A Salute to the College Campus Rando

by 6 years ago

The College Campus Rando may be a student, a faculty member, or a crazy homeless man who likes to yell things at squirrels. Regardless, he or she seems to exist only within the confines of the college grounds. Often the Rando is festooned with a nickname and discussed on university gossip sites; the simultaneous subject of wonder and ridicule. Sure your mascot may be a Bulldog or a Gator or a freakin’ Banana Slug, but everyone knows that the Campus Rando truly symbolizes the school. Here are some Randos I had the pleasure of sorta-knowing during my four years…

1. Mr. Heavyfoot
This student walked normally with one leg while the other leg appeared to be weighed down with solid iron. Clearly, he was suffering from a debilitating neuromuscular disorder, but the rest of the school lovingly referred to him as Mr. Heavyfoot. How I enjoyed watching him trudge his way to the Student Center! Obviously, this was nothing to laugh at, but having a pledge do the Heavyfoot walk for the day was a classic haze and I make no apologies. Oh, and Mr. Heavyfoot dressed relatively ghetto, so it always looked like he was on a serious ass-kicking mission; if only he could make it there before sundown.

2. Fairy Wings (pictured above)
Fairy Wings was an adamant member of my college’s Gay-Straight Alliance. He had a particularly unique way to advance his cause. Nothing says “I demand respect” more than cavorting around the quad in glittery fairy wings while blasting show tunes from a portable speaker. Fairy Wings had a penchant for drenching you in his fabulousness. I remember one time he followed me back to the dorms, belting “Seasons of Love”, his wings flapping all the way. It was disgusting…who picks “Seasons of Love” over “Light My Candle”!?

3. The Panda Express Hermaphrodite
My college had the lamest of food courts. I’m talking the kind of third tier fast food you find at the other-other mall in your town. Nothing is more depressing than a poorly managed Sbarro. However, there was one saving grace: Panda Express. Every day during my hour break between classes I would rush over to get in line for some of that toxically delicious orange chicken. And then someone hired It. I’m a tolerant guy, but Chinese food and inverted organs don’t mix. At first I tried to coexist with the newly appointed sexually ambiguous manager of Panda, ignoring her hairy arms while she scooped my beef and broccoli. Some days, I would even strategically time out my ordering to avoid interaction. However, after watching her Adam’s apple pulsate one time too many, I was forever repulsed. Perhaps I was being too harsh. I guess Fairy Wings had failed.

4. Sign Guy
There was an overly optimistic-looking guy who used to bounce around campus with cardboard signs strung around his neck. The signs were scrawled with positive affirmations such as “YOU ARE AWESOME” and “FREE HUGS”. I’m not sure why, but his chipper disposition always bothered me. Then I found out he was a retired multimillionaire who wanted to motivate troubled students. That bothered me more.

5. The Prince of Dubai
This dude was always holding court at the picnic tables outside of the library with 15 other equally swarthy bros. He would smoke endless Camel Turkish Silvers, drink coffee and speak loudly in his guttural foreign tongue. Whatever he was saying must have been really funny, because his entourage would always laugh after every sentence. Either that or because he’d have their family secretly executed in the middle of the night if they didn’t. Call me crazy but I think the lime green Mercedes SL with the Kuwaiti plates that always had the best parking spot outside of the Business School was his; probably a gift from one of his 15 wives. I would have tried to reach out to this bro to party on his yacht but he could smell the Jew on me a mile away.

Well, that about wraps it up. Does your school have any famous campus characters? Grads; do you remember any randos? Of course you do! Tell me about your College Campus Randos in the comments section!

Krum is a NYC based comedian and you can follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom

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