly as sin?
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) May 7, 2014
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Operator error.
How many sleeves of Ritz crackers is too many sleeves of Ritz crackers to eat in one night? Asking for me.
— erinn hayes (@hayeslady) May 7, 2014
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I don’t think there’s a limit.
You cannot buy friendship for less than one hundred dollars.
— carl reiner (@carlreiner) May 7, 2014
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Is that the minimum amount?
I want to put Monica Lewinsky in a celebrity boxing match need a contact for her
— Damon Feldman (@hollywoodbox11) May 7, 2014
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Good luck with that.
time warner i want to hunt you down and fuck your face with a knife until you make my internet work better
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) May 7, 2014
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I bet he isn’t the first to say that.
ATTENTION INTERNET: you have exceeded the maximum allowed limit for use of the word "awkward". Please contact your service provider.
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) May 7, 2014
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Well, this is awkward.
Got to be out the door at 10:35 am to walk the beach low tide and get some rays tomorrow……ugh!
— Kevin Nash (@RealKevinNash) May 8, 2014
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Oh, go to hell..
I just executed a perfect hook shot of my gym clothes into the laundry basket from across the room. #rolemodel
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) May 8, 2014
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Just setting the bar for girls everywhere.
Went to new strip club on Sunset "Someone's Daughter." Not so great. Guys keep jumping on stage covering strippers with jackets.
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) May 8, 2014
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I think I’ve been to that club.
Serious question: are stupid people and trolls the same? I mean all trolls are stupid. But are all stupid people trolls? #deepthoughts
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) May 8, 2014
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Good question.
I spend most of my days liking on social media. Lots to like.
— Spencer Pratt (@spencerpratt) May 8, 2014
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You’re an idiot.
I've no idea why people stare at me like they've never seen a black guy in penile implanted European swim trunks..
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) May 8, 2014
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Where can I get a pair of those? Asking for a friend.
Great weather today in Chicago for this off-day. Finally get to go outside to spend some quality time with my phone.
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) May 8, 2014
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It’s nice to spend time with your bestie.
Cuntrarians r those who parrot Dicktardian theory due 2 addiction to Dick.
— Roseanne Barr (@therealroseanne) May 8, 2014
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Translation, please?
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother's Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as fuuuuuuuck
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 8, 2014
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Truth.
Johnny Manziel on the possibility of going to Dallas: "I don't think the world could have handled that, honestly."
— Rachel Nichols (@Rachel__Nichols) May 9, 2014
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He has a point.
Here are some words more offensive than cunt: bumph, soz, yummy, serendipity, swag, baby mama, totes, & ass & douche if you're not American
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) May 9, 2014
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Totes?
Wake the fuck up jabroni
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) May 8, 2014
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Have a great weekend, everybody!