Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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Working on a spec script for Lucy 2 in which Scarlett Johansson figures out how to use 100% of her appendix.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) July 28, 2014
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Sounds promising.
If I criticized a serial killer with 10 million followers someone on Twitter would still claim I'm jealous because I haven't killed anyone.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) July 28, 2014
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Gotta love Twitter.
Just threatened to go all "Game of Thrones" on my neighbor if he didn't stop screaming outside.
No idea what I meant but it sounded harsh.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) July 28, 2014
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It does sound harsh, trying that sometime.
You're wearing a shirt? RT @justinbieber: something special in the studio tonight
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 28, 2014
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No, nothing that rash.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) July 28, 2014
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I’m a unicorn right now.
I love Brazzers & Porn Hub even though I'm far more advanced than their employees…
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) July 28, 2014
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Years of practice will do that.
Life's too short to wear mediocre underwear.
— Jessica Biel (@JessicaBiel) July 28, 2014
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That should be on a t-shirt.
Can I petition to make holding grudges an Olympic event? Cause I've been in training my whole life.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) July 28, 2014
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I’d watch that if it was on TV.
If you say you're going to call me then don't call me, thank you.
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) July 28, 2014
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You’re welcome.
It's not even 9:00am and I've already seen 5,395,275 inspirational quotes in my timeline. Make it stop.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 28, 2014
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Gotta love Twitter.
A breakfast burrito almost makes waking up worth it.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 29, 2014
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Almost.
She's never given me a reason, but I just don't trust that lady from angie's list. Maybe it's her outfits.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) July 29, 2014
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She does seem shady.
If Bey and J break up, I'm not going to ask her out right away. I'm going to give her a few weeks to heal.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 29, 2014
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How thoughtful.
how many people have to DIE before we get rid of commercial phone number jingles
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 29, 2014
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Too many.
The fact that "cool beans" has survived as an expression is astounding.
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) July 29, 2014
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Wait, you mean I can still say that?
Will every resaurant please tell your waitstaff that "How's everything tasting?" is not a thing to say?
— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) July 29, 2014
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For reals.
Man, I would hate to live a long time ago, when it was really hard to get famous
#lucky #hero #blessed #humble
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) July 29, 2014
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Very funny.
MUSIC NEWS: New Research Proves That Every Song Ever Written is About Fucking
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 29, 2014
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Fact.
Sometimes you just gotta get off twitter and get to work
— josh groban (@joshgroban) July 29, 2014
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Most of America would probably disagree.
i was very angry when kevin made a "ring-tone" out of my girlfriend stephanie's queef in college
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 30, 2014
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I like Kevin.
I hear an owl close by and that is magical as fuck
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) July 30, 2014
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Kat, such a wordsmith.
Yup. Allison Williams is MOTHERFUCKING PETER PAN!!!
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) July 30, 2014
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She’s doing what to Peter Pan?
No, I did not take a swing at Justin Beiber in Spain (and if I had I wouldn't have missed).
— Orlando Jones (@TheOrlandoJones) July 30, 2014
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Easy mixup.
Only Superman gives a flying fuck.
— Jeff Ross (@realjeffreyross) July 30, 2014
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I suppose that’s true.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber rejects John Kerry's offer to negotiate peace with Orlando Bloom.
— Mo Rocca (@MoRocca) July 30, 2014
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Was it because he’d have to wear a shirt?
To fool people into thinking you had a wild sex night: put your wet hair in a bun & take it down three hours later. Then also have wild sex.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) July 30, 2014
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Seems like a solid plan of attack.
Bugs Bunny doesn't get enough credit for being one of the first cross dressing characters on TV.
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) July 30, 2014
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Never gets old.
Sharknado 2: The Death of All Shame
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 31, 2014
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Not true, I was ashamed to have watched it.
Just a heads up:
Don't post your porn links here. You will be banned. – not cute.
— charisma carpenter (@AllCharisma) July 31, 2014
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Sorry Charisma, can you unblock me now?
Do you guys ever people watch in the airport and play the game "if we all end up on an island a la "Lost," who will my allies be?" I do.
— Brooklyn Decker (@BrooklynDecker) July 31, 2014
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Totally doing this the next time I fly.
There will never be another movie without a cellphone in it. Even period pieces.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) July 31, 2014
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Fact.
If a woman is treating you like she doesn't give a shit, she truly doesn't give a shit.
— Bree Olson (@BreeOlson) July 31, 2014
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You got that, guys?
While Josh Gordon is judged for marijuana another NFL office will be busy counting up the cash from a dangerous drug called alcohol
— Kenny Mayne (@Kenny_Mayne) July 31, 2014
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Something’s not right here.
Silence is golden , duct tape is… Silver
— CeeLo Green (@CeeLoGreen) July 31, 2014
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Food for thought.
Kids do not need instagrams
— Zendaya (@Zendaya) August 1, 2014
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Zendaya has spoken.
In a few minutes time I'm going to make a racist comment.
— John Cleese (@JohnCleese) August 1, 2014
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He lied.
FUCK THE DANCE MOMS
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) July 29, 2014
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Have a great weekend, everybody!