- A man has earned the honor of becoming the first person in recorded medical history ever diagnosed with a “vertical penile fracture”
- The forty-year-old resident of the United Kingdom was hospitalized after suffering an injury during intercourse
- Read more about all the terrible things that can happen while you’re getting it on here
There probably aren’t two words in the English language capable of making every single man that reads them instinctively cringe harder when placed next to each other than “penile fracture.”
I sincerely hope I’m never in a position to confirm whether or not this analogy is accurate, but I can imagine succumbing to that particular injury is sort of like accidentally chomping down on a piece of a popsicle after it unexpectedly breaks off—if you multiplied the discomfort by a factor of a billion.
Unfortunately, there are plenty of people out there who could affirm the accuracy of that comparison. Between 2010 and 2014, over 8,000 people in the United States had to take a trip to the emergency room as a result of various extracurricular activities gone very wrong, with over 25% of them requiring surgery to fix the issue.
All of those cases involved people whose trusty soldier suffered a brutal casualty by bending in a way it never, ever should. Now, doctors in the United Kingdom have published a new paper concerning the case of a man who managed to become the first person in the history of recorded medicine to suffered what is being labeled a “vertical penile fracture.”
While most people who rush to the hospital do so after hearing their wiener snap like a hot dog with a natural casing, the understandably unidentified 40-year-old sought medical attention after suffering what can only be described as “blunt force trauma” by hitting his partner’s perineum during a failed reentry attempt while in the throes of passion.
The patient didn’t show any symptoms associated with a traditional “transverse” fracture, but after undergoing an MRI, doctors discovered a tear measuring three centimeters in length—the first one ever observed.
Fortunately, the man was able to make a full recovery and returned to action without any lingering effects six months later. Unfortunately, I now have to spend the rest of my life knowing this is a thing that can happen.