The Do’s and Dont’s of Beach Week
DO: Pack light.
You’re a bro. You should spend no more than fifteen minutes, max, packing for this trip. Bonus points if you pack hungover and don’t bring anything bigger than a backpack’s worth of stuff.
Leave the button-downs and sunscreen and other crap at home—you don’t need it. This is the one time of year when it’s perfectly acceptable to wear to a bar a bathing suit and Hawaiian shirt you bought on the street of a third-world country over Spring Break.
DON’T: Expect to act like a normal human being.
Drinking will commence early and often. You should be done with exams by now, and with no real responsibilities, and literally nothing to do besides drink and take in the occasional Putt-Putt game, start boozing early. It’ll be worth it for that moment when you slowly begin to realize that it’s 8 p.m. and not actually the early afternoon like you previously thought. It’s a frightening realization that everyone should experience once.
DON’T: Be too aggressive in not acting like a normal human being.
While spending the night in jail for scampering off with that bar’s sweet Jolly Roger pirate flag and then running straight into Billy Bob The Local Constable makes for a pretty nice story, actually spending the night in jail sucks. You’ve only got so many nights at Beach Week—spend them drinking with your friends and chasing girls from state schools. State schools only!
DO: Skimp on the cost of the hotel.
You’re going to pass out in the hotel, and that’s about it. Sleep ten to a room, make sure the hotel has a lazy river, and save your money for food, drinking, and the inevitable massive extra cleaning charges you’ll see on your credit card. Oh, that charge is coming.
DO: Create an appropriate playlist.
At the beach, your iPod speakers will be playing the same songs over and over again for five days. Be sure to have a playlist with plenty of variety, some old and new stuff, and, of course, that stalwart of any musician being played near the vicinity of water—Jimmy Buffett.
DO: Burn the Buffett lyrics in your head.
You’ll need them when you take over the karaoke bar later.
DON’T: Take in any local culture.
While at Myrtle Beach this year, we drove by pancake houses called “Tar Baby’s,” “The Plantation” and “Mammy’s.” Beach towns that cater to college kids should not be visited except during this time of the year.
DO: Come up with some sort of catchphrase to use all week.
Preferably one good for chanting. U-S-A chants are always clutch, and if you’re looking for something other than a chant, I’ve always been partial to the Howard Dean “byaa.” Feel free to borrow it.
DO: Enjoy it.
Because it’s a sobering as f*ck thought that I’m not going to get to go to any of these ever again.