My night at WVU

by 7 years ago

I’m sitting here in my office at my internship board as shit because it ends tomorrow and I thought I would share my story from 2 winters ago when I visited WVU.


It was a winter Saturday around 4 o’clock and I had just got back from downtown Cleveland. I was at Progressive field where they have this thing called snow days (tubing, ice skating, other snow stuff). Back to the story… I walk into my room and my roommate will call him Dave (who I have known since high school) and two of our other buddies (will call them Adam and Tom) are sitting already pretty hammered. Right as I sit down they ask me if I want to drive to West Virginia to visit Tom’s friend Bill and forget about our Jesuit liberal arts college for the day (obviously you can figure out where I go to school from this bit of info). I’m always down for a road trip so of course I say yes. I grab my left over bottle of vodka and we hop in my buddies car. These fucks are being their typical selfs and getting trashed in the back of the car. This is a small piece of shit Chevy Aveo too. We all play D3 football so were not small guys and my buddy has big ass speakers in the trunk causing us to barely have enough room in this piece of shit. I’m getting pissed cause they are drunk and I am not and to make matters worse we hit a snow storm. Not just any snow storm, a can’t see the end of the hood of the car snow storm. If you have ever driven through West Virginia, you know that place is just mountains and hills. I can barely drive in this stuff I’m going 30 mph on the highway and I’m passing people. If I have to break, we are dead. I have three drunk kids in this car flipping out and I’m just trying to survive the night.

By some miracle we make it out and pull into that hick town WVU is located in. We have no idea how to get to the dorm though so we ask these two hillbilly potheads where to go. They tell us to follow behind them and they will stick their arm out when we need to turn. These two guys are high as shit. Blood red eyes, laughing at every word they say. Being the dumbasses that we are, we follow them. They take us up this huge hill that has a light in the middle of it. This hill is so steep that when the damn light finally turns green, the car starts rolling backwards and I had my foot all the down on the gas. Stupid Chevy Aveo finally gets going and this hillbilly points on the window for us to turn right so we do and turns out the high hillbilly actually knew what he was doing (thanks dude wherever you are). We roll into the dorm and meet Bill for the first time. He seems cool and we get down to drinking right away because I’m pissed that I’m sober. After getting a good buzz we head to this house party but thing is up another hill and we can barely walk up it with how drunk we are. Then boom Dave falls and slides down the hill about 20 yards. We just stand there and laugh at his drunk ass till he catches up. When we get to the party we hit the keg immediately and plant ourselves there. Whenever people come up we keep telling them that Dave is Kevin Pittsnoggle’s little brother (look him up if you don’t know who that is). The people are eating this up. I couldn’t believe they bought it. My bro became worshipped at this party, Pittsnoggle chants started up every 15 minutes. It’s getting towards midnight and we plan to go to another other party. I being a drunk Klepto snag this WVU shot glass for shits and giggles someone sees me so we book it (I ended up getting that glass stolen from me a couple months later. Karma)

We get to the next party and these guys are charging 5 bucks a cup but none of us have cash on us. So we steal the cups. At the this party we start up our Pittsnoggle thing again and a bunch of other bullshit lies like we are on the Ohio State football team and the Penn

State football team. People will believe anything at WVU. People are eating these stories up and we are getting pretty drunk. Some guy hands me a joint at one point. We are fucked up and someone people keep believing these shitty stories. The party is dying down and this guy comes over and asks me to take a picture with  him and his friends. I’m not sure what sport and college this guy thought I played for or whose brother I was at this point but, I obliged. Instantly after we take the picture he tells me to get the fuck out of his house. I don’t take kindly to being screamed at and told what to do so I tell this little guy to ask me nicely. Now he is small like 5 foot 6 inches 160 lbs and I’m 6 foot 250 lbs. This guy should have realized the size difference and I should have realized I was severely out numbered. He yells at me to get out again and pushes me. Right hook right to his jaw. Out. Next thing I know I’ve got 6 or 7 dudes jumping on my back trying to toss me out. 6 on 1 is impossible. This isn’t the movies. I’m fucked and they toss me out the house but I lost my hat. I’m freaking out right outside their house. My buddies finally come out and one of them has my hat. One of the dudes from inside the house comes out and apologizes. Damn right he should apologize.

 We leave this place pretty fucked up and ready to fall asleep. We get back to the dorms and Bill takes us to his friends room. We pound a few last beers and we decide to crash there for the night. Right as we are falling asleep this guy offers us cocaine. We decline but now we realize we are spending the night with a cocaine dealer. To top it off this mother fucker slept with the windows open in the dead of winter. The room couldn’t have been warmer than 35 degrees. I thought I was going to die of hypothermia. We barely slept and woke up at 9 in the morning and just decided to get the fuck out of WVU.  That was the night I got tossed out of house and slept in the room of a cocaine dealer at West Virginia University.