A Soul-Crushing Number Of Americans Would Trade Sex For House-Hunting


What society doesn’t tell you is that after you spend your 20s acting directly on behalf of your sex organs, you spend your 30s trying to get what your friends have and wondering why the spare tire around your waist won’t go away. Hint: It’s because your metabolism knows you don’t need to look good if you’re not having sex.

A recent survey of 1,000 people reinforced the claim that intercourse is trivial when you stack it up against a 3-bedroom colonial with natural light and modern appliances.

A mind-numbing 48.6% of respondents (486 out of 1,000) admit they would rather browse real estate marketplace site Zillow than head to the bedroom of their shitty apartment and slap skins.

Sex isn’t where the house-hunting obsession ends.

58% of the respondents said they’ve missed an important deadline because of their Zillow browsing obsession, 41% said their habit has caused problems in their lives, and 56% said they’ve canceled plans with a friend.

Low interest rates and remote work have helped catalyze the fastest home price increase in 15 years, with real estate brokerage Redfin calling March the “hottest month in housing market history,” a record 43% of homes selling for more than their listing price.

I know a lot of relationships are lucky to have survived this pandemic, and I can’t imagine a full year of pandemic-mandated couple time has stoked the fires of American sex lives, but if you’d rather browse Zillow than have the sex, at least keep it to yourself. Be an example for the children.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.