Why You Will Still Pull Chicks On Spring Break Even Though You’re Extremely Out Of Shape
Four score and right now, Spring Break season is upon us. By now you’ve either decided you’re going to try and score rando’s, or you’ve listed your pitching rotation from the group of girls going with you that you’re shooting for. One minor set back though; you’re rocking that dad bod. That sweet ass chicken and rice diet you were supposed to start 3 months ago was swiftly replaced by beer and late night drunk pizza. How conk-diesel you think you look in your bathroom mirror, isn’t exactly the same light the sun will shine upon your plus size model body. The cardio plan you vowed to start went really well… until the next day and every day after that. Now some of you are looking like a knock off version of Rocky Balboa; running in sweatpants and your sweatshirt with the hood up on the treadmill, punching the air like a damn fish out of water. On a positive, you’re no Michelin man, but you’re also no brick shit house that would start over Gerry Bertier in Remember the Titans. You’re not the Channing Tatum you thought you were going to turn into; looking at yourself in the mirror like Honey Boo Boo’s older brother. You’re down. Morale is low. You’re now saying to yourself “Fuck it, I need a beer”. Damn it, you grab that beer. You’re not out of shape, you’re just ripe for the picking. From now on spring break 2015 will be known as “Spring Break 2015, the spring break you outkicked your coverage.”
Yes, I can’t lie, you face an uphill battle and you could probably use some hills; however, this is just a minor setback for a major comeback. Like all true champions, you will persevere and unless you want to play the skin flute back in your hotel room all spring break, it’s time to become the overachiever. They say every girl wants what they can’t have, well thanks to alcohol and the primal mentality of chicks on spring break, chicks want what they can have and what they can have is you
Like the star that guided Jesus through the desert, you appear, their knight and shining armor. You’ve laid the groundwork down throughout the day. Yes, you don’t have the best bod, but you’re also not Lord of the Douche-a-verse, flexing his ass off the whole day. You know, the ones that do the reverse, upside-down, triple fucking axel dip set in the gym. Your bod screams maturity, it screams comfort, it screams sweet lovin’. This new found confidence oozing off you is letting her know that all that money she charged to her card for spring break is right before her eyes and the cash back, no hassle reward is Thor’s hammer swinging between your legs.
Now go ahead and take out all the fame, money and other bullshit, and let’s look at Leonardo DiCaprio. Dude’s been rocking a dad bod since he stopped running in Catch Me If You Can back in ’03 and his life has been nothing but a non-stop poontrain. Now you’re no Leo and are lying to yourself 200p if you think you ever will be, but damn it you’re the Leo of Spring Break 2015. You’re the not so little engine that could. This is your train and it’s all aboard ladies, because it’s about to leave the station.
Don’t get me wrong it’s an uphill battle. Like all great men and all great legends, you will be tested. People will doubt you. People will shoot you down, but this only adds fuel to the fire. You didn’t invest in this trip to go hoggin’ for 2’s. You invested because you’re the Tom Brady of the SB2K15 draft. You think people told Frodo a Hobbit couldn’t destroy a ring? Now look at those fucking idiots. Did Rosa Parks listen when they told her she couldn’t sit in the front of the bus? “No”. Did Rudy listen when they told him he was too small? You bet your ass he didn’t. Now it’s your turn. Strap on the pads, buckle that chinstrap and bring the fucking noise. Because like all true champions, you will…you WILL emerge victorious.